To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

For goodness sake. Yes, he can choose to carry on paying but thus must now come from his own disposable income, independent of the OP, and his disposable income should be what he has remaining for himself after paying fairly into his own household and towards his children. Also, the "arrangement" regarding the holiday was only ever intended whilst his ex was at uni and not earning.

She also mentioned that some years it's THOUSANDS of pounds. That isn't a holiday, it's abuse of the OP's DH by the ex. Because he's a nice guy. The ex makes plenty of money and can afford to take her DC on holiday and pay for it herself. She makes almost as much as OP's DH. Maybe the ex and her DP should pay all costs for her DC to go on holiday with OP, DH and their DC for the next 6 years. That would be fair.

How on earth do you know he can clearly afford it? OP already said that without her money in the joint pot, DH would NOT be able to afford the extortion of the ex for the holiday. Do you think it's HER job to pay for kids that are not hers to go on holiday? What about ex's DP? Should HE pay for his girlfriend's DC to go on holiday? What are the rules, according to you?

The fair thing to do would be to split the holiday cost in half or to pay for the children’s + mum portion of the holiday.

Sorry. What?

The "fair" thing would be for this woman's ex husband to fund HER portion of the holiday?

What am I reading 😂

What are you reading? I think I can help there - entitled fucking nonsense 😂

Separate your finances then…? But then again, you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with a man with children and then married him. The joint finances have supported this holiday arrangement for years and now you’ve decided enough is enough?

I doubt your husband will stop the holidays. I think if anything, this situation will affect your marriage before it stops the arrangement he’s had with the ex.

@SpringPen

Thank you for clarifying that 😂

I mean, I did suspect so, but I felt slightly like I'd entered a parallel universe there for a moment 🥴

Why?

Ex needs to pay 50% of ops holiday then doesn’t she ? Make it fair .

Why? This was not part of the original agreement?

OP’s husband could renegotiate the original agreement taking the ex’s current financial circumstances into consideration and based on that drop or reduce the holiday contribution. However, this is nothing to do with OP but with the husband. I understand there’s a joint pot of money, I would say separate finances then.

THAT is wrong in every, single way. A father not taking his children on a holiday, but yet going on one with his wife takes away the "D" in dear father and changes it to a "F", making him a "FF". I don't care if a husband and new wife take a holiday on their own, but to NOT take his children on one and spend quality time with them having fun, just chaps my hide. No excuse.

If she earns less than your DH it's only fair that he contributes to her having a holiday with their children. It's so sad when one parent has to become the parent who can't afford the nice things in life with and for their children while the other gets all the good times.
I'm not sure about the partner being included on your budget but if he's paying for himself or not costing much extra because he's sharing her room etc then I think suck it up. Otherwise you end up being the only "mother" figure her kids ever get to go on holiday with and that would really suck for her.

As you already take the kids on holiday every year, I don't think you need to fund your husband's ex taking them too - that's up to her.

@Nanaof1 please read all my posts

@SpringPen we don’t know if he can’t afford it in his own though, he appears to have been able to though. OP has said that as there is less money so they can do less not they can’t have a holiday. That’s all. I also said at the beginning of this thread, separating finances is the best way to determine some sort of outcome.

If this was a divorce settlement agreement it would stand up but of course because they never married it’s not however kudos to the DH for honouring his commitment to his children. I would hazard a guess he’s placating OP to keep the peace not the ex.

Maybe ok in the beginning when the Mam was on her own and the children wouldn’t have had a holiday, but think it’s a bit much now she’s moved on and they all go as family. I’ve been split from my ex for 10 years and I’m still on my own, I’ve taken my two away every year and have never expected him to pay towards it. We have a very good relationship and he’s a high earner so he probably would’ve helped but I’d never have asked. He does always give the children some spending money to take, I do the same when he takes them away with his family.

I think that's a lovely and generous thing for him to do as their father and would probably love him a bit more for that. Would expect the new DP though to pay for his p,ace and for this to stop when children are adults

Absolutely she should be paying hersel
if she pulls the ‘the kids won’t get a holiday otherwise’ card then the reply is simple. They will because you take them anyway so they are not missing out on anything. I only ever had 1 holiday when I was a kid and that was my dad (my parents were split) my mum could never afford to take us but that was fine as we went with dad and had the usual 1 holiday that most kids have.

They're his children. HE has decided to remarry and have further children, knowing that he already had some. Why do posters always make this about the OP and her choices? His kids, his responsibility to ensure he can fund them in the way he 1) needs to and 2) wants to. Not OP's.

OP has said he can't afford it without their shared finances. He has another child to support now.

Weirdest thing I've heard tbh. Clearly a good man but there's forking out and forking out. If the kids are with parents 50/50 then nothing should be payed except obviously half of all school stuff,clubs or whatever. But I sure praise him for being a very good dad we need more of them. Most of my friends are single parents and don't get a penny from there ex partners.

Absolute nonsense.

Plus, it's not just him financing this, it's also OP - against her will.

Plus, the ex appears to sometimes choose very expensive holidays with contributions from DH and OP into the £1000s. Pretty sure it's not about having a holiday with their mum or not but about the type of holiday she wants to take them on.

This is a ridiculous situation! Fine, he felt like he 'wanted' to help the ex out when they first split because she was a single mum and he wanted the children to have a holiday with her but not an ongoing thing!!!
She now lives with someone else. So the OP's partner is now funding him too! Absolutely bonkers!
Tell the ex to fuck off and pay for her own holidays!

Why is it that some people have this belief that both households must be equal financially? That's just not how life works. They've been separated for years. Both have new partners. Time for the ex to stand on her own two feet and pay for her own holidays. It's not as if she's on the breadline.

My DH and I are in a much better financial position that his ex is so in some people's minds he should be funding her holidays with the kids. We are in the financial position we are in because we work hard for what we have and make good choices. The ex is in the position she is in because she chose to be unemployed for 4 years and has a drug problem.

It is not up to one household to make up the shortfall for the other. Where does it end?

I don't for a second believe that the kids would miss out on a holiday if the dad stopped funding it. Mum and her partner would find the money but might not choose such lavish holidays when they're paying themselves.

Situations change and people move on. Maybe that was the arrangement when they first split but it doesn't mean it has to be set in stone. He's been kind enough to honour the arrangement for many years. She's had her fair share of free holidays. What if she ends up earning double what he does. Is he still obligated to pay because of an arrangement made a decade prior? Would she treat him to a few holidays? I very much doubt it.

@SpringPen

from OP:

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

OP has had an issue from day 1 and has bided her time until she felt she could reasonably object - another poster called it territorial and it’s seems that rings true based on the original post. If it was a divorce settlement, OP wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I said previously, but this is a matter of principle as far as I’m concerned.

@Illpickthatup nobody is saying anybody should just fund anything. There is an pre-existing agreement in place related to her DHs children which she is now trying to interfere in it without merit other than she’s always had her views that it’s cheeky etc

There is also too much speculation about future earnings, maybe should would fund his holidays maybe not but that’s besides the point.

I am female and paid for my xH to take our joint DD away every year for the first 3 after we divorced as he was on a lot lower take home than I am. I have now stopped this, he has had time to make his own arrangements. In our case DD lives with me 80% of the time and I don't ask exH to pay maintenance as it would financially harm him and we don't need the money.

I think your H has done a very nice thing to ensure the kids experience an equivalent lifestyle in both homes but now that his ex is part of a 2 income relationship he is not no longer legally or morally obligated to continue. I'd let her know now before she books for this year that he isn't paying. She can book something cheaper that way that she can afford.