To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

I agree with you OP. If he's already paying her money for the children she doesn't need additional money for a holiday funded by him. She should pay for that herself.

You should discuss with your husband that you will each make an equitable contribution to shared expenses and anything left over is your own to spend as you wish. If he’s able to fund his ex’s vacation with their children from his own “mad money” then he can do that if he wants (but it sounds like that’s not what he wants). Are you willing to be the “bad guy” in this scenario? If he’s not able to afford it, then there’s your answer. You should not have to save up your own money to fund a vacation for your husband’s ex and their children. If she’s not paying half for your husband’s vacations with your DSC, he shouldn’t have to pay for hers, especially if the two of you are cutting back on things and saving up (or not saving into your rainy day, retirement, or child’s schooling funds) in order to fund both her and your vacations.

also, she just books these vacations without discussion and sends him invoices for half? That’s cheeky to just assume he’s going to pay half of any amount without guidelines.

Given all of the information in your original posts and all of the updates this needs to stop!

She kicks off because she know it works and he will give in. He’s set a precedent and he needs to rip the band aid off!

Send a message now saying that as things have moved on for all parties each house will be self funding from here on in.

When she asks this year again he just says that things have moved on for you all and she will need to self fund their own holiday as he does for the one they have with you.

she kicks off and you grey rock the kick off and just carry on with life! We learned very quickly that you don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to and that, actually, by not arguing the situation just fizzled out to a mutual understanding of obligations over time and now there is pretty much a status quo.

Easier when they are older too as they ask each party for what they want anyway and it just gets sorted directly with said children.

@Alicesmagicmushroom They don't centre the children because the children are fine. They are being well provided for by both their parents. All that would change if the DH stopped the holiday money would be the ex would have to pay herself.
The needs of the wife to not have thousands of pounds removed from her family finances in order to pay for a third party's holiday really are at the centre of this.
My DHs ex is taking DSD on holiday this year and I imagine she'd rather never set foot on a plane again than embarrass herself in this way.
School fees are a bit different to fancy holidays, not sure why you are trying to compare them.

If he stops then won't she just start claiming maintenance?

She can't claim maintenance because they share the kids 50:50

The holiday payment is an added extra that us completely unnecessary, of course he should stop paying this. But he needs to come to that conclusion and have that conversation with his ex.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy I meant your own children too, however that’s fine, but this is not about whether the children are fine though, that was never in question, this was about a principle that as there was a long standing agreement agreement with the OPs DH which she is now objecting to the the DH appears to not be upset enough about to stop.

The third party you also refer to are are the DHs children, and his family, (is your DSD not your DHs family, also why is a holiday so embarrassing )and again the point is he’s not ‘paying for his ex-girlfriend to go on holiday’, he’s facilitating family time with his children and their mother. A very decent gesture which I’m sure the children will appreciate and modelling something positive for them I’m sure.
Again, so miserly to begrudge this, and for those saying the ex should facilitate the holiday, maybe the DH should get a better job too if he can’t fulfil his long standing commitments which enrich the lives of his D.C. etc etc

Anyway, OP separate your finances and find a way not to be so resentful, or go through official channels, never know it may end up being more if he’s extremely frugal in general.

Re the school fees, I’ve know of a situation where the previous DC are at independent schools and the new D.C. isn’t so the new wife is unhappy as she doesn’t think this is fair.

I agree though school fees are non negotiable - just an example - a bad one - as this sprung to mine

Whatever flouts HIS boat!

The third party I was referring to was his ex, actually.
I agree if the DH was wealthy and she was poor it would be a lovely gesture. But he's not and she earns a decent wage herself. He's undermining his own finances and marriage by saying "I'd rather upset you, my wife, than her, my ex".
Do you have a good reason why this woman shouldn't be expected to pay for her own holidays?
Why wouldn't the children appreciate their mother modelling that hard work and perseverance gets you a decent wage and a chance to go on holiday your own steam?
Why is she so miserly that she won't pay for her own family holidays or give the OPs DH money to fund family time abroad with their father?
Holidays aren't embarrassing. Going cap in hand to another adult and threatening to go in a tantrum if they don't pay what you demand is embarrassing.

It’s all very well posters telling OP what she should do.

Her actual problem is that DH clearly doesn’t want to stop making this contribution to his children going on holiday with their mum. She has a very clear DH problem.

There is very little OP can do in this situation, other than follow the very good advice to tell DH they will have separate finances from now on. Whether their relationship will withstand her standing up for herself in this way remains to be seen.

Th ex is taking the right royal p*ss. If her fella lives with her then it stops now, not next year.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy You mentioned embarrassing and I asked you what you meant.

Shes not going cap in hand, there is a private and preexisting agreement between the DH and his ex related to the DH, it’s that straightforward, he is honouring that as he should, I ask again, why is this such an issue.

You can flip the argument but the core reason for this conversation remains there is a preexisting agreement in place and it’s not for the OP to intervene in way she is trying to, it’s inappropriate for all the reasons cited.

Related to the DC rather

It is inappropriate for it to continue now that he has other responsibilities to balance, it's not an obligation and its not just his own money he's handing out. Oh and the fact that she books then demands the cash is incredible.
As you said, it looks like OP will be shaking up the finances and her DH can give as much of his own money to his ex as he likes. A shame for their marriage but this should never have be made into OPs problem to deal with.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy OP made it her ‘problem’ as it came before her.

So when the arrangement started she was just starting out in her career (or similar?). Fine, that made sense. She now has a career now and a DP she lives with... But still asks for money for a holiday ??? The cheek!

Your DH should buy them all camping equipment and say "there are all your future holidays. Enjoy!"

Okay, so he pays so his children can go on holiday with their mom. Then she should pay so that her children can go on holiday with their dad, no?

It sounds like he earns a lot more money than his ex and I think it's fair for him to contribute to their holiday as its likely they wouldn't have one or as good of one otherwise. If you didn't agree to the commitments he made to his ex and his kids before you were on the scene why get together and have a kid with him.

He earns around 9k more. It's not like he's a massively high earner and she's on minimum wage.

@Newliferequired Well, they estimate about a £9K difference, it’s not as if he earns double her salary.

He already pays for his own family holiday, I personally don’t think he needs to pay for hers too-unless he still wants to. If he does, fine, but it sounds as if he doesn’t anymore. 🤷

The DH enriches their lives by taking them on holiday himself.
Following your logic, should the ex also pay towards that? If your answer is no then you need to justify why.

They share childcare 50:50 so she wouldn't be entitled to any maintenance.

@tinkertee Im not rewriting post you have failed to read

Exactly. I don't know how she's not embarrassed by this. Or the partner. I know my DH would certainly feel a kind of way about going on a holiday part funded by one of my ex's.