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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu regarding in laws??

140 replies

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:32

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:33

More than happy to give more examples and stories if you all want. As I really wanna hear opinions on that matter

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/01/2024 20:35

If you live ina 1 bedroom house how can they stay with you? Honestly tbey live 2hrs away, that isn't really a good idea for regular childcare. I would just do all nursery, honestly family doing childcare comes with problems

ellesbellesxxx · 07/01/2024 20:35

I would use nursery.. people staying with you for days at a time sounds very stressful and particularly they are tricky.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 07/01/2024 20:35

Can't see that working well. Are they planning on moving in full time if not going home Friday to Monday? In a one bedroom? Sounds like a nightmare. Find a nursery and ask them to help when LO is ill only.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 07/01/2024 20:36

Sometimes free (I assume) family childcare is just not worth it. Have a good long think before you go ahead with this plan.

Anoisagusaris · 07/01/2024 20:37

How did they and your mother all stay with you at the same time??

toastofthetown · 07/01/2024 20:39

If you aren't paying for childcare, you can't really dictate what they do when they care for your chid. You will have no way to stop them feeding your child with they like, and watching as much TV with your child as they like. Your partner is right, they are doing you a massive favour.

That aside, living two hours away means they can't realistically be your regular chid care. You sound like you don't have enough space for them to stay, you don't want them to stay and expecting them to do a four hour round trip three time per week is unreasonable and totally unsustainable.

Kangarude · 07/01/2024 20:41

A 1 bedroom place? Where does everyone sleep?
It won’t work as you’ll all be on top of each other constantly

SophieJo · 07/01/2024 20:41

toastofthetown · 07/01/2024 20:39

If you aren't paying for childcare, you can't really dictate what they do when they care for your chid. You will have no way to stop them feeding your child with they like, and watching as much TV with your child as they like. Your partner is right, they are doing you a massive favour.

That aside, living two hours away means they can't realistically be your regular chid care. You sound like you don't have enough space for them to stay, you don't want them to stay and expecting them to do a four hour round trip three time per week is unreasonable and totally unsustainable.

I agree.

JustMarriedBecca · 07/01/2024 20:41

We had a similar arrangement with my parents living a similar distance away and in a one bed flat.

We had a sofa bed and we slept in the lounge when my parents stayed. It was a faff but I knew we didn't want our DC in nursery 5 days a week from 7am-7pm.

We paid their travel to us and home on the train so we knew they were going and coming.

It's perfectly possible BUT you have to surrender control and trust them. That means when they have DC, they make the rules. If they want to do a class, great (and you pay for it). If they want to feed them out, great. If they want to put them before the TV because they're tired, that's ok. If you can't accept that, it won't work. They raised your husband and you married him. So it's either their way, or nursery.

JustMarriedBecca · 07/01/2024 20:43

P.S. my parents did two days a week on a regular basis.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:55

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/01/2024 20:35

If you live ina 1 bedroom house how can they stay with you? Honestly tbey live 2hrs away, that isn't really a good idea for regular childcare. I would just do all nursery, honestly family doing childcare comes with problems

The plan is to move in a 2 bedroom house. But still the way they are even if we were staying in a mansion it would still be suffocating for me the way they act. That's the thing if it was my family side there wouldn't even be a discussion or any problems..hence the frustration

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:56

ellesbellesxxx · 07/01/2024 20:35

I would use nursery.. people staying with you for days at a time sounds very stressful and particularly they are tricky.

Yes that is my preference as well,but partner is pushing for them to do childcare now for financial reasons,and because I think they are pushing for it as well.

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 07/01/2024 20:59

Don't do this. Don't. From what you have posted, it is never going to work and may well damage all your family relationships. Don't do it.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:00

Playdoughcaterpillar · 07/01/2024 20:35

Can't see that working well. Are they planning on moving in full time if not going home Friday to Monday? In a one bedroom? Sounds like a nightmare. Find a nursery and ask them to help when LO is ill only.

