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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu regarding in laws??

140 replies

Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 20:32

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/01/2024 21:21

So basically this arrangement means they will be living with you not just staying Monday evening to Friday morning?

Utterly crazy!!

Find a childminder or nursery and offer them to come and help when they are closed or DC too unwell to go which can be quite frequent tbh.

OhwhyOY · 07/01/2024 21:22

Your little one will need their own room at some point so even in a two bed you couldn't have them live permanently with you. Nursery all the way. Then when your child is older and at school they can help with school holidays and kid could go to them- if you want that.

Original poster
Sfk34 · 07/01/2024 21:22

nothingcomestonothing · 07/01/2024 20:59

Don't do this. Don't. From what you have posted, it is never going to work and may well damage all your family relationships. Don't do it.

That's what I m scared you know. With their attitude ever since I gave birth I haven't been able to live my life as I want and they have soured a lot of my experiences and continuing to do so. I m keeping my mouth shut so not to cause trouble but I feel I m coming to the end of my patience.

OP posts:
ManyATrueWord · 07/01/2024 21:24

Don't do it. Free things are the most expensive and they will have you over a barrel for the next five years.

Nevermind31 · 07/01/2024 21:26

You might need to say to your OH that you cannot have sex with his parents in the house…
if they don’t go in they will be living with you. Full time

curtaintwitcher78 · 07/01/2024 21:26

WHERE DID EVERYONE SLEEP?
When your mother visited and they stayed for 3 days, where did everyone sleep? I have to know.
You, your baby and husband in the bedroom? You mom and his parents all in the living room? Like seriously where??

ColleenDonaghy · 07/01/2024 21:27

They live two hours away and you have a 1 bed house. Clearly they can't provide regular childcare and you need nursery or a childminder.

Midwinter91 · 07/01/2024 21:27

The best option here is to not have them look after the baby, but to have him in a professional setting.

Azandme · 07/01/2024 21:29

Just no.

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2024 21:32

Compromise on them doing two days? So they come down late monday night and do Tuesday and Wedensday then go home Wednesday evening?

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/01/2024 21:36

You can’t have your cake and eat it. Free child care in the comfort of your own home or paid nursery but no interference from your in-laws.
i also wouldn’t be overly impressed by being told I can’t let the grandchild I am looking after to help you out , watch some television. They are grandparents not Butlins entertainers , give them a break.

shoesday · 07/01/2024 21:37

You can't have someone who lives TWO HOURS away doing the childcare. Where will they sleep when they stay at yours? This is utterly ridiculous. Just accept the childcare will cost you money. You could try and condense your hours so you only work 4 days a week? Or something like that. It's unsustainable and you will regret it.

shoesday · 07/01/2024 21:38

curtaintwitcher78 · 07/01/2024 21:26

WHERE DID EVERYONE SLEEP?
When your mother visited and they stayed for 3 days, where did everyone sleep? I have to know.
You, your baby and husband in the bedroom? You mom and his parents all in the living room? Like seriously where??

I'm wondering this too!

Karensalright · 07/01/2024 21:39

A grandma here this is absolute madness. It’s your baby, to rear how you see fit. But you cannot with obsessed grandparents in your space.

You are always going to be more bonded to your mum, and MIL will feel jealous but thats not your problem. You don't have to justify yourself in the early years to MIL

Find the strength to put your foot down and create the life you want in these early years with your child, and tell your partner how that will look, dont ask tell.

You cannot get those early years back.

Mazuslongtoenail · 07/01/2024 21:40

I don’t quite understand the bit about them staying after the childcare - when would you expect them to go home? When you’re back from work but they are doing more childcare the following day and would have to return? Or just at the end of their day until the next week?

crew2022 · 07/01/2024 21:42

Don't ask them to do childcare. Look at it from both perspectives they are doing you a favour so if you can't be flexible then say no Andy's pay for childcare and use them as occasional back up when the baby is sick etc. you really can't have other both ways.

Allofaflutter · 07/01/2024 21:43

Stop just going along with stuff. Start being the person in charge. Your baby your rules etc. your oh won’t listen to you unless you make him realise that it’s you that he is married to. He sounds like he won’t upset is mum by saying no because he knows you won’t make a fuss. Start being the one that makes the biggest fuss, and no sex when you do so.

star8 · 07/01/2024 21:43

I bet you they are south Asian. I say that as a South asian woman. He has not and will not cut the cord. Sons are enmeshed with their mothers.

Just say no. Your child your rules. It will only get worse and there will always be expectations

Dashel · 07/01/2024 21:45

I think if you and your DH aren’t very careful this is going to end in divorce. Both sets of parents need to go and you need to do this as a partnership and stand together.

It sounds like you are already resentful of him prioritising his parents and not you and he will argue his parents have as much as a right as your mum, so the best thing to do is start acting as a nuclear family and I would be honest that if he can’t do that, then the future doesn’t look good.

MySlipperAddiction · 07/01/2024 21:46

You know this is not the right decision, do not use them for childcare. This is madness.

Stop staying silent especially to your partner. If he cannot put you first above his parents then this whole thing is doomed. You are the parent, you are not comfortable with his parents staying over and basically telling you what is best for your baby so find childcare. You do not want this bomb in your relationship and they won't even be going home each night you can't escape them.

They have soured special moments with your child. Your partner needs to hear this.

My Mum who was lovely, supportive and kind did provide childcare for my sister and it worked perfectly until she was suddenly very ill, unable to look after the children and died within a few months.

Definitely look at nursery or childminders.

PollyPut · 07/01/2024 21:47

how will you cope when they are ill? do they ever go on holiday?

you will have no cover if they are ill and need to take time off work

GreatGateauxsby · 07/01/2024 21:47

2 hours drive each way is NUTS.
you and your DH need to start acting like grown ups and sort it out yourselves.

Get full time paid for childcare

If you don’t want to do that you’ll need to use annual leave, work condensed hours or go part time but ultimately you need to pay for some childcare.

Anything else is asking for trouble and you will have to put up and shut up.

MuggleMe · 07/01/2024 21:48

Stop this before it gets too late. You'll end up feeling suffocated, your wishes ignored, being let down and wishing you'd found a nursery and they could take baby for a day here and there. And visit on the weekend so they can have a proper grandchild grandparent relationship

Doublerainbow23 · 07/01/2024 21:49

You'd be absolutely bonkers to do this OP. They will soon be living with you (as travelling back and forth will get boring very quickly, and they'd save themselves paying for a house!). Then when your marriage breaks down will they be moving out with your DH? Can't see that happening, so you'd have to leave.

Nuts idea.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/01/2024 21:51

Nope wouldn’t be happening

the child goes to nursery and both sets of parents can visit once a month different weekend, after all if mil was jealous of your mother then I would be telling your other half it’s only fair that you treat them both the same, and it’s only fair you all get to bond as a family of three the other weekends