Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

505 replies

yardandbard · 09/01/2024 19:16

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

OP posts:
Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 09:54

Sounds like you have a solution OP

Original poster
yardandbard · 10/01/2024 09:57

Teder · 10/01/2024 09:51

Well that’s how I read it but apparently a few posters read it differently and now they’re adamant the OP has lied / changed her story. 🤨🤨🤨🤨 I read the first post clearly as 50:50 contact - it’s a commonly used term to say “50:50” but it’s a weird way to refer to just money. To me, it was about contact time.

Show quote history

I haven't changed or shifted anything, I think certain PPs were just hoping they could justify why he should pay for this by him being an EOW dad who barely does anything else. Its harder to justify it when you accept that he actually does do a fair share and always has so it's convenient for them to act like my story has "changed".

OP posts:
Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 09:59

No, there is no justification needed, even if they lived with you full time, there is nothing wrong with him paying for a holiday with their mother, and you will have a calmer life if you accept this.

coffeeaddict77 · 10/01/2024 10:09

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 09:59

No, there is no justification needed, even if they lived with you full time, there is nothing wrong with him paying for a holiday with their mother, and you will have a calmer life if you accept this.

If they have joint finances they are both paying and so he does need to justify.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:12

As it’s a pre-existing agreement I disagree but OP can separate her finances if she doesn’t like it as she said.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 10/01/2024 10:19

Surely what is meant by that is there is no right to a holiday if you can't afford it. If you can't afford it, you don't have the right to insist someone else funds it for you

you are starting to loose me now. It’s not just someone else, and arguably he isn’t paying a penny for her to go on holiday, but for his children to go with her.

coffeeaddict77 · 10/01/2024 10:22

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:12

As it’s a pre-existing agreement I disagree but OP can separate her finances if she doesn’t like it as she said.

I doubt that there was a preexisting agreement for OPs DH to pay for his exes holidays for the rest of time.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 10/01/2024 10:26

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:12

As it’s a pre-existing agreement I disagree but OP can separate her finances if she doesn’t like it as she said.

I'd argue that marriage superseded pre existing arrangements to fund the lifestyle of a spouses ex girlfriend.

Duvetdayforme · 10/01/2024 10:26

Until you accept that this IS YOUR DH CHOICE you really aren’t going to get anywhere OP. He is choosing to have you kicking off rather than her. He is prioritising her feelings, and that must be difficult for you to swallow.

However, I hope this thread has been useful as you do appear to have a solution now, separate finances.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:28

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy nasty, you mean the mother of his children surely?

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 10/01/2024 10:32

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:28

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy nasty, you mean the mother of his children surely?

No, I mean his ex girlfriend.

cuddlebear · 10/01/2024 10:38

I can’t see that the OP has changed her story, that’s pretty unfair and inaccurate.

However, I do agree that she’s determined to ignore the fact that her husband is choosing to fund his children’s holidays with his ex. We don’t know whether what he pays is even covering their holiday costs, never mind contributing to his exes costs.

No, he doesn’t have to do it, but he is choosing to which makes him sound lovely. Until you factor in that OP says he couldn’t afford to be so generous if they had separate finances. Now he’s being generous with someone else’s money…

Honestly OP, you can protest all you want, but DH is choosing to contribute to his DC holidays with their mother. Nobody is holding even a metaphorical gun to his head. Stop kidding yourself.

If he can afford this from his own funds, fair play to the man. I wouldn’t be contributing to it though. Definitely a good case for separating the finances.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 10:40

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy well we are discussion his children and their mother so you’ve missed a bit, or you’re just a bit of a dick.

sHREDDIES19 · 10/01/2024 10:57

This is a complete mickey take, I bet the ex and her partner can't believe their luck! End this...now. The kids already have their holiday with you and their dad, it's now up to his ex and her partner to fund their side of things. Wow, so very grabby. Has she no shame?!

cstaff · 10/01/2024 11:31

I thought the way you were talking that your DH made a massive amount of money but you said £45,000 which is not bad but not enough to fund a family holiday for your ex that you are not included in. It was a nice thing to do initially but now that she has her own partner and a decent salary I would be saying no from now on.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 10/01/2024 11:36

@Alicesmagicmushroom that's hilarious you are so offended by my referring to her as his ex girlfriend but you are happy to call me a dick 😂
I don't see that this is about his children to be honest. They are being well provided for in both homes as they should be.
As PP have said, this is about a man who is happy to piss of his wife by handing over thousands of pounds of their money needlessly every year rather than risk a tantrum from his ex.
It's completely unacceptable.
The children will be going on holiday regardless, the ex will just have to budget and pay for it as OP and her DH do, she's not on the bones of her arse.

tinkertee · 10/01/2024 11:44

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 08:32

I can’t believe the outrage about a dad is facilitating a holiday with their mother. So what if she has a new partner, my partner still supports his ex in some ways, I don’t have an issue with it at all as his children benefit from having a stable mother. I facilitate things for my children when they are with their dad and that not a hill I think it worth dying on.