They would love for us to live all together to be honest. And the scariest part is that my partner wouldn't have a problem with that. We are planning to to move in a 2 bedroom. But that for me it's not gonna make much of difference,mentally. I am hoping for a nursery but it's so hard as well to find one.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 07/01/2024 21:01

Nursery all the way.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:03

Anoisagusaris · 07/01/2024 20:37

How did they and your mother all stay with you at the same time??

It was a nightmare. But they were fine with it. I was suffering with pain,mastitis and they were having the time of their lives taking photos with their grandchild. Lovely times.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 07/01/2024 21:08

@Sfk34 explain to your partner that whilst you might both save some money on nursery - your relationship will suffer and it’s better to just suck up the cost of nursery for now and have a better relationship between you both and a united front as a couple and then a healthier long term relationship with your in-laws.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:10

toastofthetown · 07/01/2024 20:39

If you aren't paying for childcare, you can't really dictate what they do when they care for your chid. You will have no way to stop them feeding your child with they like, and watching as much TV with your child as they like. Your partner is right, they are doing you a massive favour.

That aside, living two hours away means they can't realistically be your regular chid care. You sound like you don't have enough space for them to stay, you don't want them to stay and expecting them to do a four hour round trip three time per week is unreasonable and totally unsustainable.

Thank you for the reply,
This is where different backgrounds comes I guess. I never see it when my mom helps me as doing me a favour and I can tell her if I don't like something. And the same goes for my mom,she doesn't tell me I m doing you a favour so I will do whatever I want. Space wise we will be moving in a 2bedroom but I think that is irrelevant with my feelings. Also I m not expecting them to go back to their home every week,but every other week would be nice. But being with them 24/7 365,cause this is how it's going to be in the end I think it's too much.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2024 21:10

Ike others, I can't imagine how you, your dh, your mother, and your PiL all stayed together in a 1 bedroomed house at any time, let alone shortly after giving birth.

But there is no way I would consider having them come and stay with you 2, 3, or 4 nights a week. this is for anyone, in truth, but 100% not for people who make you feel uncomfortable.

I mean, I think your 'not having the TV on was somewhat OTT but if you are letting Grandparents look after your baby to save yourselves money, then you can't dictate details at that level. It is never going to work.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:11

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 07/01/2024 20:36

Sometimes free (I assume) family childcare is just not worth it. Have a good long think before you go ahead with this plan.

The last 2 months it's all I m thinking about,that at the end I think I will go crazy.

OP posts:
Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 07/01/2024 21:12

Free child care isn't worth losing your dh over.. Your marriage will be very over crowded of they stay op.

Hunkydory99 · 07/01/2024 21:13

Take it from someone who’s tried, family and childcare don’t mix. Don’t do it!

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:14

Kangarude · 07/01/2024 20:41

A 1 bedroom place? Where does everyone sleep?
It won’t work as you’ll all be on top of each other constantly

It would be 2 bedroom by then as plan to move. Also they don't care about the sleeping arrangements,as I mentioned on my post they go crazy and not thinking properly when it comes to LO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:19

JustMarriedBecca · 07/01/2024 20:41

We had a similar arrangement with my parents living a similar distance away and in a one bed flat.

We had a sofa bed and we slept in the lounge when my parents stayed. It was a faff but I knew we didn't want our DC in nursery 5 days a week from 7am-7pm.

We paid their travel to us and home on the train so we knew they were going and coming.

It's perfectly possible BUT you have to surrender control and trust them. That means when they have DC, they make the rules. If they want to do a class, great (and you pay for it). If they want to feed them out, great. If they want to put them before the TV because they're tired, that's ok. If you can't accept that, it won't work. They raised your husband and you married him. So it's either their way, or nursery.

The paying for stuff obviously we will be doing,also we would be doing a lot of the pick ups and drops offs if needed.
The control and the surrender is the difficult part for me,as I grew up very different. I have explained the situation about my mom to another message above. Yeah it comes to that their way or nursery..and it makes me sad cause if I had the opportunity of my mom helping there wouldn't be this ultimatum.

OP posts:
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