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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu regarding in laws??

140 replies

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:32

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:09

PollyPut · 07/01/2024 21:47

how will you cope when they are ill? do they ever go on holiday?

you will have no cover if they are ill and need to take time off work

Thats something that we will have to consider when it will happen I guess.
They do their own things..used to anyway. Now it seems that all holidays have to be of all of us together,which don't get me started in this one as well.

OP posts:
Jamjaris · 08/01/2024 01:10

You tell your husband how having his parents stayed after the birth of your child affected your mental health, when he says that’s how we do things explain that it will tear you apart having them stay every week and how you can’t voice things to his parents as they take offence. Tell him that it will tear you two apart and that you will end up having a nervous breakdown, baby needs a mum not grandparents

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 08/01/2024 01:12

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:00

They would love for us to live all together to be honest. And the scariest part is that my partner wouldn't have a problem with that. We are planning to to move in a 2 bedroom. But that for me it's not gonna make much of difference,mentally. I am hoping for a nursery but it's so hard as well to find one.

Show quote history

The money you save by NOT moving will help towards nursery and tbh if you go ahead and move and this goes ahead I guarantee they'll be living with you full time within a couple of months and you'll be stuck!
Please stick to your guns if you can. I can see it being a disaster otherwise xx

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:13

GreatGateauxsby · 07/01/2024 21:47

2 hours drive each way is NUTS.
you and your DH need to start acting like grown ups and sort it out yourselves.

Get full time paid for childcare

If you don’t want to do that you’ll need to use annual leave, work condensed hours or go part time but ultimately you need to pay for some childcare.

Anything else is asking for trouble and you will have to put up and shut up.

Edited

Thanks for the reply,comes across a bit rude but I was expecting some comments like that anyway.

"If you don’t want to do that you’ll need to use annual leave, work condensed hours or go part time" these are all in my thoughts as well, but obviously all these require me to make even more changes to my life, so it's a lot to consider.

OP posts:
Cantalever · 08/01/2024 01:13

Of course you are not a bad person,. OP. Please stop thinking that way just because you have feelings and opinions that are not the same as others, and please don't let them pressurise you or use emotional blackmail on you about what is normal for them. What matters for you and your DC is what is normal for YOU - that takes priority as you are now the parent. I agree with the poster upthread who said that you and DH need to prioritise being a nuclear family and each other, not the parents' whims and wishes. This can be done on your terms - you just have to state them.
How did you ever get the idea that this makes you a bad person?

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:16

Greenpolkadot · 07/01/2024 21:53

Why is mil watching you breast feed and looking at your bare boobs.?
Can't you bf in the bedroom?

I was/am in the bedroom. She just wants to be a part of it I guess??
And to have an opinion if everything is I do it right if I need any help any input she just has no boundaries.
I now know the feeling if the poor animals in the zoo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:18

thelengthspeoplegoto · 07/01/2024 21:55

This sounds awful.

And these are not even the half of what is happening for the last 10 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 01:19

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/01/2024 21:58

You need to get on some waiting lists for childcare so when it all falls apart you have childcare for your LO. I would not have the ILs move in for childcare, its a recipe for disaster.

Already are,and I really hope I get the one at my work place but have to yo be prepared if the waiting list is long when I m due back to work

OP posts:
QueenBean22 · 08/01/2024 01:20

This sounds like hell. Can you afford nursery?

LouOver · 08/01/2024 01:34

Your DH has greatly let you down at the birth of your child OP, it doesn't get better from there. The small elements you have describes whilst may have cultural inclinations are still abusive. Do NOT even give this a try, set up nursery or childminding.

What your husband is doing I would put money on being premeditated to have you all living together full time. Once he gets them in 2 nights a week it will slowly go up.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/01/2024 01:35

Good Grief !

You had your mother sleeping in your bedroom with you, your husband and your baby, you have you mil in the bedroom watching you breastfeed !

Do you never get any privacy ?!!!

Get in touch with your local authority tomorrow and get the list of registered childminders / day nurseries in your area.

Then spend every minute you can finding out who has availability for you on the date you need it to start from, go and visit and get a feel of the people/place.

Then book it !

You, your husband and your child need to learn how to be a family, your family.

star8 · 08/01/2024 01:52

Might be time to have tough conversations with your husband.
It may be his culture or family ways however you have your own way of doing things. Please don't give them whatever they want. Clear strong boundaries need to be put up. Also you being from a different culture pits you in a greater position to fob them off. My non asian sil gets way with way more and does not have the same cultural expectations as my sils from same cultureZ Use this to your advantage. May be awkward at first but you will be thanked by your future you.

star8 · 08/01/2024 02:09

The thing is the mother is most likely making him feel bad however youbre the priority now. You must stand your ground. Alot of asian mothers, i mean older ones, will not let their sons move on and love independently and will use emotional blackmail as a tool for everything. If he says "but its my culture" again just say "well it isn't mine". End of. I suspect even after you let them run everything their way it is still bot enough.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 02:11

