AIBU to feel societal pressure re getting a house now we have a DD?

[Wannabemamas]

DH and I have been house hunting for a while but the current market is not great (yes prices are coming down but there aren’t many properties available). We are first time buyers, both almost 40 yo with a DD that is due to start school next year. We live in a lovely suburban London area but have been looking to buy a house elsewhere in the home counties (specifically in Surrey) because our budget won’t allow us to get a house where we are now. Whilst we started off being fully convinced with our decision, we are now having second thoughts having seen that the grass is not necessarily much greener in other areas (either a longer/less straightforward/more expensive commute or generally less nice areas than the one we live in right now).

I have been asking myself whether it would be “weird” to raise DD in an apartment in the London suburbs instead of a house with a garden further out as it’s “expected” once you have a family with DC in this country. I feel I would potentially be content in a nice apartment, provided we have: enough space, lots of natural light, period features like big bay windows would be a big plus, a very long lease, great location. I would definitely miss an outside space as would LOVE to have a garden but I also wonder whether this is a compromise worth making given we love our current area so much and works well for us as a family. There aren’t many garden flats in our area and the few that exist are LG floor with for us is definitely a no go.

For context, we have been renting a small 2 bed flat for almost 10 years so we are used to flat living but current salaries and deposit would allow us to ”upgrade” in terms of space so even if it wasn’t a house, it would definitely be a bigger and nicer flat than the one we have been living in.

I don’t want to let peer and societal pressure push us towards a direction that doesn’t fully work for us but equally, I am scared we’d be regretting not getting a house further down the line.

We also own a cat which is part of our family and I fear this could be an issue with a leasehold (our current landlord is very relaxed about pets so we had no issues but I know this isn’t always the case in leasehold properties?).

In that case, go for the location you want if you think the smaller size is adequate for your needs. Personally I think some outdoor space is so important, but if you get out alot anyway it might be ok for you. There's no point having a bigger and nicer house if you don't really want to be there

Have a look at Violet Dent on instagram. Amazing flat. Happy daughter!

Friends moved to London and live in an apartment with their one dc. They are very happy. Don't second guess yourself.

@Jeneregrettaisrien I will!
@Hankunamatata thank you - we already do but we are renting and I definitely know it's doable (although we definitely need more space as our current flat is very small), it's more a matter of understanding whether it's the 'best' choice over a house with a garden a bit further out. I don't know why I am finding it so difficult!

Have you visited other areas where you might buy a house?

@Aavalon57 yes, we have, which is what I was saying. We had a look around a few places, some are also quite nice but we'd have a longer and more expensive commute or areas are generally less full of stuff to do and amenities compared to where we are now

I lived in a ground floor garden flat in a conversion with its own courtyard garden, walking distance from a great town with cinema, coffee shop, etc. in abundance. There are some lovely split level flats around, even just a few stairs giving an impression of a house. I would go with your gut on where you are happy and most definitely prioritise an easy commute and as a result less tired and more time with your child

I would say area is the bigger pro compared to the size of or type of property.
As long as your child is warm, fed and loved that’s all that matters.
I’m currently going through a remortgage and honestly, the rates, prices etc change daily. I’m not in the same personal position I was a year ago. Life is too short to worry too much about the far future. You know at some point you’d like a house with a garden but that point isn’t now and that’s ok.
Hope you find the perfect property for you & your family in the area you love ❤

Personally, I only have a garden because it's attached to the house (and I don't want to live in a flat). Realistically, we use our garden for about six months of the year absolute maximum. And even as a SAHM we only maybe use it two or three times a week. In most households with two working parents, I doubt you'd be using it more than on the weekends.

If you are happy living in a flat, I don't think a garden is a necessity enough that you should uproot your whole lives to buy a house.

@mummahbythesea thank you! <3 hope your remortgage process goes well!

I always look at it this way can you afford to rent when you retire and still live the life you want? If you can then stay renting if not then look at buying.

@Ladyluck22 i think you’ve misunderstood the question. It wasn’t rent or buy, it was buy a flat where they are (& are currently happy) or buy a house further out in a less desirable place

@Ladyluck22 I don’t think you have read the full post. We are buying. Just need to figure out what and where.

