Aibu regarding in laws??

[Sfk34]

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

Bloody hell. You have to tell DH to 'man up' when you are able to talk to each other without scrutiny. I assume normal interaction hasn't worked. I would suggest showing him this thread but he wouldn't recognise Oedipus if He bopped him on the nose and offered him a sharpened spoon to take his eye out. On the other hand, assume lack of your privacy has ensured no follow up bundle of joy and more grounds to entrench PILs further. No joke aside, you have to let him know how stressful this is for you. I'd be tempted to say how it was affecting breastfeeding but no doubt, MIL would be thrilled. Is there anywhere you can go for a break? I'm nowhere near SW London and it would be bonkers to go to a stranger with a baby but any family / friends?! I'm sure his family were expecting this sort of crap!

You really have to do anything so as NOT to depend on them.
They sound like the sort of people who would hold it over you for ever: "We do THIS for you...we do THAT for you..."

I would not have your inlaws do childcare for three days per week. Try having your LO in paid nursery care for one or two days to begin with and for your PIL to mind LO for one day only.
Whoever looks after your child will have to be happy following your guidelines on how much TV etc. You might be okay for the LO to have TV for one day per week.
It would be very stressful with your PIL; they seem stubborn.

P.s Sod the 'in my culture' malarkey; you're the babies mother and naturally, knows how to nurture!

@Sfk34 you need to sort this now or it will get worse. You are the mother. This is your child. Your feelings matter.
if you don’t want them watching TV- they don’t watch TV. If you are polite to your in laws then their emotions are not your responsibility.

i would have a stock phrase you use every time eg thanks for your feedback. Eg ‘no TV, thanks for supporting us with this.’ Then don’t really engage or just say ‘sorry you feel that way but no tv. Thanks for understanding’. Leave the situation.

you have a partner issue btw. Sit down and talk to him. Discuss boundaries and what feels acceptable to you both. Honestly don’t let these people take over your parenting and time with your child. You won’t get that time back and they don’t respect you. Use nursery and get some space.

@Sfk34 I 100% didn’t RTFT 😬 my bad.

i especially missed the south East Asian parent bit! The enmeshment is real. You have a (big) DH problem which has been left to drag on.

Re childcare it’s really difficult especially if your DH disagrees but you have to weigh up the trade offs work out what you want and push for that. Going back to work is hard and you need to be happy with childcare arrangements.

I'm biased as I my job cannot be made part time and so I needed FT care as I didn’t believe family could or would be available reliably and consistently (I stand by this and have examples now that back this view up to my DH) . They do provide most emergency care which I am happy with / has worked well.

But as a result we will be paying £4.5k pm from Jan next year for FT children care for 2 kids in London.
It’s beyond painful but it was my best available choice.

I think the positioning around nuclear families is not a bad suggestion. Also “broken record” technique where you use bland phrases on repeat to assert boundaries/shut down comments.

we had similar WAY less extreme issues with my in-laws vs my family. DH was very defensive of them and wanted everything equal like the baby was a cake being doled out. We eventually got to a place where he accepted fair isn’t equal or the same. But then again I went totally nuclear and DH knew it was a hill I’d die on for a strong offensive position early on…

you need a proper conversation with your DH about the future…

Just want to bump @DPotter and @LifeExperience to hopefully, underpin that you're not a loon and you need more support from (yuck) DH.

Your dh needs to be on your side over theirs or you'll just resent him. If you can afford a nursery then that has to be the best option

This sounds appalling OP. Agree with others you need to keep PILs out of childcare completely, else you'll never hear the end of it. And don't let your partner guilt-trip you about not liking his mother - maybe turn it around and ask him what his mother's actively done to make you like her? Invading your bedroom without your consent sure isn't it.

Oh and the TV would drive me bonkers. Never mind DC watching or not watching. Your ILs sound like the sort of people to have TV constantly blaring in the background and that would be a hard no in my house (and I actively avoid visiting any house where the hosts are so rude to prioritize TV over facilitating conversation with guests.) I think the remote needs to be hidden away on all further visits OP - just tell them it gives you a headache.

But, you are not the bad person here. If your DH is trying to pressure you to let his parents basically take over your life, you have a BIG DH problem.

I am not sure what culture says it's okay for parents to run over the mother like this, but you need to be strong, or it will affect your whole life and not in a good way. To me, it sounds like they will try to take over the baby and your DH, leaving you as the chief cook and bottle washer/maid.

Free childcare is never free, and the price of this childcare maybe too expensive to survive as a family unit yourselves.

