To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

She is allowed to interfere because it's directly affecting her finances and the finances available to her own children.

@SpringPen so then separating finances will actually prove that

@Illpickthatup above was for you not @SpringPen

It’s also on the DH for increasing his expenses for the bigger house they all now live in of course

Ok so they do separate finances. He funds the ex's holidays with whatever disposable income he has left after paying his share of bills.

OP would like to take their kids to Disneyland and asks her DP to contribute. He can't afford it because he has no disposable income left. Either they don't go or OP has to fund it herself.

OP wants to make some home improvements to the house. OP asks DP to contribute but he can't because he has no disposable income left.

I don't think you can ever truly separate finances in a marriage.

I feel like we're essentially sending another family on holiday every year (she has a partner now who goes!).

Paying for his children's holiday - yes.

Paying for her to accompany them - mmm, maybe. Depends on circumstances.

Paying for her partner - no fecking way!

@Illpickthatup yes, that was the solution up thread

suggestion is a better word!

That would be fair yes.

If they’re agreeing to 50-50 on everything, then maybe it makes sense for him to pay half the cost of his children’s holiday - for the kids.

So by that logic it would make sense for her to also cover half of the children's expenses when we go on holiday too no?

I can tell you how that would go down!

Anyway, spoken to DH now and he agrees it's enough now and has messaged her to say situations change and it's no longer feasible for it to continue. She's not replied so she's probably stewing. I just hope he sticks to it now when the inevitable drama ensues. He seemed like he will though from what he was saying so fingers crossed.

I don't see why an agreement made nearly a decade ago when situations were entirely different must become some sort of obligation when it's no longer necessary and the situations are completely different. He also paid her car insurance when they first separated because it came out of his bank and she had only just finished her course at the time. That stopped years ago as it should have. Or should he have paid her insurance too for the entire time she owns a car for the rest of her life because he agreed to for a short time a decade ago?

Good luck OP, sounds like a not very nice set up for any of you, the ex included.

So glad your DH has seen sense OP! 🥳

So you prospective partner cannot have a past ?
or if they do then he cannot have any children with you?
Why would you penalize him for having a life before he knew you?

pretty unrealistic way to look at things- you could be missing out the love of your life, because of these harsh standards you hold your prospective partner too

Nobody is being "penalised". Everyone is entitled to set their own criteria for what they want in a partner. I agree with Dacadactyl I wouldn't be interested in a partner who had existing children, or certainly not children who were still children and financially dependent on him.

or if they do then he cannot have any children with you?

It's 100% the decision of the person who can become pregnant to decide if they want to have children. If a prospective partner doesn't accept that, tough.

pretty unrealistic way to look at things- you could be missing out the love of your life, because of these harsh standards you hold your prospective partner to

It's everyone's perfect right to set whatever deal breakers they want. It's not punitive, it's setting out the life they are aiming for and what they are not prepared to live with. Yes, they might be missing out but that's a risk everyone is allowed to take. Nobody owes anyone a relationship.

Glad to see your DH has seen sense, OP.
Contrary to PPs thoughts I believe it will be very nice for all of you, including the kids, to not have this wedge in your marriage and family.
Ex will just have to get over it and start adulting properly, and I'm sure she'll be fine once she's done stropping.
76% of voters are on his side 💪

"Nobody owes anyone a relationship "? ( I do not really understand where this came from- I did not insinuate that anyone did- you owe it to yourself to just go with what you believe to be right for you.
Of course its your right to set your parameters, its also my right to tell you my point of you, especially if I feel it may help you make different decisions in life.
My partner of 20 years had a child when I met him, friends of mine had a similar view to you- their choice- I could have took their advice and had a very different walk in life.

I do not really understand where this came from

You said that someone who refused a relationship with someone who had children was "penalising" them for having a past and being "harsh". They're not. They're simply making the relationship choices that suit them and there's nothing punitive about it. They do not owe anyone a relationship, which on some level you must think they do, if you don't accept that "because I don't want that situation" is a perfectly legitimate and acceptable reason to refuse. Not punitive, not "harsh". It's great that your relationship worked out but people are not being somehow unreasonable for not making the same choices as you.

As for your right to give your point of view, nobody denied you that, for goodness sake. So many posters who think people who disagree with them are trying to silence them!

As a stepmum who wouldn't change my situation for the world (well maybe minus the crazy ex) I think it's perfectly acceptable to not want to date someone who already has kids. Being a step parent is hard work and even if there's no holiday paying arrangements like in OPs situation, having someone else ex in your life is hard.

Everyone has a past but some people's past absolutely has more of an impact on new partners than others. It's ok to not want that burden or drama in your life.

They have the children with them 50% of the time and they also pay 50%, actually more of the children's expenses.

It wasn't rocket science, at least for most of us.

Delusions run deep and I guess are contagious.

I see no story shifting but then, I am a stable, sane human being and not a ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

You haven't changed your story at all. Those two posters are famous for their behavior. I pity them, I really do. Not much of a life it seems.

Even parents with a 50/50 childcare split often have to pay child support. My DP is in this situation. He earns around £15000 more than his ex so has to pay monthly. If your DH contributes towards holidays, but doesn't pay child support, then it might be justified. Also I wouldn't dream of having an opinion on my DP's financial arrangements with his ex. Absolutely none of my business.