To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

I don't think it would be fair to make them choose.

I'm not saying make them choose, but if in reality they love the holiday with their mum, which is geared to them, and aren't so fussed about the one with their dad, which may be more suited to younger children depending on the OP's kids' ages, then it makes sense to fund the holiday they get the most out of. This might change year-on-year.

Do these kids need two holidays every year? no, they don't. The ex is taking the piss and the dad is a doormat.

Who is going to decide which one they prefer and love if the DCs don't specifically choose?

This needs to stop , they have holidays with you so your DH shouldn't be contributing for his ex to take them away as well. Also I think she's been very cheeky to just book holidays and then ask for money she should have checked first that the amount she needed was ok. Your DH needs to tell her asap before she books another.

@Alicesmagicmushroom I'm undermining her role as the woman in his life who gets to decide what he and his wife do with their money.
It's not even a fixed amount, the cheeky mare decides what she wants to do then expects her ex to cough up from his joint finances with his wife. If it was an agreement to for example, give the kids £100 each spending money that would be one thing, but a blank cheque running into four figures is way out of line.
I don't resent this, it isn't happening to me. But I'd resent deeply my DHs ex being written a blank cheque at mine and my childrens expense and it would make me question what the point of my marriage was if I was further down the pecking order than his ex.
The children aren't and won't be missing out on a thing.

I think it's a control thing on the part of their mother. The woman who has thrown strops at the idea of the money stopping and has previously threatened to withhold the children from their father.
If he didn't pay, do you think they just wouldn't get a holiday with their mum? Of course they would! But it would be at her budget, not whatever she thinks she can extract from OPs family that year.

I'm really surprised that there's people on this thread who think OP is unreasonable and that the DC's dad should keep paying. OP stated very clearly that they are 50/50 - if it's genuinely 50/50 contact and they cover all expenses equally then why on earth should he be contributing thousands of pounds towards a holiday that he doesn't even go on?! Especially when it sounds like the children also get to go on holiday with their dad and OP. So it's not even like they'd be going without a holiday if he stopped funding his ex's holidays?!

It's absolutely bonkers. I'd never dream of asking my children's father to pay towards me taking our children on holiday. If I want to take them away then I save money to go. If I can't afford it then that's my problem.

Maybe they would, maybe not. I dont know the ex's financial position. But I'd have thought if that's all there was to it, the OPs husband, who knows the circumstances and the woman far better than we ever could, and who has the woman he's married to exerting pressure in the other direction, would have called a halt to it. It seems odd to me that a man married to another woman would be so in thrall to his ex that he could be played like a fiddle for her benefit completely against his own judgement.

This is utterly ridiculous. If the ex wants to take her kids on holiday, then she should pay for it! She also has a partner whom she lives with. That example of her booking a trip to Disneyland! Ha ha ha!

I'd be asking your DH to ask his ex for a contribution towards your family holiday, tbh.

He should pay half of the cost to send the children on hoody’s with their mum. Mum and boyfriend pay their own way and the other half of the cost of the children.

*hoody’s ? Holidays

But if that's the case then the ex and her new partner should pay for the DH's kids to go on holiday with OP and their child?

True! I’d approach her with that idea and leave it with her

Op I’m with you and your husband. She can pay for her own him days from now on. Write an email and send it asap.

*Holidays

So then the mum should pay half when he takes them on holiday?
Or, to make it easier, they just each pay everything for the individual holidays they take the kids on. Simple.

I don’t see what the problem is. If it’s 50/50, he pays for the DCs’ holidays with him, she pays for their holidays with her. If she can’t afford it, she doesn’t take them away. If he can’t afford it, he doesn’t take them away. If she can only afford a cheaper holiday, that’s what they get with her. Etc etc.

There’s no obligation on one parent to ensure that the children have exactly the same standard of living in both homes. One parent could have won the lottery, or received a huge inheritance, or worked their arse off and made a tonne of sacrifices to save lots, or made lifestyle changes, or married a footballer. None of these things entitles the other parent of the joint DC to a share of that windfall/extra money. The money is for the children, not the ex-spouse. The children have two different parents, two different people (regardless of married/divorced).

This is but one of the many, many terrible consequences of raising children post-divorce/separation. Your DH is, as so many are, paralyses by guilt and fear. What a lesson to teach his children, what a warped understanding of family life and obligation and duty.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy thats not the case, he is deciding what he’s doing with his money (OP has found a solution involving separated finances if she objects with the current classification), and that as other posters have said is to give his children time with their mother abroad.

I find the pettiness towards the ‘ex girlfriend’ on this thread increasingly distasteful and I say this as someone who wouldn’t accept a dime from my ex because I don’t need to and we don’t have an agreement and I just don’t want anything from him but if I was with someone who had such an agreement, I’d let it be and in fact do.

Before there is more outrage, OP gets her family holiday of course.

The DH is either happy to do this or not, and it’s not up to the OP as to how he spends his money on his children, that is more controlling than anything else. Finally, family money, includes previous D.C. spending although there are many on here who miss this fact.

I know many think the bare minimum statutory maintenance is wonderful but it seems at least there is someone trying to do their best for their D.C.

With every post of yours I've read dh seems to have provided and is providing well for dc. The ex is taking advantage to say the least. Dh is already taking the dc on holiday and given the ex is financially stable and with another partner, she can pay for her holiday herself. I agree with saying that this year is the last holiday he's paying for and a limit on the amount (cost of living and all that). Unfortunately unless he's willing to stand up to her nothing's going to change. If this is impacting your finances as well, you quite rightly have a say but he has to be the one that talks to her.

For those saying it's only right he pay for both holidays, at what point is it fair that she decides the cost ( Disney land ffs) and just sends the bill to the father ? To me that's taking the piss.

I find it distasteful that you find it acceptable in a marriage for one spouse to unilaterally give away thousands of pounds per year.
Previous childrens expenses should be covered my family money but this is a piss take.
They are not the only children who matter and OPs family finances are being needlessly strained.
It's a shame that a wedge is being placed in OPs marriage due to this but if the DH wants to give away "his" money then it needs to not impact OP and her kids.

@yardandbard totally spot on.! That’s exactly what some on here are trying to do .
I hope you have listened to sense though . His ex is doing well and has her own relationship now too, she has to budget her own holiday now as you and dh do .

@Raincloudsonasunnyday you have a point but this is not always the case, there are generous men who want to give their DC as best a life as possible and aren’t caught up in the fact there is an ex or too who may also be involved, I don’t want to say benefit, as holidays with D.C. aren’t for the sole pleasure of the parent.

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy you have an axe to grind which is fine, but I still don’t agree that a father wanting to do something such as this should be an issue, and if a week in Lanzarote causes such consternation and accusations a of manipulating behaviour etc it points to a wider issues in the latest relationship.