To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

I don't think it's your place to be a part of these decisions

I never understand this 'it's not your place' it's her DH, their household funds of course it's her place!
As per SPs have to bend over backwards to accommodate and keep their mouth shut, ludicrous nonsense spouted in here.

Yes it is, they are married, their finances are linked. And as it it wasn't already obvious, everything he gives away to the ex is less for their own family unit.

That said, I would have got to the bottom of this before deciding whether I wanted to marry and have my own children with somebody who had such an existing arrangement in place.

But it's not just a week in lanzarote. The ex had him pay thousands for Disney land. Ex is now earning 36 thousand, a decent wage , has a new live in partner. The kids get a holiday with dad as well as 50 50 so surely she can mange a week in the sun herself. He has other financial responsibilities and that should be taken into account. You can't just rock up dump a bill for thousands and swan off.

@Zombiemum1946 she can and did. Location isn’t relevant but irrespective I can’t imagine any sane adult wanting to go to Disneyland so it’s clearly for his children, and if there is an agreement then there is an agreement.

Split finances will figure things out naturally anyway.

I really don't.
I don't think it should be an issue for the father to do anything for his children either, if he was making alot of money and it was just a case of sharing it around amongst his children then that would be a nice thing to do.
As things stand though, OPs family clearly do not comfortably have money to chuck around like this and they have other children to consider too.
At the absolute bare minimum, out of respect for his wife and younger DC, he should be working out a fixed figure they are happy with and inform ex that's what she will be getting.
The current set up is a farce.

I know several couples who deliberately chose to go to Disneyland pre-kids so they could enjoy it properly 😁

Sure. But this “generous man” has chosen to marry the OP and have children with her. He has chosen to take on more commitments and greater financial responsibilities. He doesn’t earn a huge amount of money, so his generosity = sacrifices elsewhere. If he had no additional financial responsibilities, and no duties to anyone else, he would be free to do whatever he wanted. But that’s not the case here. This man CHOSE to have two children with one woman; he CHOSE to do this with someone he wasn’t committed to/wasn’t committed to him; he CHOSE to marry OP; he CHOSE to have two more DC. All of those decisions come with consequences, and as all the decisions were his, the consequences are his to bear. He could very well say “like it or lump it” to OP, but the consequence of that might well be another failed relationship. And the consequence of that for the OP would be for her to bear as she chose to get with this man with a proven track record. (Of course, the children bear most of the consequences, but nobody seems to be concerned about that.)

As is the case 90% of the time in these threads, it’s adults behaving like teenagers, not taking responsibility for their actions, shirking their duties, blaming others for their predicament.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy oh god no thanks! Chaos and stress and the noise, like a winter wonderland on steroids 😂

Having said, that I do know some too, each to their own I say!

@Raincloudsonasunnyday OP had a choice too and was aware of the set up, so….

@Raincloudsonasunnyday and I don’t disagree with much of what you say either

It's irrelevant to say it's 50/50!! Did they both return to full time work soon after each birth? Is he there when his dc come home from school etc. How often does he actually spend looking after and caring for his own dc. You chose to have children with him but his existing children still have needs that HE needs to meet, not just the mother. I can't buy anyone not providing for their children's lives via maintenance unless he had signed a valuable asset over to the mother of his dc.

It's not irrelevant if it is 50:50. That means that the he is looking after and caring for his DC 50% of the time and that the ex has had as much opportunity to have a career as he has during that time.

Just returned to thread so this was the first post I have read- I will read the rest after posting.

@yardandbard Op mostly replied to all my direct questions. Thank you OP. This is now sufficient info. What I would say is that, your DH (sorry I thought it was DP- as you are married, you have an equal say); so your DH must not be wet and let him be dictated by the ex. So EACH year, say 1st February after Christmas spending, your DH should contact Ex and announce: [THIS Year he is contributing £1000 each to the kids' vacation with the ex. So Ex should please try to choose holidays that fit the amounts. END OF.]

[Me (DH) and OP and all the kids are also going to stick to our yearly, and equally restricted vacation spend, this year.]

Lesson to anyone: If you let other people dictate your life for you, of course you will be made a fool of. It is one great quality my parents taught me to respect myself, respect my time and set boundaries. Everyone around me knows my limits because I make that clear, in a loving way.