Thank you all so far for the comments.
To cover some things and get a better idea.
We live in a 1 bedroom somewhere in south London, planning to move in a 2 -3 bedroom in the next few months as soon as I settle back at work.
I am originally from a Mediterranean country and this is where all my family is.
I had discussed with my partner when we found out I was pregnant that I would like my mom to come for help just before I give birth and then to stay for a while after and he was fine with it. So she came 2 weeks before birth and then she stayed for 3 months (I can say for sure that if my mom could she would have gone earlier to let us be the 3 of us,but I admit I was selfish and wanted her with me,also she doesn't speak any English so she can't really fly by herself). Mom and my side of family don't see us and won't see us that often.
Mom was sleeping in the living room,we have an extra mattress,and when in PIL visiting she would be in the bedroom with us and them in the living room.
MIL thought that when my mom is gone she would be here weekly to help me.. PIL were not happy with me when I said through partner that I don't need the help and I want us to try ourselves.
LO is very mama's boy so I don't get any time for myself which is fine,I m ok with it,but if I need to do something clean cook, I need to put TV for him( it's a sore spot for me as I don't want him exposed at such young age and have a lot of guilt),both my family and PIL know about this and my request to not have TV on when there are so many people to entertain him. Mom and sister when I have been home always ask me is it ok to put something on for him,but is rare cause they just want to spend as much time with LO.(they do make fun of me say I m over the top but they still respect me) PIL want to see us every weekend cause they miss LO so much,and then when we visit or they visit, the TV and all the songs are on pretty much constantly and very loud,I mean I m sure there are other things that they can do with him right?? So I get frustrated that they don't listen sometimes to what I want. TV incident mentioned on my first post was because he was about to eat and I don't want distractions when he is eating,they were apparently going to turn TV off,which I didn't know,so it was a misunderstanding really,but it made it very clear to me that I have to be careful around them in what I do and say about my own child,which I don't think it's fair.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 08/01/2024 02:19

Nursery.. and stick to your guns on that. Grandparents to visit one weekend a month or whatever suits YOU...

If they come to stay for a week at a time, and you have two or more bedrooms, before long it will be 'we might as well move in and live with you until...' and 'until' will be 'forever'!

Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 02:19

Cantalever · 08/01/2024 01:13

Of course you are not a bad person,. OP. Please stop thinking that way just because you have feelings and opinions that are not the same as others, and please don't let them pressurise you or use emotional blackmail on you about what is normal for them. What matters for you and your DC is what is normal for YOU - that takes priority as you are now the parent. I agree with the poster upthread who said that you and DH need to prioritise being a nuclear family and each other, not the parents' whims and wishes. This can be done on your terms - you just have to state them.
How did you ever get the idea that this makes you a bad person?

Thank you,
Everytime we have discussions about the PIL in the end I feel like that. I got accused of my partner of not liking his mother and that it was upsetting for him,he thought about later and took it back while saying sorry. But that was enough to make me feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 02:20

QueenBean22 · 08/01/2024 01:20

This sounds like hell. Can you afford nursery?

I think we would be okayish with nursery. We would have to do some changes here and there but we should be able to make it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 02:24

LouOver · 08/01/2024 01:34

Your DH has greatly let you down at the birth of your child OP, it doesn't get better from there. The small elements you have describes whilst may have cultural inclinations are still abusive. Do NOT even give this a try, set up nursery or childminding.

What your husband is doing I would put money on being premeditated to have you all living together full time. Once he gets them in 2 nights a week it will slowly go up.

I have been thinking about that lately. The "abusive" part but then I m thinking that maybe my hormones are still running wild so I m overthinking some stuff.
That's why I m trying to start therapy again(stopped after the birth as I didn't have the time) just maybe to get help in seeing things again clearly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sfk34 · 08/01/2024 02:31

star8 · 08/01/2024 02:09

The thing is the mother is most likely making him feel bad however youbre the priority now. You must stand your ground. Alot of asian mothers, i mean older ones, will not let their sons move on and love independently and will use emotional blackmail as a tool for everything. If he says "but its my culture" again just say "well it isn't mine". End of. I suspect even after you let them run everything their way it is still bot enough.

I don't like when they use their culture on me so I try not to do that's as well. Maybe I should start doing it though,if I want to stay mentally well.
You know he had tried to warm me about Asian families but I thought that it can't be that bad,and also from where I am from it used to be like that in the past,so I thought it would be manageable. But I was so wrong.
Yes it true I have seen plenty of times the emotional blackmail,and have tried to tell him that but not much luck. I have suggested therapy for him as well cause I think it would be helpful but he is not very keen on it. And yes their way and still not enough

OP posts:
LonelynSad · 08/01/2024 02:43

No TV around a baby? WTH?! What on earth for? I think you've been watching too many horror films or something

LonelynSad · 08/01/2024 02:49

@Sfk34 Why does your DH's culture come first here? Why is his family's feelings more important than yours and your parents?

DPotter · 08/01/2024 02:53

You need to find your voice.

You don't have to be strident, rude or confrontational.

Just calm, measured and firm.

The more quiet you are the more, people will step on and over you.

So if MIL is watching you breastfed, ask her to leave the room, that you want some quiet time with your child. If comments are made about what you are dressing the baby in - well I'm his / her mother and I decide what he /she wears. As I say calm, measured & firm. You may have to repeat as necessary.

And the love of all things holy - don't move to a 2 bed place & don't let them pick up childcare. Nursery or childminder, or even a nanny. You will need to be firm with your DP - you don't want family living with you. You want to be your own small family.

And you will need to be really firm on the idea of ever sharing a home with the PILs. This is something you can not be quiet about and assume people will not push your boundaries - get your defence in first here. Oh and don't fall for the 'it's tradition in my culture' - you aren't married so your man has shown he's not that traditional.

Setting the scene on this will help with other attempts at your boundaries - get them up and established as soon as you can

LifeExperience · 08/01/2024 03:03

You are letting his culture decide how you live your life because you've put family peace over the well-being of you and your family unit. That needs to stop, because your child deserves better than a mom who is slowly losing her sanity because she's been forced into living with her controlling, overbearing MIL. What happens to your baby if your mental health suffers even more? You have to take care of yourself so that you can be a good mum. Put your foot down and stop the craziness. Do it for your baby.

Cantbelieveit101 · 08/01/2024 03:28

He wants to save money on nursery, but wants to move to a bigger place.... surely that would be more expensive!

Erdinger · 08/01/2024 03:31

I can’t get my head around 2 couples , 1 adult and 1 new born in a one bed …