To think there are a lot of nasty people on Mumsnet?

[Poile]

Just that.

Have seen so many directly aggressive and passively aggressive comments on here that it makes me think that many mumsnetters are just plain nasty. Assuming to due to unhappiness with own life.

Some examples stick out - when people ask to guess their age some of the guesses are just rude and over the top inaccurate. One poster even questioned a person’s gender even stating they had thick eyebrows which were not groomed due to depression. The disingenuous of “please don’t think I’m being rude but …”.

Also saw someone ask for help with their curtains and the amount of snide remarks was shocking.

I also think a lot of people in here think their way is best and the only way. Insufferable.

To me the people who will kick a person when they are down just seems disproportionately high. Obviously the fact it’s an anonymous forum adds to this.

It's what women do I'm afraid

I do feel that some threads are created to try to make women tear into one another.

Totally agree OP. AIBU at any rate. It's like some people just cannot bear the fact that not everyone thinks and acts the same way. The levels of vitriol against introverts, hidden disabilities, people who don't work, even people that don't answer the bloody door. And of course people who 'sound weird', heaven forbid.

But this being Mumsnet, any attempt to call out the nastiness is eventually met with the oh-so-edgy retort of 'Netmums is that way hun', in fact someone will probably have posted it by the time I submit this, along with 'just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be nice' and assorted sneers about 'be kind'.

And before anyone asks what I'm doing on here if I hate it so much, I don't hate it at all. Other parts of MN are nicer and more constructive and I've learned a lot, and had a lot of support, from people on MN. But I think AIBU is problematic, despite the fact that I often get drawn into it despite myself. It's probably the main cash cow and drawer-in of MN, but also the main negative about the site due to the sheer toxicity. IMO anyway.

Being kind and simpering aren't remotely the same thing though, are they?

Everyone, male or female, should always be kind, in my opinion. It shows great strength of character, as well as making the world generally better. Yet I think sadly sometimes people conflate kindness with weakness.

I do agree that there are strangely unkind people on here - it often seems to be directed at any who, from their posting style or details in their post, might be perceived to be working class.

Class prejudice absolutely disgusts me, so I don't know why I come on here so much!

There are lots of good things about it too though - lots of kind posters and knowledgable, interesting ones. And lots who are hilarious - there are posts I read on here years ago that still make me laugh to this day when I think of them.....

But there's an absolute ton of space between 'too nice' and 'horrible for no reason'. It's not a binary situation.

On Mumsnet, you can choose not to follow topics that you don't like and MNHQ wouldn't entertain a misogynist porn topic. So the best of both worlds.

Why does it always rain on me?

For the last few years I’ve noticed it always gets worse over Christmas! There have been some awful responses to posters asking for help, really nasty and denigrating their choices with no thought for what led them there. Posters that haven’t read the OP and project their own experiences on to something and making it all about whatever happened to them then take all responses personally. Then again there are lots of genuinely lovely, smart, insightful and helpful posters out there. With the nasty ones you get to recognise their usernames and just gloss over them.

The good:

• FWR.
• Relationships, and just generally the support given to abused wives.
• Neurodiverse Mumsnetters.

The bad:

• I've encountered some unpleasant ablism towards autistic people. Usually the mods nuke it pretty quickly, but that someone even thought it was OK to post that is still alarming.
• The people who don't quite seem to grasp that MNers Without Children doesn't mean "my kids have flown the nest".
• The people who haven't yet grasped that Mumsnet has expanded beyond being just a parenting site and that intentionally childfree people aren't barred from joining.

Interesting.

There was a thread very recently about how much better, lovelier and fluffier Tatler was than this site, now here's a thread claiming Reddit of all places compares with MN as an all-round haven of tranquility, peace and supportiveness.

'Scuse me while I pick up my ribs ...

They're all just discussion forums and the difference is in the moderation. Reddit, however, has a larger than average misgogynistic component, with some of the subs coming uncomfortably close to the Manosphere.

The door fixation on MN is really small stuff by comparison, but admittedly it's baffling. I will answer my door or not - in my own home - as I see fit! (And who the hell cares, anyway). But door-answering, impromptu visiting, bog brushes and dishwashers all sound like silly foibles to me, as opposed to outright toxicity and some of the sinister undertow of the more, shall we say, 'niche' subs.

I'm only an occasional poster on the FWR boards but IMO these are informative, fascinating, and proactive. In a world in which SM has made misogyny rife again, and women's rights have suffered serious setbacks, it makes a refreshing change to find an active online feminist community incorporating some real (and much-needed) grass roots activism. The difference between this and the woman-hating sites mentioned upthread couldn't be more marked.

I've hid many topics I'm not interested in, or I dislike.

some of the subs coming uncomfortably close to the Manosphere

They are recruiting grounds for the manosphere, lets be honest here.

Re your whole post: you've beautifully highlighted the double standard between male acceptable social media use and female acceptable social media use, which of course reflects the double standards women are held to throughout life.

yes to this! It's been horrific over Christmas I've noticed.

I posted a thread just before Christmas under a different name when I was really struggling and needed support with a situation with my teen - I got absolutely torn to shreds and accused of not loving her, all sorts.

Just a few days ago I posted about something different and once again had some awful responses, it got so bad my thread was deleted by mods as there were so many personal attacks it became so unpleasant and unhelpful. And actually there were some helpful responses in amongst the nasty shit so I was gutted it got deleted without warning as I was reading the helpful stuff.

I'm very, very wary of this board as a result and would hesitate to post here again if I felt vulnerable.

People can be dicks if they like. Other people can judge them. Or call them out

Yes, I agree OP. And the lack of listening and nuance drive me crazy.

Evidence?

It's the way of the internet and it's only getting worse. I don't know how social media influencers do it, the comments sections on the main platforms are horrendous!

Exactly and this was the original point.

People can be dicks on MN, get judged and called out and then name change, so people will interact with them again.

Be a dick on forums where name changing isn't allowed, and you'll reap what you sow in terms of no-one wanting to talk to you.

But as I said, MN wouldn't work without name changing.

There is never any evidence because any actual transphobia (very rare) is rightly deleted. But to some sections of the internet, advocating for women's rights is "transphobia".

Which is, of course, nonsense; transmen are included in the battle for women's rights. It's a sex-based thing.

@Ilovelurchers your classism is showing.

A belief found worthy of respect in a democratic society (Forstater v CGD) and hence protected by the Equality Act 2010 is not "bigotry".

Your right to disagree with people does not equate to a right to slander them.

The person starting an argument is you by slandering FWR posters in the first place.

Yes I’ve noticed it too. And much worse over the last few years. Some people get a kick out of being rude or argumentative. They need a hobby

At many universities, there are debating societies where people argue with each other as a hobby. If joining the Oxford Union is a legitimate hobby, why can't arguing on here be a legitimate hobby?

I know you weren't talking to me, but I'm going to jump in anyway. Pointing out that some posters on a predominantly female forum seem to enjoy going out of their way to be nasty isn't the same as saying they shouldn't be nasty because they are women. I agree the double standard you mention exists (regrettably) but I don't think this particular thread is an example of it. I can't think of any of the shitty things I've seen posted that I wouldn't consider equally shitty coming from men.

I think this site now attracts a lot of Incels who want to give women a good kicking (especially if they’re down) while pretending to be one.