AIBU to feel societal pressure re getting a house now we have a DD?

[Wannabemamas]

DH and I have been house hunting for a while but the current market is not great (yes prices are coming down but there aren’t many properties available). We are first time buyers, both almost 40 yo with a DD that is due to start school next year. We live in a lovely suburban London area but have been looking to buy a house elsewhere in the home counties (specifically in Surrey) because our budget won’t allow us to get a house where we are now. Whilst we started off being fully convinced with our decision, we are now having second thoughts having seen that the grass is not necessarily much greener in other areas (either a longer/less straightforward/more expensive commute or generally less nice areas than the one we live in right now).

I have been asking myself whether it would be “weird” to raise DD in an apartment in the London suburbs instead of a house with a garden further out as it’s “expected” once you have a family with DC in this country. I feel I would potentially be content in a nice apartment, provided we have: enough space, lots of natural light, period features like big bay windows would be a big plus, a very long lease, great location. I would definitely miss an outside space as would LOVE to have a garden but I also wonder whether this is a compromise worth making given we love our current area so much and works well for us as a family. There aren’t many garden flats in our area and the few that exist are LG floor with for us is definitely a no go.

For context, we have been renting a small 2 bed flat for almost 10 years so we are used to flat living but current salaries and deposit would allow us to ”upgrade” in terms of space so even if it wasn’t a house, it would definitely be a bigger and nicer flat than the one we have been living in.

I don’t want to let peer and societal pressure push us towards a direction that doesn’t fully work for us but equally, I am scared we’d be regretting not getting a house further down the line.

We also own a cat which is part of our family and I fear this could be an issue with a leasehold (our current landlord is very relaxed about pets so we had no issues but I know this isn’t always the case in leasehold properties?).

“You are aware lots of people rent & put money into other investments?”

Well exactly. Some people would like flexibility. Investing via ISAs is now relatively tax efficient. No CGT, no income tax and you can put £20k in every year.
In London, in particular, it can be cheaper to rent than buy. Buying is so extortionate and return on investment for landlords is often very low. It all depends on your exact circumstances and if you know how to get a long, secure let. The types of landlords renting out nice expensive flats are often long term rich landlords who do not chuck people out and just want steady professional tenants who stay for years.

I think if you can find one a conversion flat or maisonette with a small garden would be ideal.

Always good to have somewhere to sit out, have a small BBQ, grow some tomatoes, let the cat out, or whatever.

Also these type of flats avoid huge service charges (dead money) and ground rents and often have shared freehold.

I don’t think some of you have full read the post or maybe I didn’t make it clear. We wouldn’t rent a new flat, we would BUY a flat (or a house).
We are currently renting but looking for a place to buy

@User562377 yes plenty of great schools where we are

I think part of the problem is that British flats aren't built with family living in mind and they are seen by many as inferior to houses, just a stepping stone. Packed in close and rarely soundproofed.

I spent time as a child in a European country where flats were huge and had cellar and loft spaces for each resident (including communal spaces used by kids ) They were typically built a round a green space which fostered a community.

Re flats - they are all mostly leasehold and have service charges - some have ground rent too. Beware!
There is very little leaseholders can do regarding controlling service charges which legally have to be paid and can be a big rip off by managing agents - see fb group for leasehold reform etc.

We had a leasehold flat in London, nothing in the lease about pets apart from that they couldn't make noise. Would recommend a council leasehold, we had no issues with ours, they only put the services charges up a little each year, and was £10 a year ground rent! Do what works for you and your family! Who cares what others think.

Of course, but in general, if you can’t afford to buy a home (whether a flat or a house) before having children then you’re going to find it even more difficult to afford to buy your first home after having children unless you are relying on some form of inheritance/gift from parents upon their retirement etc.

Purely and simply because less of your money is your own and it has to spread further after having children. Even if you were to say (after mat leave) that neither parent’s income decreases (so neither goes part time), that joint income suddenly has to also cover a £1500 a month nursery bill, or as children get older it has to cover after school clubs, school lunches, an extra human’s worth of clothes, uniforms, snacks, hobbies, christmas/birthday presents. For affordability purposes when you go to a mortgage provider they factor in that you have child/ren and that directly impacts how much they are willing to lend you.

It’s absolutely no judgement from me either way on renting or buying, some people prefer to rent and that’s their choice, my in laws live in a rented home and have never had any desire to buy because they like the fact that whenever something breaks they don’t have to fix it. But for someone that wants to buy rather than rent, it is in general easiest to save a deposit for a property & buy a property before having children because that is when you have the most disposable money, simply because at that time you have 2 adults and 2 incomes, rather than 2 adults 1/2 kids on 2 incomes.

@Mrsttcno1 but we ARE in the position to buy a place now whereas pre DDour income used to be much lower and couldn't. It's just a matter of what and where to buy.

It's all about what you personally value, what stage your family is in and what your kids are like. We live in a ground floor flat with a shared garden. The kids are in and out all summer and it is amazing to have that community around us and other kids all over the place. It wouldn't be the same with a private garden.

