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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking my boys into female toilets

289 replies

Fredablogs · 07/01/2024 12:06

They are 7, 4 and 2. I have noticed a few looks when I take them into the female loo. Am I supposed to leave the oldest outside? Or send him to the gents on his own, although he wouldn't as he is pretty much scared of everything.. ?? What is the etiquette please

OP posts:
N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:06

If hearing pads is such an issue flush the chain, it’s such a non issue compared to safety. First periods aren't heavy so I doubt very much if 10 year old girls are out there in their hoards changing pads with 10 year old boys pressed up to the door listening.🙄

AvengedQuince · 08/01/2024 20:12

@N0ugatinna

It's the worry, the anxiety. If you keep flushing then you might worry that people would think you'd blocked the loo. It's difficult enough being a girl.

N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:15

Well frankly compared to what my son has been through it’s so not a big deal.

I think most girls would prefer their male friends and brothers were safe.

AvengedQuince · 08/01/2024 20:53

N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:15

Well frankly compared to what my son has been through it’s so not a big deal.

I think most girls would prefer their male friends and brothers were safe.

I'm sorry for what happened to your son. However, I still believe there need be a cut off at some point. My DS was small, prepubescent, and physically vulnerable to adult males at 13. It would not have been at all appropriate for him to be in the women's.

N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:57

You safeguard your own child, nobody has the right to tell other people how to safeguard when every child, situation and circumstances differ.

pinkstripeycat · 08/01/2024 21:14

apronbellybarbie · Yesterday 12:12

My friend allows her 12 year old son to go into the women's toilets alone instead of using the men's (because she does not think the men's is safe for him) and IMO this is just wrong and a breach of female privacy.

Don’t be ridiculous! Trans woman are allowed in women’s toilets. THAT’S a breach of female policy.

A few years ago a 14yr old boy was raped in the men’s toilets in the Trafford Centre. What would you rather apronbellybarbie? 12 yr old BOY (a child) in the ladies where doors are closed and he can see nothing or raped in the men’s!!!

Sartre · 08/01/2024 21:15

I stopped taking DS in when he was about 8.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/01/2024 21:19

My school toilets were mixed sex for y4& 5 (with open urinal near the door) and the y6&7s had seperate toilets upstairs.

I'd expect boys to transition using male facilities through the junior school years. First using smaller facilities at more restricted venues, and phasing up to larger, public, unknown venues towards the older end.

Yesterday my 10yo nearly followed me into a women's toilet at a busy service station that we're unfamilar with. We were talking and distracted, and he suddenly twigged that he was surrounded by females, turned around and headed to the mens opposite of his own accord. A year or two earlier, he would have stayed with me in that environment but used men's most of the time by then. I doubt he would have made anyone panic, he's frequently "misgendered". Generally he gets on with it, but there are some park toilets where I loiter right by the door if he's on his own.

We had an awkward moment on a campsite when he was 6 and became in need of assistance on the toilet and I had to enter the men's to help him (with clearence from the cleaner who happened to be there). He had chosen to use it himself but got caught out. He had started going in a pair with his autistic older brother at about 6. With undiagnosed autism and a younger sibling, DS1 started using mens toilets from 8, so slightly older.

It's a phasing and situational thing depending on the child and the environment, not a universal abstract cut off age where all children are ready all of the time at the same point.

jannier · 08/01/2024 22:33

N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:06

If hearing pads is such an issue flush the chain, it’s such a non issue compared to safety. First periods aren't heavy so I doubt very much if 10 year old girls are out there in their hoards changing pads with 10 year old boys pressed up to the door listening.🙄

First periods can be very heavy I leaked through to my chair at school in juniors

Tabithasettles · 08/01/2024 22:59

N0ugatinna · 08/01/2024 20:06

If hearing pads is such an issue flush the chain, it’s such a non issue compared to safety. First periods aren't heavy so I doubt very much if 10 year old girls are out there in their hoards changing pads with 10 year old boys pressed up to the door listening.🙄

And there is far less shame around it now. My DS has been aware of menstruation from an early age. I have always been very matter of fact about it. The girls at his school talk about it all openly. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I really hope this next generation of girls don’t feel the shame we were made to feel.

BreakingAndBroke · 08/01/2024 23:21

My oldest is 6, and the venue and his mood dictates whether I take him into the ladies with me or let him go in the gents by himself. Supermarket - in with me. Small cafe where I can see the door and know nobody else has gone in or out for the last 30 minutes - in the gents. Also, how DS feels on the day. Sometimes he is super confident and wants to go it alone other times he is more nervous or clingy and wants to stay with me. Use your judgement, and forget about anyone else's.

LondonerLassy · 08/01/2024 23:58

Difficult isn't it as it can sadly be how they appear to others aswell. I have a very tall boy. Head and shoulders above classmates. How do you guess the age of the child in the womans toilet, you can't. He may get told he's too old and his friends might get told they're fine. I don't mind young boys in the womans toilet personally.

Yayayyay · 09/01/2024 05:59

AvengedQuince · 08/01/2024 19:36

A 10 year old girl may not want a similar age boy to hear her changing her pad. What age would you draw the line? My DS still looked prepubescent and only hit 5ft after turning 13.

A little boy should risk being attacked in the men's toilets just because a girl doesn't want a prepubescent boy potentially hearing her open a pad? And how many little boys know what that sound is? L

Obviously a 13 year old boy isn't prepubescent even if he looks it. That's such a silly thing to say. His mind won't be as innocent as a 9 year old. Year 6 boys and above should be in the men's toilets but should be made aware of dangers. Boys slightly younger than this are fine in the men's toilets if more than one go in together.

AvengedQuince · 09/01/2024 06:03

13 year old boy isn't prepubescent even if he looks it. That's such a silly thing to say.

No it's not, it's normal for boys to start puberty up to 14.

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