DH moaning that I go to bed early

[ItsDee]

So I usually go to bed at around 8pm most nights as I am just so exhausted with work and the children, I work 3 days per week and children are 6 and 3. I never know when my husband is coming home from work as it varies from 18:00-8, he leaves in the morning before nursery/school drop offs etc so the morning falls on me too. He keeps moaning that he just sits downstairs by himself most nights but I really cant help it I am exhausted, anybody else feel this way?

Poor you and I think your DH could be a bit more sympathetic! It is tiring but sounds like extreme exhaustion if you need to be in bed at 8pm every night though (unless you’re waking up very early?), could there be any underlying issues like anaemia? (I suffer with this off & on).
When does DH see the kids? Sounds like he’s never home?? Does he really need to stay so late at work? It would be completely reasonable for him to send you a quick message to say what time he’ll be home so you can decide if you feel like staying up or not.
DH might also just have to grow up and accept that while your kids are still young it’s probably more realistic to spend quality time together on the weekends when DCs are in bed than on a weeknight really, when he is around to help with dinner & bedtimes etc!

OP - if his finger was in your face while he called you a mother-fucking cunt (is it hyphenated?), close enough that you could bat it away, then no, that was aggressive and you batting it out of the way was a completely proportionate response. You didn't grab it and break it, you pushed it out of your face, just as you'd do any other threatening thing that close to you.

My ex was so checked out that the kids didn't even notice he'd gone until I finally thought I'd better tell them 3 weeks later (he'd buggered off with no notice of when/if he'd be back - 8 months later it turned out!)

I don’t think it’s fair to call it a drip feed.

Threads often go this way on MN. OP posts about something relatively minor, a few posts later it becomes clear there are much bigger problems in the relationship- but OP didn’t post about that behaviour because she thought it was normal or it wasn’t causing arguments (because she had always put up with it).

It isn’t deliberately concealing information to get a skewed result which is what I’d call dripfeeding.

Going to bed at 8:00 is extremely unusual, so it is worth checking the physical side of things, as well as investigating whether you may have depression.

However, going to bed early is the least of your concerns. Your husband sounds abusive and the relationship has become toxic. If the marriage is to continue, he will need to make huge changes. If he isn't willing to do that, I'd end the marriage if I were in your shoes.

This.

OP didn't mention the abusiveness because his behaviour has become "normal" to her. This is a symptom of the abuse.

I dunno, she briefly mentioned him not helping out that much and moaning because she was going to bed early in the first post and then a few posts later he is pointing in her face and swearing? I would have opened with that, personally.

Well this thread has taken a turn! OP no wonder you go to bed so early. You are getting absolutely no rest or time to yourself. What was he like before DC? I don't know where to start but you need help bringing him into line. Unfortunately he has gotten away with it for years by the sounds of it. 😭 His treatment sound abusive. What do you want to do?

I don't think you need a GP. I think you need a better husband.

Not normal that's far too early.

What time do you wake up? I get up at 4 so I'm dead most nights by 9

So he basically spends no time at all looking after the kids, properly, even the one day a week you work and he doesn't? He basically never sees them in the week as he comes home so late, and still goes to play sport on a weekend? And he thinks you going to bed early is the problem? I'd be tempted to say if he doesn't see it as a problem he spends no time with your kids, why should you see it as a problem you don't spend time with him? He seems to want you to be a full time nanny, cook, maid, cleaner, household manager but still a fun wife too, but expects to bring nothing to the relationship himself except money, not even care or basic respect, judging by your updates.

Also, when you say he has NEVER! got up with the kids because he doesn't wake up, i'd point out if I had the luxury of never waking up in the night, I'd probably stay up later too.

8pm bed does seem early but life is tiring with young kids, night waking and a job. And let's face it, your updates suggest he isn't much fun to be around so why would you want to wait up for him. The only reason I stayed up any later at that stage of kids and work was because I valued the child free downtime to watch TV etc, not because I wasn't tired! And that was with a dh who pulled his weight and was also part time. If your relationship sounded worth working on I'd say make an effort to stay up a couple of nights a week, but frankly from the way he speaks to you and points in your face (and then somehow makes that your fault!), why bother making an effort for him!

And please don't feel bad about the finger thing. Yes 'hitting' it out if the way makes it sound bad, but he aggressively hot in your suave first so you have the right to defend yourself and if I'm picturing it correctly, what you did would never injure or probably even hurt someone.

Just to let you know op, we've had quite a few incels on this site of late. And/or Men's rights activists. There are a couple on this thread. Just ignore them.

It isn't a drip feed.

Because so often women don't realise they're in abusive relationships. Their first post is fairly innocuous to many people with 'what have I done wrong' 'what should I do better' at the end.

It is normally obvious to experienced women from the first post and the way they write, that they're in abusive relationships and have been gaslit so much that they no longer have any sense of normal.

They don't realise it, so don't put that info in the op.

I would have written ltb from the first post, the clues are there from the query of what she can do better, but I know I would have been jumped on till the abuse was detailed out a few posts on.

Well as he never sees or parents the kids it will be better for them as they will get to see him more as shared custody will ensure it, unless he turns out to be the kind of shit man who never sees them. But hey ho, you will be happier. Get rid of this lump.

Congratulations you have a shit husband

Imagine if you had that conversation about child care on Sunday with a stranger from the street. Would that have been an acceptable way of them talking to you? You didn't hear it from a stranger you heard it from a person that is meant to love you, meant to be investigated in your life, well being and career. Has he done anything recently to show that he is?

For the kids, well it's you that provides all their care so that will continue but maybe they have a happier healthier mum who isn't hiding from life in the evenings and isn't wasting energy looking after a third child who should know better. It might force their dad to step up and be a dad too. My sister split up with her husband when her daughter was 3. It turns out he is a much better dad than he ever was a husband. When they were together he couldn't separate being abusive to my sister and being a father to my niece. He's still a controlling arse but my niece has a relationship with her dad which she didn't have when her parents were married

That needs looking at, unless it's depression I work with 4 children under 5, 11 hours a day 5 days a week and don't often go to bed before midnight.
I bet he hates coming home to sit on his own.

Op, you work 3 days a week, 1 of which is Sunday, which means you work 2 days in the working week. Did you do this to save on child care?

it seems he sees you as a stay at home mum during this time, and due to his hours, ie he needs to leave before nursery, but you deeply resent it, understandably , as he does nothing.

I think sit down and talk about a split of chores. For childcare, yes I’d expect you to do that on the 3 days a week you don’t work.as I would him on a Sunday. Doing sport is fine if you get equal time.

the other option is go back to work full time,hire a child minder to do the nursery runs.

well I say other option, when I mean other option past ending your marriage but I suspect you don’t wish to do that.

I know - I’ve read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’ after leaving an abusive marriage myself many years ago.

I was trying to point out that this thread may no longer be that helpful to the OP because many people won’t read her updates. I suggested she repost in Relationships, with the full picture.

OP - I decided to leave my H after he squared up to me and shouted obscenities in my face. I was sure it would get worse. It was only later I realised how much I had been manipulated in to feeling worthless and useless and I used to try and avoid him when I could… although I used to get so much shit for falling asleep early that, like the dutiful wife, I would make myself stay up and tend to his ‘needs’ - so I do get it!

How does he do that if it's his working hours? Many people leave for work way before 8.30 and get home this late. I guess packing in his job would help everyone but eating could be fun.

And that needs sorting too.

I work full time - when both were under 3 months old I went to bed about 9pm but reverted back to 1030-11 most nights ever since.

Please add a sachet of Spatone daily to some pure orange juice, this will naturally increase your iron levels which you likely need due to your heavy blood loss. Spatone was amazing for me after I haemorrhaged after childbirth, I took two sachets per day then for a couple of weeks, then went back down to one per day. It's a natural supplement, so no nasty side effects like the prescription iron tablets can give.

This was me a good while back, and I had my bloods done and I had a vit D deficiency, felt loads better once I'd been on some supplements

I’d still argue it’s never okay to physically hit any part of your partner. Lets be careful of going anywhere near the “it’s okay to hit if he/she does xyz”. It’s not.

His finger was touching my face and I couldn't stand it so I wacked it out of the way. I have felt so bad ever since