DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

I don't think you should ever hit your partner (or anyone, tbh), but it is OK, if it's in self defence.

And it works both ways, for all genders. If I was physically attacking my DH I'd fully expect at least one smack off him to get me off him.

You've done nothing wrong. I've just read all of your updates, are you aware that you're in an abusive marriage? I strongly suggest you seeking legal advice and separating asap. Perpetrators of domestic abuse are very good at manipulating their actions into making the victims feel responsible for the abuse. You did nothing wrong. Your husband is vile. Leave him.

Having worked full time as a teacher and a single parent (every few weekends I’d be on my own due to her dad having her) since DD was a baby, I think you perhaps do…that’s not normal at all, no. Nobody I know did that routinely with small children and work - occasionally, perhaps, but not routinely.

It’s not a lot to only work 3 days a week op. I do like to go to bed early too during winter though.

Yes, but you’ve identified a health issue causing it - thyroid. What people are (mostly) saying is it’s worth the OP getting her health checked.

Why does it matter? If it works for you it's normal for you. This obsession to be just like everyone else is really sad and honestly harmful.

I echo the other posts here - if you are that tired you need to see a GP and get your thyroid and iron levels checked. And discuss your mood - I am assuming it is very low - this could be organic (anaemia etc) or due to psychological factors.

Your DH is not being unreasonable to want to spend time with you and the fact that you are too tired indicates that you are either unwell or that you may have some measure of post natal depression (this can occur anytime while children are in their infancy) so you may need to consider medication/counselling if blood-work comes back normal.

Hope you will read these replies and be spurred on to make an appointment as you are too young to be living such a half life. Kids are tiring, but you should still be enjoying life (and your marriage). Please reach out to your health visitor or a good friend.

Maybe “physically attacking” means different things to different people, but I certainly wouldn’t say pointing a finger qualifies.

There are lots of options before we get anywhere close to using self defence- stepping back, leaving the room, leaving the house.

I agree with you that if I hit DH I’d expect to be hit back, but at the point both of us are physical with each other we are both in the wrong and there’s no relationship left to even question.

Yeah I used to do this.
The thing that sorted it was giving my DH a massive kick up the arse as I was doing absolutely every fucking thing on the house. That seemed to help an awful lot too. Having equal time to ourselves etc.
It amazing how in 2024 there are comments on this thread to someone who is clearly struggling doing every little thing and ALL the parenting that you must be ill to be so tired. Maybe you are, maybe you are just burnt out.

I also don't think a finger in the face counts as physically attacking, I was responding to the fact that you said its never OK. In some (small amount) of circumstances, I think it is.

I've got a toddler and work everyday. I'm asleep for about 10. 8 seems a bit early. What time do you get up?

I would say if his finger was touching your face then that is assault and you are justified in batting it out of the way.

Your husband does seem to be very entitled with no changes to his life after having children as you do everything. Maybe you could explore what your life would look like if he wasn’t in it dragging you down. Your children will cope, as long as you don’t denigrate their father.
Maybe if you wfh is from a laptop, you could do it from a nice coffee shop and have a pleasant, civilised day.

Okay, but that isn’t relevant here is it?

I don’t think anyone would disagree that when faced with being physically attacked, people do hit back.

But in this case, pointing a finger, doesn’t mean it’s okay to hit. That’s what the OP was asking.

I'm not sure why you feel so bad when it's your DH who instigated the incident. I think your actions were absolutely correct. There is no way he should have been poking his finger in your face like an arrogant 1950s headmaster. Inexcusable behaviour from him.

Talking about the bed time issue. 8pm is crazily early if you’re healthy and not working unusual hours. It’s not much of a marriage if you don’t spend any evenings together.

But you sound like you have greater problems than this one.

To those saying it - I don't think the ops husband does want to spend time with her (sorry op).

(Although a good test might be to stay up past 8 with him one day to see what he does).

I think he wants as many things as possible that he can 'blame' the op for/make her feel guilty so that he gets an easy pass to continue to abuse her, and live the life of a single man whilst still getting kids out of it.

He basically does exactly what he wants to, and if the op dares mention it, he brings up things like her going to bed at 8 as his defence. It's win win for him.

I think a finger being pointed in your face touching it gives you the right to move it away.

Your husband is useless and abusive. Probably coercive control going on, he has really done a number on you mentally if you feel guilty for pushing his finger out of your face. The abuse is really worrying because he will escalate. In the meantime he’ll drain you physically and emotionally.

If I wasn’t exhausted by 8 pm I’d pretend to be to get away from him.

It’s definitely a good idea to see your GP and get a health check maybe a blood test, but I suspect the bedtime might be a red herring here. The real problem is your husband. The good news is you probably won’t recognise yourself when you are away from him, and since he does nothing anyway…
Your children will certainly be much better with just you than growing up witnessing their mother being treated like this. For their sake and yours I would just focus on how best to get out.

If someone pointed their finger at me in the way he did to you I would have whacked it out of the way aswell, that’s quite threatening behaviour

Move it away or move away from it yourself, yes absolutely.

”hit”? No.

You only work three days a week and presumably, DCs are at school, nursery during the day and when you work (though I note you work on a Sunday, which seems difficult). If you are so tired you are going to bed at 8 pm then something is wrong. Not just physically either, though you need to get bloods done and a check on your thyroid as others have said. But your comment that you want to sit and think, i.e. be totally passive, suggests depression on top of anything physical - that might tie in with thyroid problems? You really need to see your GP and also do things which you enjoy. It is not on for your DH to spend the whole week-end on sports unless you are doing something equally you-centred. Marriage counseling may also be needed if your DH cannot see this. Feel so sorry for you, but you can make things better.

Maybe “physically attacking” means different things to different people, but I certainly wouldn’t say pointing a finger qualifies.

You don't think yelling that a man yelling at a woman that she is a mother-fucking cunt while poking their finger in her face is physically attacking?

Christ, you've lead a lot more violent life than me then - I'd consider that extremely threatening.

"I don't think you should ever hit your partner (or anyone, tbh), but it is OK, if it's in self defence."

Correct. Or in the defence of another person.

"And it works both ways, for all genders. If I was physically attacking my DH I'd fully expect at least one smack off him to get me off him."

Not sure about this. When one person is much stronger than the other, the stronger one should be able to defend themselves without smacking, by for example, grabbing your arms and restraining you.

OP - have you counted how many hours sleep you actually get. Pre-my vitamin regime, I needed 9-10 hours. Now I'm fine on 7 (still, with getting up at 4:30 that means I have to be asleep by by 9-30 so in bed by 9ish - really not far off 8pm - if I was also being woken in the night persistently I'd need more.

I do think you need to get it looked at - I think it'll also help you think more clearly about everything going on.

Your problem isn't the sleep. It's that your husband is an arsehole and you clearly (understandably) don't like him. Leave him. It'll be easier- honestly.