To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

She’s a CF! And your husband is a door mat. This should change as with life things have changed, subsequently 2 (?) further children he now has to fund as well as the others, if this was a CSA payment then it would be adjusted as their were other children involved…
your OH has to have this conversation with her and say it’s not possible to continue the contribution any longer.

just as a side note I am a SM but one that had the care of her SK.. we received £40 per month for 2 children. She point blank refused to pay anything further than her payment as that was the calculation 🤯 wasn’t even enough for school lunches for a week for 2 never mind anything else. She refused to pay towards trips etc so I can’t imagine she’d have EVER have contributed towards a holiday that we would take SK on!!! (When she had the SK my OH paid £400 per month plus purchased school wear, paid towards trips so mind boggles with her shocking attitude) my OH was a door mat too but very quickly learnt what a manipulative witch his ex was!

Oh and to top it all off she lied about her income to get the payment to what it was! She’s sat in a £500k house with 4 cars on the drive 🤯

Save the ex holiday money for court costs for access… at least that’s a one off.

basically you’ve accepted this for x years so it’s easier to moan at you and pay than face the ex… who is fully aware that if she shouts he will cave. So it’s now or never imo

After reading your updates he definitely should not be paying for her to go on holidays.

Your Dh seems to be worried the ex will start messing with contact as she did previously. Are the dc old enough to simply come to your house independently? He is being a mug funding her holidays, she doesn’t fund his! I’d be asking him to stop, especially given you take them away yourselves.

@Lollypop701 Although I imagine the children are older now so access may not be an issue. You can’t really stop a teenager from seeing their parent.

It sounds like ex is CF who still has OP's DH wrapped round her little finger.

I agree with you OP it needs to stop. If DH wants to give the kids holiday pocket money that is a normal thing to do. But the cost of the holiday should be for ex to pay. She needs to save and also choose somewhere within her own budget same as OP has to do.

I really hate this when I hear it from people I know. A woman meets a man who already has a child and then has a child with him. Some time gors by and she starts to be territorial about what he gives HER when its OUR money, house etc.

OP when he left DC’s mum he made a commitment to his child via their mum to help support their holidays.

I say this as a single parent. Why does another grown woman who decided to have a kid with man get to change the commitment he has made to his first child or children? You knew what you were getting into before you got into bed.

The child did not. The end.

op i agree with you. No one is owed a holiday, and the children go on holiday with their dad and you, so they're not missing out. But why are you arguing about it on here when you should be having this conversation/argument with your husband?

I’m sure the children won’t be adversely affected by having “only” one holiday per year as opposed to two. Some children don’t have any holidays because parents cannot afford it! This is a terribly MN post.

From your perspective I completely get it. She's settled, earning a decent salary, capable of paying for a holiday in theory.

On the other hand though; he's contributing to a child related cost. His children. They don't need a holiday, no. They won't die without one, sure. But they are used to it and he's not paying for his ex and her bf to go off on a jolly; he's paying TOWARDS his children going away with their mother. You have them 50% of the time and I'm not saying that isn't true but so often it ends up being slightly different to reality - they share a room at yours because their 'real' home is with their mum, you get holidays and weekends whilst she has the mundane day to day, mum does the mental load of life admin, school admin, emotional labour etc. if you have them half the time but she's doing majority of the unseen labour that keeps everything ticking over, it isn't 50/50 etc

I'm not saying any of that is true by the way, just that it could be, and could explain why she thinks it's an ok set up.

Where are you getting your info from? The parents share 50:50. No maintenance is paid as there's an equal split. How does that equate to the DH getting weekend and holidays and the mum having all the mental load?
You've literally made that up!

This

I think they should stop. It’s not as if you’re not taking them away, each family pays to take them away I would say!

Thank you. The ex isn't just booking a holiday close by or a day's drive. Instead, she decides to take them to Disneyland and of course, she cannot afford it. OP's DH should have said "no" at that time and that he would take the children to Disneyland so he could watch them enjoy it.

@yardandbard

If he's paying 50/50 to all other things then I'd say the holiday is extra. His kids go on holiday with yous so there's no need for him to pay towards another holiday, I'd agree if your DH wasn't contributing 50/50 but he is. It's time to have that talk again and make sure he gets the message this time.

So even if they didn’t have children together there’s still a chance by law he would have to give her some sort of maintenance.
If her life was financially impacted because of the split then he would have to make up the short fall.
The holidays are potentially that shortfall.

Sounds like the children are a bit older (phone contracts, going on 7 years) and so unlikely there are many years of this request left.

in your DHs position I’d suck it up. It’s a nice thing to do, the DC will see it as a nice thing and for the sake of the cost for a time bound period I wouldn’t tick the boat. Just be clear it ends when they leave school.

Some children don’t have any holidays because parents cannot afford it!

That's entirely beside the point.

That’s beyond cheeky, especially as she is with someone else who goes on the holidays too. (Where’s their pride?)
If/when it was the only way to get the children away on holiday, it’s understandable. But things have changed a lot since then.
I’m with you, OP, and would say to give her notice asap that it’s not happening any more. The fall out will only be temporary, but if you don’t do it, the resentment will just build up whilst the expectations get cemented even further for this to be the norm.

If they live with you 50/50 the holiday contributions need to stop. You can take them on holiday, and their mum can take them on holiday if they wish. There is no legal basis to the payment so your DH should say ‘2024 will be the last year of this and it is £300’ etc

Good idea or she might pick a trip to the most expensive place she can find. She sounds like the type who would pull a stunt like that.

A PP mentioned giving the children spending money when they go on holiday and that is a nice idea. That way they have some of their own to use as they wish.

Controversially-I think, if he wanted to stop-he would.
He had the children and that relationship before he met you and I don’t think a man honouring commitments he makes is a bad trait to have.
I see your point and accept it from your side of things but I think it’s a decision to be made by him and her, rather than you saying what should happen.

@yardandbard * Perhaps we could separate finances completely and then he really would have to stop as he'd only have his own pot to pay for it from!*

Personally, I think this is the best way to handle it. I cannot believe the posters who think you should continue paying. I can imagine WHY they are saying it (or the many reasons they favor the idea), but that doesn't make it right.

It's not your job to spend a dime on the ex's holiday, so separate your finances, so DH can see the reality. Hopefully, he'll grow a spine and stand up for himself, and soon.

Having been divorced with 2 young children, 50/50 split and finances separated, however I paid him for 2.5 years as he played the poverty card despite earning more than me, for example refusing to put his heating on when the kids were with him.

Looking back, I'd never do that again but it's one of the reasons I called it a day, the man was quite incompetent.

I cannot imagine expecting my ex husband to finance my holidays. Although if he could have, I'm sure he'd have quite fancied this arrangement and would have continued to leech of me for even longer than he did.

It sounds like they agreed it at the time, things change, the children are taken on holiday every year with their dad and step mum.

I often wonder how these MNetters who think men should pay for their ex's will change their tunes when they become MILs and suddenly their special little boys are getting divorced and DIL is after their cash.

I don't think I've ever seen a post from a MIL insisting her son should finance an ex's lifestyle or lack of.