I really understand where you are coming from. We actually moved from Kingston where we rented to buy our first 2 bed flat not far into Surrey. The mortgage the same amount as our rent and we have more space and a massive communal garden in a great catchment area and a short distance from a decent train line into London. We have since had our DS and are considering moving to a house nearby. Our mortgage would double, all for a garden and maybe an extra room. It's a tough decision but I understand the pressure. I'm British but DH is not and grew up in apartments. We have had to ignore the pressure to focus on what is best now and to consider our finances (thank god we didn't move when rates were super low- we would have been screwed when remortgaging now). I suggest buying but why not a flat- we are really happy and have spare cash each month and a really lovely lifestyle.

@calmandcaffeinated glad this is working out well for you, sounds lovely. Gosh, twice the amount... is it even worth it? good luck with your choice!

We thought about moving a few years ago to live on a slightly nicer and more convenient street. We created a financial model and inputted the stamp duty and the moving costs and the higher mortgage costs over x years. Then we compared to putting into safe tax free investments via ISA and pensions. The former at our price point was so not worth it. The stamp duty is also a real killer too at a certain price point, as well as the mortgage rates you end up repaying. Houses require lots of maintenance too - I think in flats overall it may be 20per cent more expensive because management companies take a cut and typically go for larger contractors vs contractors under the VAT threshold.

@Araminta1003 thank you - so I suppose the point you are trying to make is that we need to carefully think of pros and cons and costs of both options long term?
Many of the flats I'd consider are a share of freehold in converted buildings, not many have management companies. I know this comes with extra responsibility but so would a house I guess.

I live is a share of freehold block. We have a management company as there is no way we could manage all the works and admin for 64 flats on our own (well at some point residents tried and 30 years later we are still undoing some of that damage 🙄)

Yes the Management Comany do require paying for their services but it is worth it. The difference is we are their bosses so we direct their work, make decisions on costs and what contracts they agree to. We can also sack them and go for a different agency if we don't like the costs/service.

Share of Freehold does not necessarily reduce your costs but it does give you more control. The downside is you do need people who are willing and step up and do that work (for example i have just spent half an hour comparing lift servicing contracts)

@Ginmonkeyagain yes I get there is always going to be a compromise somewhere, either having less of a say or more responsibilities etc. I think unless you have a massive budget or live in a very cheap area, there will always have to be a compromise on something, it's just a matter of understanding what could be more tolerable and what is worth enduring

Sometimes you can also get a house for the price of a flat, even in London if you go for a 1960/70s thing. A friend lived in a house on one of the Blackheath Estates and it seemed great. There were some restrictions like you cannot rent it out if you move out yourself which kept the value down but also actually meant it was a great community. So you can find gems like that if you are not all set on Victorian period features. I always think light/aspect on the inside is the most important thing/not kerb appeal. Besides kerb appeal can be altered with planting and colour. There will always be compromises.

@Araminta1003 the thing is that we like the area where we live now and here and in the surrounding areas, we certainly cannot get a house with our budget, unless is a complete fixer upper (which wouldn't be right for us as we'd have no cash left after deposit) or something in a really awful location, like right next to a motorway, which we'd never choose.

Lots of people grow on living in flats, with no negative consequences - London is filled with of entertainment and leisure facilities.
But I'd be bit concerned about the security of renting, once you get past the age where a mortgage would be easily available. Will you have enough money to buy outright once you retire? I think the downside to renting is that happens in older age.

@LadyBird1973 lots of comments like this one make me think my original post wasn't very clear - we are looking to BUY, not rent our next property!

Ahh, I misunderstood. In that case, I can't see that a nice flat in a good area is any kind of disadvantage. London has so much for kids.
I think service fees can be expensive but then, so is house ownership generally - there's always something that needs paying for!

I think service fees are a thing to think about and should be investigated carefully; they do def need to weighed up against the fact that flats are a lot cheaper to heat, and living more centrally often means not needing to buy and run a car or a second car. It all depends on your situation.