However now they're getting bigger we do want a bit more living space. More than one storey so we're not on top of each other, an extra bathroom. We are trying to find a semi detached in our neighbourhood to give us what we need as our kids grow. That will come with a private garden but to be honest that's a bit of a neutral point for me - the shared garden is perfect for kids. Parks are great too, much more for kids to do than your average suburban garden.

I wouldn't move out of our town because I place a high value on a low car lifestyle where the kids can get around independently. No lifts and we walk and cycle pretty much everywhere in our day to day lives. No chance I'd be giving that up for more space in a village and becoming a slave to the car, taxiing the kids here there and everywhere.

On balance it sounds like you'd be happier in town. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Nope. If you haveto rent, you have to rent. OPdoesnothave to rent, and can buy property for her daughter’s future. Choosingnot to is selfish

You're showing yourself to be very narrow minded @TheJanuaryPinks .

People have all kinds of different circumstances. Not everyone who rents is doing so because they 'have' to and crying a river that they're not a mighty homeowner 😁

We rent. Out of choice. Mind-blowing, I know.

We had a choice of buying a nice house in a nice enough area or renting a fantastic house in the best area. So we rent. It's not wasted money to us at all, we consider it an investment into our dc's future. We've essentially bought them a childhood dh and I could only have dreamed of at their ages.

We're bringing our dc up in a huge, beautiful 4 bed house with sea views and land, in catchment for the best school in the County. Our very sizeable cash fund which we didn't put towards a house purchase (which unfortunately wasn't enough to buy a similar house where we are) - is very wisely invested and added to and growing at circa 7 % a year.

In probably about 20 years, when dh and I are in our 50's, we'll buy a house in our lovely area for cash - a large 3 bed without the land, in the same area but when (obviously) school catchment isn't an issue and at least some dc will have fled the nest...so very affordable for us to do so and retire here. Our dc have their own investments in their names for their future.

No need to feel dreadful for our dc whose nasty parents refused to buy them a house 😂

Try opening your mind a bit and considering that not everyone is exactly the same as you.

@SurferTodayAndTomorrow a narrow mind is one of the worst things you can deal with, so frustrating. It's sad to see that even younger people are sometimes unable to see and understand different perspectives and the fact that people can follow different paths in life (and isn't this also part of the beauty of this world? Otherwise we'd all be living in the same way, how boring).

When I was a nanny for two very successful parents, they chose to live in a flat in the centre of the city. There was always something new (and free!) to do. Transport was fast and easy. Their parents had a 20 minute and 30 minute commute. Now they're teenagers, they're independent and don't need to be driven from place to place. There are lots of benefits. If you and your husband like living in the city I don't see a problem with buying a flat.

No, she isn't "literally" pissing money away unless she's shoving her money into a blender first and then drinking it.

The whole point of the OP is that the person in question is trying to buy. She doesn't need a lecture as to how terrible renting is.

Indeed. Gardens also mean neighbours outside all the time - especially during lockdown 😩

You don’t want to move out for a house so don’t.
We have stayed in Zone 2 and live in a flat. Only downside is then occasional comment about ‘so you own this or are you renting?’ (How rude)
and whether we have thought of moving out for more space.
Sometimes a raised eyebrow - only from certain parents- when dropping off for a play date. That’s it. Positives - lots of nice neighbours all around, feels safe to leave tween daughter home alone for extended periods of time because of close- knit community.
bery central and local to high street so never a problem having to pick daughters up in fear of a long solitary walk home after dark. Cheap heating bills. Quick to clean = More time for life in general.
Ignore the silly attitudes and fob them off with ‘well I’m European so…

&@Justdiscovered thank you❤️ so sad re the raised eyebrow, how can people be so stupid and judgemental? As long as someone’s home is clean and safe, what do you care if your kid’s friend live in a 2 bed flat or mansion? I don’t get it.

Hard choice, I think good schools are more important. Especially as you only have one child, I think it's less important to have a huge garden. More time with your family is important. Plus there's loads more to do in London.

I know someone with three children living in a small flat in Soho! It’s worth it for the good stuff on their doorstep, plus a two-minute walk to school and five minutes to her workplace.

You have to decide what is more important. Yes living in house with gardens is nice, but not if it means very long commutes and living in a not as nice area. Some times you can't have everything and there has to be compromises. If a short commute and a nice area is top of your list then a flat maybe a compromise. I am at the stage where I don't want long commutes and being stuck in traffic, so I am being very picky when looking at jobs.

@Islandgirl68 I suppose this is what I am struggling with, I see things from a different perspective every day, I really don’t know what to do :(
DH is also open to both options

It is really hard, we have a small house in a really nice area of a city, have always wanted to move to bigger house, but that means moving out of city or moving to part of city not so nice and leafy. So we like where we live, so small house. If yiu are not sure don't rush.

@Islandgirl68 it’s such a big decision, I just don’t know how to make up my mind. What will it take?

Sorry haven't RTFT. What's your long term plan? I want a house so I have an asset to hopefully pass onto DC. To me that's more why a house is important when having DC, plus the stability of having your own home to do with what you want, when you want

@Justfinking maybe I didn't write the post properly as a few people have misunderstood. We are looking to BUY a place, I just need to decide whether to buy a flat where we live now or a house elsewhere.