I can almost imagine the next two years and what will happen with this if they "move in" for a week or two at a time.

I note that you say partner so you’re not married. Maybe use that as a ‘we are doing things our way’ example for your dp. And while we are at it, you are perfectly entitled to holiday alone with him and your baby. Whilst it isn’t your responsibility to cut the apron strings, if he refuses to put up boundaries with you, you will either be subsumed by his family and risk depression or you will split.

So, he had issues growing up with his mother, and now you and he want to subject your child to her? Do you see the folly in that? She will cause nothing but problems for your child and you. Don't be shocked when she starts to alienate your child from you,.

You may be a people pleaser, but you had better grow a backbone, or you will end up being on the sidelines with your own child, while DH's mother takes over everything as she pushes you out...and out...and out.

You may not fight for yourself but I hope you are willing to fight for your child.

I wish your DM could just move in with you all, as she at least sounds reasonable. If your PIL move in, they will not move out, you know that and they anticipate that.

And yes, I am a grandmother and what the PIL are pulling is disgusting and as I said in a previous post, I can almost write the next few chapters.

Re assumptions re culture (I have made the same). It comes down to the denigration of women and being re-embedded by those that were under the cosh in the first place.

And when they say that, YOU need to reply, "This is not how I do things. It is not your child and your ideas are not normal or agreeable to me. I am the mother and what I say goes concerning my child. My baby will be going to nursery, so your help with daily childcare is not needed, but thank you for offering. There is not room here, nor will there be room in the next house for all of us to live together. It's a house for the Mom, the Dad and the baby. That's it."

Then give your DP/DH, whatever he is a pair of scissors and tell him to feel free to cut the apron strings, as you are a family of THREE, not five.

Her family do not even live in the same country, so making the "time" between the two sets of grandparents "fair" will never happen.

Or, if she sees her family twice a year, they should then see PIL twice a year.
You're right, that would be the most fair to both families. It would definitely save the OP a world of pain, annoyance and heartache having his parents breathing down her neck.

Actually, you choose to be that kind of person. You are conflict avoidant and if you continue to be this way, you and your child are going to be the losers.

You not only need to tell him exactly how you feel, but what will happen if he doesn't make you a priority. The alternative is you being put out to pasture when your NVDH and his parents decide they can manage just fine and you already gave birth to "their child", so your job is done.

Sorry if you think this is harsh, but I am getting to the point where I can't believe you just have been taking this and not protecting your child, your privacy and your family. I am beginning to think your NVDH knew exactly what he was looking for when he met you, as did his parents.

So your DH is basically saying that if you use them for childcare they will move In?!

How will that work in a one bed house? It sounds completely impractical for them to be involved in childcare if they live two hours away, and I would be looking at other options.

Sorry OP, didn't RTFT and see your update about two bedrooms, but I still maintain you have to put some boundaries in place here otherwise your whole life (and your child's) will be smothered by your in laws.

YABU because it’s absolute madness that your in laws will stay with you in a one bedroom house for three days every week when you’re back at work! They’re too far away to help with nursery regularly in my opinion. Put little one in nursery for those three days instead.

Get childcare, not from them. You will regret it forever otherwise as they'll think you owe them (which you kind of will). It's never ever worth it!!

Haven't voted because your yanbu could be taken as asking if ywbu to try to make them do childcare on your terms. You can't do that.

Just stick to nursery. You can't have them staying overnight and they live too far away to provide reliable childcare. They can come on daytrips to visit on non-nursery days but relying on them fir childcare is a terrible idea when they live 2 hours away. It's a terrible idea anyway because when childcare is free you don't get to dictate how it's done and your mil clearly has very different ideas to you, but that doesn't have to be spelled out to her when the practical barriers are so high anyway.

That kind of childcare arrangement is unsustainable surely? Yes it's free, but at what cost?

The fact that they would have to stay over would take the in laws off the table as an option for me.

But where did they sleep in a one bedroom house? You, DH a baby and 3 other adults?

SIL had massive regular childcare help from PIL and many years on regrets the damage it caused to their relationship. There was certainly no special GP bond as the DC grew.
We paid for nursery and are beholden to no one. She is on call 24/7 now they are older and frail.
Pay for nursery.

Sorry- just seen your answer earlier to this. It sounds horrendous.

It's bizarre and you have a DH problem. You need to tell him straight that:

a) His parents are not staying over at your house- not this one ever, or the two bedroomed house anything other than very occasionally.
b) You are not ever going to live with them.

Then discuss nursery and insist on it.

Do not give in on any of the above. These people will have you living in their house before you know it and your life will never be your own.