Aibu regarding in laws??

[Sfk34]

Sorry in advance veryyy long post...but I m kinda loosing my mind over it
Me and partner have a 10month old baby..first grandchild for both sides..everyone is super excited and going a bit crazy in regards to him. Me and partner from different cultural backgrounds.
Anyway..
My maternity will end soon and we are planning about me going back to work and all the logistics. Nursery was always one of our plans,and then in laws to help. I had agreed with that but that was before knowing what they are like.
Some examples... We live in a 1bedroom kinda smallish house..my mom who lives abroad,came here just before I gave birth and stayed with us for a couple of months to help us for the beginning.
(Which I found out later,it was a very sore subject for MIL,and she was/is jealous about the fact and shows it in comments about my mom till now). So 3 days post partum the in laws visited us and stayed for 3 days,I almost lost my mind with all the inconvenience they caused and the struggles I had at the time,(baby jaundice in out of hospital,tongue tie)but couldn't say much cause my mom was here and like her they wanted to see their grandchild so I was being unreasonable.
MIL always wants to know everything,has an opinion about everything regarding lo,is obsessed with me breastfeeding and if I have enough milk even to this day( which cause a lot of self doubts about my breastfeeding, just to say that I have depression/anxiety and on medication),always watching me when breastfeeding and had my boobs out.
I have to be careful what I say and how I say it with them even when it's regarding my child so they don't get offended.
Last example I told them please no TV with LO and they got upset cause I made them feel stupid?? And they went and complained to my partner. And many more..
Now to the looking after LO when I go back to work..we live 2 hours from each other. So they would have to stay with us while looking after him which is fair enough,but then I would expect them to go to their home when I won't be working. (They would be needed for Tuesday Wednesday Thursday,as the other days we are off,so ideally for me some weeks I would want them to go to their home,so we can be just us after that) and my partner says that I can't ask that of them when they are doing us a favour looking after him,and it's not right. So am I being unreasonable??
My mom,will of course say her own things as well about LO but if I say that's how I want it to be done she will respect me and not say anything on the matter. Also she would be the one saying I can look after LO when you need me but I don't want to be staying anymore than that so you as a couple family can be by yourselves. And that's why I see and think like that. So AIBU????
Thanks if you made it that far

Agree with others see if you can find a child minder they are often cheaper it’s a nightmare using family and it will end up being more of an inconvenience in the long term

Sounds like a not very stealth move by you DP and inlaws to get you all living together.
If they don't plan to go home between child care days ..then how long before they sell their house and lo and behold you are all living together.min what your mil will see as "her" house and thus "her" rules go...

This is not going to work! If they annoy you know it is going to be so so much worse when they look after your LO more regularly. I think you should look into a childminder. It doesnt have to be family OR nursery, our LO sees his childminder the same as he would an aunty.

FGS, dis-entwineyourselves from them! Why the actual f would you be wanting them to do any childcare??? This is madness. Use a nursery. You’ll seriously regret it if you don’t.

*dis-entwine yourselves

Clearly you do not have the room in the first place. If they're travelling to look after your little one and in turn they'll be missing out on social things locally where they live, then it does seem a bit mean to just kick them out when you don't need them, as they're doing you a massive favour. However, this is clearly going to cause a lot of tension and alongside possible different parenting views, I think the best thing would be nursery with a view to seeing them regularly/meeting up midway - you don't always have to go!

You need to say a very firm no.

They are not staying over to do childcare. If they want to do childcare they will need to move close enough to come for the day.

They are not living with us EVER not even 3 days a week.

This really is a marriage hill worth dying on.

When the culture thing is raised you should say that your culture is equally important AND you all live in the UK and it is not normal here either.

With any relationship it’s about expectations and boundaries. Cultural differences - even between two people from the same back ground never mind different cultures is always going to cause tension when it comes to family life and children. Tbh this is now the time you lay your cards on the table regarding everyone- at the moment it’s my mum and my mil and my DH tbh you are going to have to start saying - No that won’t work for me- I can’t do that- or even I don’t want that.
And I say that as someone who is in a mixed race and mixed cultural marriage - lay down your new familiar expectations-

Nursery is your best bet and yes it will be expensive and it will cost a lot but the cost to your stress levels, your relationship with your partner, mum and in laws will be forever tested.
Free child care means you cannot dictate - they will have to stay- who needs that. Don’t let your parent/ DH or in laws / mum whoever rail road you into a situation that long term will never work.

The above scenario is your worst case, one of us is seriously ill, something has happened I need emergency child care for two weeks tops- anything else is a nightmare situation-
Sorry to be so blunt

Excuse the name! Not aimed at you always my in laws 😂

You want the free childcare but don't want the upheaval of them staying with you. I understand that. But it just won't work.

I suspect your ILs will never be satisfied with how you do things so stop worrying about how it all looks and just do what you need to do. If you stick with this insane, toxic plan, you are on a fast-track to divorce. Sorry. But you need to take this seriously.

Stay in your 1 bedroom flat. This will save lots of money and prevent your ILs moving in.

Find a childminder or nursery. Your child will benefit from the social activities with other children, learning to turn-take, share, etc. Not always being the centre of attention. And not always watching TV.

Remind your DH that he chose you as his DW, not his mother. He owes you respect and care. It’s his duty to protect his (nuclear) family - that’s you and DC now.

Good luck

I beg you, for your own mental health stand your ground and go with the nursery option.
If you give in to their demands as sure as the sun is going to come up tomorrow you will be living with them at some time in the future 😱

childcare doesn't work like that. You need to know what will happen when your main childcare provided is ill. That is why people often choose a nursery instead of a nanny - as a nursery has plenty of staff so one person's illness doesn't force them to close childcare

OP, I think the crux of the issue lies with you and your husband agreeing how decisions are made.

Both you and your husband are in one family unit. Each of you are also in separate family units with your birth families. It sounds like you and your birth family are happy for him to be a welcome visitor to this unit, but your husband wants your and his unit to be disbanded and absorbed into his birth family unit - which is something you don't want.

I think you need to have an open discussion about this and set boundaries. I expect even if you do this, the pressure and expectation from the in-laws and maybe him won't subside, however, your husband's expectations about the future holds will moderate his expectations.

Like you, I was a people pleaser, but having children changed that. My children needed a happy and confident mum and I was not willing to compromise that to suit other people. Living with your in-laws won't be healthy for you by the sounds of it. This doesn't need to be about who they are or what they do, it's as simple as you only living with the person you chose to commit to and not his wider family (who you didn't commit to). It doesn't matter what you thought would work prior to having children. Having children is life changing and changes our outlook and perspective.

You and your husband need to after a way forward. You are taking his parents living with you off the table, so together you need to make a different plan.

Would staying in your current home reduce the mortgage payments, that then offset nursery costs? Moving to a house to accommodate his parents isn't necessarily saving as much money as thought? Either way, your mental health is a lot more valuable than money!

OP you are acting like such a victim in your post and replies to people, as if you weren’t an active agent in deciding to have a baby and also invite two sides of in laws to stay in a 1 bedroom house. The grandparents are all just trying to help and obviously putting their own discomfort aside agreeing to a horrible lifestyle to help with the baby. Grow up, stop whining and go look for a decent nursery for your child.