For instance, another good tip I got from mum is that when helping others financially ( I am generous), I should never give too much. I was talking to a nephew needing a new phone- I could afford it (making some adjustment as I just had a huge spend when I discovered his phone was old), but I made him wait a bit. 1) They realise that your help is valuable and not to be taken for granted. 2) They learn to look after their things. SO after waiting for a year- I had to pay for their x-mas food etc too, he is now getting his new phone. In teh past, I would have gone straight in to give it straight away. My mother has taught me a good lesson, which is also helping me and help me not expose myself through my own generosity.

Today, he contacted me about moving into my flat which is being rented out: Again, as phone money is not yet given, I simply asked if he wanted me to divert the phone budget to his transport costs as flat has a long term tenant ( he has room at his uncle but thought my flat would mean less transport costs, but that's also wrong as it is equally far from where he needs to go. However, I was chuffed that instead of being seen as saying no, I had his phone budget to divert. Of course he wants his new phone. Of course he himself needs to make other cuts to afford his transport costs. Of course, he also managed to see, I use the rent to support him and the extended family- so when tenant delayed payment for a few weeks impacting his phone money, I let the nephew know why I was making him wait further. So take these people on a journey with you. The last tip came from the mother of my God Daughter- to tell people I also don't have money. Human beings will take, take if you let them. Who wouldn't want yearly holidays without a budget? Who wouldn't?!?

This is utter tosh! There is no reason at all why the DH needs to provide more than their DM does. There is nothing in the OPs posts that suggests that her DH is trying to shirk any kind of parental responsibility, financial or otherwise.

@Sweetglossy or the DH tells his ex that he will no longer be contributing anything towards her holidays with the DC's? Unless she also contributes to his holidays with them of course.

This is utterly ridiculous. If the ex wants to take her kids on holiday, then she should pay for it!

Pretty much this with bells on. Ridiculous set up.

When we first started dating my DH was still paying several bills at his ex's flat until contracts ended etc.
As I dated him knowing this, would you expect that it would be reasonable for him to still be doing this nearly 10 years later?
Surely OPs DH knew he was getting married and knew he was having more children, knows what he earns and what his own household expenses are therefore knows that he can't carry on throwing money around in perpetual surrender to his ex's travel ambitions?
Surely his ex knew that she was having children and knew she wanted to take them on holiday and should also know that her ex won't be paying for her forever?
Why does OP have to be the one doing all the "knowing"?
Things change.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy

Totally agree. When I met DP he was still paying his ex wife's car finance payment every month purely because she claimed not to be able to afford it. This was on top of child maintenance. It continued for a few months then he told her no more. Almost 9 years later with shared finances and a home and our own family together, would I be happy if he was still funding his ex wife's car? Erm, no. 🥴

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy were there children involved as that changes the dynamic.

I will say it again, I am still struggling to see the issue with a father facilitating this and in fact know many who do similar. School fees etc in some instances for previous children.

Unfortunate so many in here take umbrage with it but I don’t live in that sort of a world, thankfully so as I said fail to understand the bitterness around it.

You say the OPs DH knew he was getting married, but and I can’t remember exactly what a PP said, but the needs of the new wife don’t trump the existing needs/arrangements whatever you will of the children. None of your posts centre around the children only the ‘ex girlfriend’.

OP you're not unreasonable and some of the replies on here are odd to say the least.

As much as I think it would be best if DH stopped the arrangement full stop, I understand his fear of what she might do etc. So perhaps if he thinks it would be better received he could offer a fixed sum and explain that for budgeting purposes it's not possible to have an open ended arrangement to fund the holiday. Then maybe in a couple more years he'll be able to say he can't fund it full stop.

You seem bitter

This arrangement is not reasonable, and i.m.h.o. never was since your SC always went on joint vacations with you! So your DH already pays for their holidays, why would he have to pay for an extra holiday with their mum? Do you also travel/take holidays without your SC? Then I would maybe ! understand your Dh wants to give his children with his ex an extra too, but this doesn't seem the case?

Just a thought but would the current arrangement be in favour of child maintenance which she could request. There is a calculator on the csa website.

I’ve been here in that I managed to get my ex to pay half of the children’s costs for a holiday on 2 occasions. I think it’s reasonable tbh however I also paid half of the kids costs when he went away.. That’s reasonable too.. particularly if she has a decent income.. I can’t see any justification for her not doing so.

I think he should go pay towards his children to go on holiday yes.