Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu regarding in laws??

140 replies

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:32

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 07/01/2024 21:53

Why is mil watching you breast feed and looking at your bare boobs.?
Can't you bf in the bedroom?

thelengthspeoplegoto · 07/01/2024 21:55

This sounds awful.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/01/2024 21:58

You need to get on some waiting lists for childcare so when it all falls apart you have childcare for your LO. I would not have the ILs move in for childcare, its a recipe for disaster.

Coconutter24 · 07/01/2024 22:03

Even if you move to a 2 bedroom house won’t your DD eventually need her own room? Would DH compromise and maybe agree to 1 day of family childcare so they only have to sleep over the night before you go to work, watch DD then go home when you return from work then 2 days in nursery.

Sockmate123 · 07/01/2024 22:04

Logistically though where does everyone sleep currently? Are your PIL's and Mum all sharing sofa in living room? That is beyond odd to me tbh. Extremely suffocating. I would do nursery even though I favour family minding the children but this situation just sounds unsustainable. A childminder would be a good alternative also.

Don't do this crazy arrangement. Let grandparents come to visit at weekends etc you need to find your own way as you establish your little family

Topee · 07/01/2024 22:05

They’re going to move in with you by stealth. You need to tell your husband how you feel and don’t back down. The resentment will kill your marriage if you don’t deal with this.

Noseybookworm · 07/01/2024 22:54

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:22

That's what I m scared you know. With their attitude ever since I gave birth I haven't been able to live my life as I want and they have soured a lot of my experiences and continuing to do so. I m keeping my mouth shut so not to cause trouble but I feel I m coming to the end of my patience.

Show quote history

You need to speak up and tell your partner that this arrangement is not going to work and that you will be using nursery/childminder for your little one. They live too far away to provide childcare on a regular basis and you do not want them living in your home. Be calm but very definite. If you keep quiet now you are only storing up more trouble for the future.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/01/2024 23:17

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:56

Yes that is my preference as well,but partner is pushing for them to do childcare now for financial reasons,and because I think they are pushing for it as well.

Show quote history

So you have a partner problem.

You & your partner are not on the same page when it comes to childcare. You probably should have had a discussion before the baby arrived so that any and all questions about what choice you (both of you) make could and should be shut down.

If you want paid childcare, get paid childcare. Your in-laws have no say in that and they can still be granny and grandpa when they visit (and stay elsewhere).

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 23:18

TheCatterall · 07/01/2024 21:08

@Sfk34 explain to your partner that whilst you might both save some money on nursery - your relationship will suffer and it’s better to just suck up the cost of nursery for now and have a better relationship between you both and a united front as a couple and then a healthier long term relationship with your in-laws.

Yes eventually the conversation will happen. And I will look as I always look at the end like the bad person. But as you are saying it has to be done if we want our relationship to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 23:30

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2024 21:10

Ike others, I can't imagine how you, your dh, your mother, and your PiL all stayed together in a 1 bedroomed house at any time, let alone shortly after giving birth.

But there is no way I would consider having them come and stay with you 2, 3, or 4 nights a week. this is for anyone, in truth, but 100% not for people who make you feel uncomfortable.

I mean, I think your 'not having the TV on was somewhat OTT but if you are letting Grandparents look after your baby to save yourselves money, then you can't dictate details at that level. It is never going to work.

It was as crazy and a nightmare as it sounds. And very traumatic for me. As for the TV and that incident it was more to do with the fact that we have a rule when the lo is eating no TV as we don't want him to learn this way and getting distracted so they wanted to feed him and I was ok with that but the TV was on and pretty loud so I asked them please no TV while he is eating. Apparently they were already planning to turn TV off though which obviously I didn't know so they took offence with me saying that. TV in general of course I cannot dictate but then again when you want us to visit you constantly to see LO then I would expect of you to engage with him in a lot of ways and not just have the TV on constantly. But then that's just me

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 07/01/2024 23:31

Anoisagusaris · 07/01/2024 20:37

How did they and your mother all stay with you at the same time??

This. In a one bedroom house? And your inlaws who you don't like are going to stay with you several days a week going forward and they have a 2 hour drive for the privilege? The whole thing is barmy. Your PFB watching TV is the least of your worries.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 23:33

ManyATrueWord · 07/01/2024 21:24

Don't do it. Free things are the most expensive and they will have you over a barrel for the next five years.

Yeah,that's what I don't want. To have it over me that they have helped us with childcare so they can have a say in our life and everything we do.

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 07/01/2024 23:38

Tell them to piss off

Poppyseed14 · 07/01/2024 23:42

Finlesswonder · 07/01/2024 23:38

Tell them to piss off

Yep, that could work too OP 🤷‍♀️

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 07/01/2024 23:46

It's not a good sign that your husband has no real idea of how badly his mother affected you. It's also not a good sign if he does know.

If money is an issue, could you use the 2-bed house money to pay for nursery for the next few years and then consider moving?

