AIBU to feel societal pressure re getting a house now we have a DD?

[Wannabemamas]

DH and I have been house hunting for a while but the current market is not great (yes prices are coming down but there aren’t many properties available). We are first time buyers, both almost 40 yo with a DD that is due to start school next year. We live in a lovely suburban London area but have been looking to buy a house elsewhere in the home counties (specifically in Surrey) because our budget won’t allow us to get a house where we are now. Whilst we started off being fully convinced with our decision, we are now having second thoughts having seen that the grass is not necessarily much greener in other areas (either a longer/less straightforward/more expensive commute or generally less nice areas than the one we live in right now).

I have been asking myself whether it would be “weird” to raise DD in an apartment in the London suburbs instead of a house with a garden further out as it’s “expected” once you have a family with DC in this country. I feel I would potentially be content in a nice apartment, provided we have: enough space, lots of natural light, period features like big bay windows would be a big plus, a very long lease, great location. I would definitely miss an outside space as would LOVE to have a garden but I also wonder whether this is a compromise worth making given we love our current area so much and works well for us as a family. There aren’t many garden flats in our area and the few that exist are LG floor with for us is definitely a no go.

For context, we have been renting a small 2 bed flat for almost 10 years so we are used to flat living but current salaries and deposit would allow us to ”upgrade” in terms of space so even if it wasn’t a house, it would definitely be a bigger and nicer flat than the one we have been living in.

I don’t want to let peer and societal pressure push us towards a direction that doesn’t fully work for us but equally, I am scared we’d be regretting not getting a house further down the line.

We also own a cat which is part of our family and I fear this could be an issue with a leasehold (our current landlord is very relaxed about pets so we had no issues but I know this isn’t always the case in leasehold properties?).

i didn’t know how to vote, YANBU to feel the pressure, YABU if you let it dictate important life choices. Thank you for articulating the way you have. We decided to buy a first floor flat (maisonette with loft conversion) in London suburbs rather than move further out and get a house. We absolutely love our flat, been in 1.5 years and I do occasionally have those doubts of oh I wish I had a house with kitchen with direct access to garden etc but only when the weather’s good which isn’t that often in this country. I still compare to others who have made different choices but this is the right choice for us. We love the location, we have lots of space and we do have a small garden and also live near a few parks.
Do what’s right for you, choose a property in a location you love over having the stereotypical dream home that everyone else is after.

@Blueskies2023 thank you, you are very right. Your home sounds lovely btw!

I think you are answering your own doubts here! Shorter, less expensive commute with loads of amenities and activities versus the opposite if you moved out of your area. I would say buy your flat now and see what happens in future. My husband and I didn't buy our first house until we were in our 50s. Before that, I lived in my flat for 20 years. I don't have children, though, although most people around me did - and they still live in those flats.

@Aavalon57 thank you, lots of food for thought. The thing is that I am sure that we will get used to the other areas too eventually, they aren't bad at all, it's just the convenience and the fact we love our current area so much that makes me hesitate a lot... I am warming up to the idea of buying a nice flat instead of a house more and more, we'll see :)

Yes, true, very hard to decide. When we bought our house we only moved a few streets away as we like our area, too! 😅

Thanks to all who replied to this. A lot of food for thought and we haven't yet made up our mind. Our hearts tell us to stay where we are and just be happy and content and buy a 2 bed flat we can afford. All the people around us seem to be buying massive properties and just have tons of cash to get "proper" houses in nice areas and I cannot help but feeling a bit jealous of that.

If a 2 bed flat suits your needs, do it. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

I think you know your family now, but you don’t know what they’d be like in 10 years. For me living in a flat would have been fine until the kids were about 7/8, after that I definitely appreciated having space to store stuff, get away from each other, use different rooms to watch TV etc. I think if we’d been in a flat my kids might have spent a lot more time in their rooms with headphones on! So I guess just remember that I’m not very long there will be 3 fully grown people living there all of whom need space and storage. One of my kids was also very prone to getting stir crazy if they were indoors all day so for them a garden was a godsend.

That said I know lots of people who raise 1-2 bed flats here and abroad (admittedly big ones), they are all fine.

@Heronwatcher but you are implying that a flat would be smaller than a house whereas houses within our budget in the areas we'd consider are mainly small 2 bed so in terms of rooms, space and storage, there isn't a difference. Actually it's far more likely we'd get more space in an apartment.

I bought a small 2 bed flat when we were in our 20s and would love more space and also ttc. Looking at buying a bigger flat.

I visited a friend who did buy a terrace (140 sq metres) for her, her dh and her baby. But she didn't seem to have more space for her stuff or find house easier to manage. She also doesn't really use the garden.. I think I would be more like her. So floorplan is important I think as well as spacious rooms and if on a budget easier to buy a really nice 2 bed flat with share of fh and garage than a sub optimal house.. Even houses in the home counties are expensive now and you would have to compromise in some way.

That's a good point @literaryloveaffair

We almost upsized from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed house. Sounds counterintuitive but it was nearly twice as big with large rooms and lots of storage. Sadly the sellers changed their mind about selling but it was a fantastic space that was well thought out. We ended up with 4 double beds and it's only 10sqm bigger than that house.

We also have friends who bought a new build with a decent sized garden. They don't really use it as see it as another chore to add to the list. They'd rather meet up at the park across the road for a picnic than host a bbq.

I don’t see the point in tiny gardens - a balcony is just a good to put decking out, plants, use for storage, and is more private than a tiny overlooked garden. And with multi-floor living, a lot of space gets wasted on landings, stairwells and having to have extra toilets and things on each floor.

A lovely BIG house with a nice BIG garden like my parents have, does have its charms, no doubt about it! I have such lovely memories of the kids all playing there in summer holidays! But then, British weather makes it unusable for much of the year, and few people of working age can buy big houses with generous gardens like that these days. My parents’ house is worth almost a million now, yet was bought on a single normal salary back in the 1980s.

Bumping as I'm in the same situation!

Everyone around us is desperately upgrading for a bigger house and moving further out but we feel we might be happy with a more modest property (an apartment) in our current area, which is lovely and gives us everything we need.