Some of the mean and miserliness from some of you is eye watering.

as for the posters who say there are rage fuelled exs projecting, try again, I only see the people not wanting him to gift his previous family a holiday all tied up in knots. Strange mentality.

The worst for me is those begrudging children a holiday stating it’s not a right. Christ on a bike, same logic applies to the current family then.

The kids get a yearly holiday. With their dad. If their mum can't afford a holiday that's not his concern.

This thread is the usual level of bonkers you see when people just refuse to accept that a father is doing right by his kids despite the fact that he and the mum are separated. Nothing will ever be good enough so some people.

Teder · 10/01/2024 11:44

Given he uses this money for his children, take a similar amount from the joint finances and do something for yourself.

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 11:50

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy im not offended I just think undermining her role as their mother is dickish, you are entirely correct.

Not sure why your are so resentful of this man doing what he’s doing.

@tinkertee I’m not sure what you mean, as you first say it’s not his concern they can only go with their mother if their father facilitate it, then you say he’s doing the right thing?

@Teder sensible!

MinnieGirl · 10/01/2024 11:51

It seems a bit odd for the ex wife to expect her ex husband to pay for her annual holiday…. Especially as OP as stated she and DH take the step children on holiday with their own kids.
So the step children get two holidays….
I wouldn’t be happy at all.
I would be saying this year if you want to take the kids on holiday you will have to fund it yourself. We will obviously include them with any holiday plans we make but can no longer afford to fund your holiday.
She has a new partner for goodness sake! If she starts maybe suggest that it’s her turn to fund your holiday…

tinkertee · 10/01/2024 11:59

Alicesmagicmushroom · 10/01/2024 11:50

@ChristmasSugarplumFairy im not offended I just think undermining her role as their mother is dickish, you are entirely correct.

Not sure why your are so resentful of this man doing what he’s doing.

@tinkertee I’m not sure what you mean, as you first say it’s not his concern they can only go with their mother if their father facilitate it, then you say he’s doing the right thing?

@Teder sensible!

I mean overall he's doing the right thing. They have the kids 50:50. The OP says he's pays for a little more than what their mum pays for day to day. He's being the dad he should be basically.
This holiday does not come under "doing the right thing"

5128gap · 10/01/2024 12:22

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 10/01/2024 11:36

@Alicesmagicmushroom that's hilarious you are so offended by my referring to her as his ex girlfriend but you are happy to call me a dick 😂
I don't see that this is about his children to be honest. They are being well provided for in both homes as they should be.
As PP have said, this is about a man who is happy to piss of his wife by handing over thousands of pounds of their money needlessly every year rather than risk a tantrum from his ex.
It's completely unacceptable.
The children will be going on holiday regardless, the ex will just have to budget and pay for it as OP and her DH do, she's not on the bones of her arse.

Why do you think its not about the children? My children were well provided for with 'sufficient' holidays (whatever people believe that to mean!) but adore their other parent and some of their happiest memories involve holidays he was part of. Had circumstances meant that it was a choice between my children losing out on that experience or me chipping in for it, I'd have paid. As I did so my parents could take them away. A holiday with me and my new partner isn't a substitute for one with their other parent or grandparents, it's something entirely different and if I could afford both for them I would have. That's not to say there's an obligation, but I really struggle with this idea of only doing what you absolutely have to for your DC, because God forbid an ex might benefit.

FKAT · 10/01/2024 12:24

I'm not an ex wife but I can't imagine my husband, were he to divorce me, begrudging a contribution towards his kids' holidays when he earns 25% more than me. The OP's DH isn't paying for the boyfriend or the ex to go - he's just contributing to the kids' expenses.

I just see this from the kids' point of view - dad isn't paying towards our holiday any more when he made a commitment that he would.

coffeeaddict77 · 10/01/2024 12:30

FKAT · 10/01/2024 12:24

I'm not an ex wife but I can't imagine my husband, were he to divorce me, begrudging a contribution towards his kids' holidays when he earns 25% more than me. The OP's DH isn't paying for the boyfriend or the ex to go - he's just contributing to the kids' expenses.

I just see this from the kids' point of view - dad isn't paying towards our holiday any more when he made a commitment that he would.

They are going on a holiday though. It's just with him rather than with the ex. They aren't going to think he made a "commitment" to pay for the rest of time unless the ex says he did in which case I'm sure that they will understand it's not the case. Presumably they aren't that young now.

Goldbar · 10/01/2024 12:31

Would the children prefer to go on holiday with their mum or dad?

Surely if it's about the kids and the two households between them can only afford one holiday for the kids, then the question should be which holiday will they enjoy the most?

Swipe left for the next trending thread