If money isn't an issue, it's a no-brainer and your husband needs to hear in the plainest of terms that it's nursery or divorce.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:37

curtaintwitcher78 · 07/01/2024 21:26

WHERE DID EVERYONE SLEEP?
When your mother visited and they stayed for 3 days, where did everyone sleep? I have to know.
You, your baby and husband in the bedroom? You mom and his parents all in the living room? Like seriously where??

My mom slept with us in the bedroom and the in laws in the living room. My mom was so uncomfortable,if she could leave she would have. I just wanted to die. My in laws were totally oblivious to all of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:39

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2024 21:32

Compromise on them doing two days? So they come down late monday night and do Tuesday and Wedensday then go home Wednesday evening?

Unfortunately there is no compromise. They want things their own way, otherwise we are being disrespectful

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:43

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/01/2024 21:36

You can’t have your cake and eat it. Free child care in the comfort of your own home or paid nursery but no interference from your in-laws.
i also wouldn’t be overly impressed by being told I can’t let the grandchild I am looking after to help you out , watch some television. They are grandparents not Butlins entertainers , give them a break.

I guess when you don't know all the facts it looks like having your cake and eat it situation. Which is definitely not the case here.There is interference and then there is too much interference. I have explained about the TV comment above to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:46

Karensalright · 07/01/2024 21:39

A grandma here this is absolute madness. It’s your baby, to rear how you see fit. But you cannot with obsessed grandparents in your space.

You are always going to be more bonded to your mum, and MIL will feel jealous but thats not your problem. You don't have to justify yourself in the early years to MIL

Find the strength to put your foot down and create the life you want in these early years with your child, and tell your partner how that will look, dont ask tell.

You cannot get those early years back.

Thank so much about that comment.
It means a lot to come from the pov of a grandparent.
And it makes me feel less like the bad person here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:49

Mazuslongtoenail · 07/01/2024 21:40

I don’t quite understand the bit about them staying after the childcare - when would you expect them to go home? When you’re back from work but they are doing more childcare the following day and would have to return? Or just at the end of their day until the next week?

Just at the end,till next week. Partner is off on Mondays,and I work Monday to Thursday. So every other week would expect of them to go back on Thursday so we can have our own time on our days off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:54

Allofaflutter · 07/01/2024 21:43

Stop just going along with stuff. Start being the person in charge. Your baby your rules etc. your oh won’t listen to you unless you make him realise that it’s you that he is married to. He sounds like he won’t upset is mum by saying no because he knows you won’t make a fuss. Start being the one that makes the biggest fuss, and no sex when you do so.

My whole life i have been a people pleaser at the expense of me and my mental health. And you are right I need to start changing that. Unfortunately he has some mom issues from when he was a young little boy that he would need therapy so it's a very delicate subject to always bring up 8n what I want which is contrary to the mom

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 00:57

star8 · 07/01/2024 21:43

I bet you they are south Asian. I say that as a South asian woman. He has not and will not cut the cord. Sons are enmeshed with their mothers.

Just say no. Your child your rules. It will only get worse and there will always be expectations

Yeap you got it. So whenever I say something I m hit with, this is how we do things,and it's normal for us. The cord was never cut and unfortunately for me I don't see it happening ever

OP posts:
Cantalever · 08/01/2024 01:01

Afford a nursery somehow OP - this will never work, and DH is kidding himself it will. Be firm now, and make arrangements to visit his parents regularly so they get to see and know your DC, but you don't have to have them in your home for much time. Make your boundaries clear now - it will be much harder later. But always appear to be "fair" about time spent between your DM and them with your DC.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:02

Dashel · 07/01/2024 21:45

I think if you and your DH aren’t very careful this is going to end in divorce. Both sets of parents need to go and you need to do this as a partnership and stand together.

It sounds like you are already resentful of him prioritising his parents and not you and he will argue his parents have as much as a right as your mum, so the best thing to do is start acting as a nuclear family and I would be honest that if he can’t do that, then the future doesn’t look good.

Yes,I have thought of that a lot the last couple of months. If it's worth it being in a situation like this. And yes you are quite right I am resentful of the fact I m so down the line of people priority wise. In my opinion parents are very important but when you make your own family your priorities might need changing. But thats just me and might be a bad person for thinking along these lines

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:06

MySlipperAddiction · 07/01/2024 21:46

You know this is not the right decision, do not use them for childcare. This is madness.

Stop staying silent especially to your partner. If he cannot put you first above his parents then this whole thing is doomed. You are the parent, you are not comfortable with his parents staying over and basically telling you what is best for your baby so find childcare. You do not want this bomb in your relationship and they won't even be going home each night you can't escape them.

They have soured special moments with your child. Your partner needs to hear this.

My Mum who was lovely, supportive and kind did provide childcare for my sister and it worked perfectly until she was suddenly very ill, unable to look after the children and died within a few months.

Definitely look at nursery or childminders.

Yeah I know and I m thinking of all these,but then I start doubting myself and asking am I too unreasonable and mean asking him to prioritise me before his parents? He needs to hear that and how traumatic it was for me,but then I m thinking do I want to make him feel bad and sad that his parents cause that to me? I m that kind of person unfortunately
I m so sorry for your mom.

OP posts: