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Original poster

Leaving 10 year son in cafes

132 replies

shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 10:28

What do people think about this? Do you leave your 10 year olds alone in cafes for an hour+ at a time, with no phone or means to contact you, or anyone. In a large city, not a village cafe where everyone knows you and your family.

Children's dad has them every other weekend for daytime contact only, and once during the week after school. There is an ongoing family court case which has currently stopped overnight contact due to concerns based about neglect. Part of which was based on him leaving 10 year old who has ADHD and waiting for autism assessment, alone in the caravan he lives in.

He is now leaving our son in cafes when he has him. He gives him an ipad and he plays games and watches Youtube videos on his own. He's mentioned it a few times and I've asked my son if he's ok with it, but he's the sort of boy who masks a lot and he just says things like, "well i can talk to my friends on Discord so its fine" but it does seem to be bothering him. He has ADHD so being allowed to game without boundaries is a massive draw for him, almost like an addiction, he can't see through. When i asked him the last time before he left to be with him if he was ok with being left alone in different cafes, he burst into tears and said "Why doesn't daddy want me around?". To highlight I only ever ask casually and say things like can you order your own food and drink if you're hungry, and make a joke about how cool is that.

I suppose my question is firstly is this safe? I would never dream of doing it, but I hardly ever leave him alone at home and if I do only for maximum half an hour whilst I nip to the shops, and always in daytime. He's been leaving him for hours, and also in the dark, 4-6pm after school last week....Whilst he goes and does stuff with the younger one...He is also quite immature for his age, and very innocent, easily led, a dopamine miner (ADHD, autism).. I just dont feel comfortable but before I try and face this latest issue I just want to know what other parents think?

OP posts:
mogsrus · 07/01/2024 10:34

Leaving a vulnerable child on his own, & you ask if it’s safe? yes it’s as safe as a pit of snakes. Doesn’t take long to lead a vulnerable person out of a room & vanish, like it’s never seen on national news or anything. This is not safe by any sane person

DuckDuckGoose23 · 07/01/2024 10:42

I wouldn’t do this with a 10 year old (especially one who has no means of contacting his parent if there’s a problem, is vulnerable/immature, and who is uncomfortable with doing it).
He’s probably not in much danger (although there are definitely risks, especially if he’s naive or finds it difficult to make decisions/think through consequences, which is common for all 10 year olds and especially those with ADHD), but it sounds like he’s feeling a bit abandoned and rejected just being left to sit in a cafe whilst his dad goes off and does his own thing.

I’d say that at that age it’s probably not even really safe to leave him alone for half an hour to pop to the shops if he’s impulsive or more immature than other children his age due to his ADHD and autism.

FatFemale · 07/01/2024 10:51

Whats he doing with the little one thst the 10 year old cannot be part of? Poor kid. I have a 10 year old thats very confident but theres no way in hell id leave him for an hour. Oh crikey op. At least get him a phone so he can call you anytime/location tracker on.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 07/01/2024 10:54

I wouldn't send him if this was happening and would happily be taken back to court.

As a standalone thing it's not necessarily a problem but with all the background it's just continued neglect. Why is he being left in a cafe? Where's his dad going?

Caerulea · 07/01/2024 10:55

No, it's not ok. Imo not even for a child without the extra difficulties & clearly your son does feel abandoned.

Do ppl do it, though? Yes. Used to have an older lad dropped at DHs café who was non verbal & visibly vulnerable. They'd just leave him with his tech & earphones without a word to us & just sod off to the beach. I wouldn't have minded so much if they'd let us know the best ways to communicate with him or what things he was sensitive to but they just dump & run. Incredibly sad

LenaLamont · 07/01/2024 10:57

At 10 he shouldn’t even be on Discord unsupervised.

That issue aside, your ex is neglecting your son.

brainworms · 07/01/2024 10:57

I'm baffled as to what could possibly be more important than actually being with his son during the alloted time, that he has to be left alone in a cafe?

margotrose · 07/01/2024 10:58

If your child was NT, had access to a phone, knew where their parents would be and was confident being left, that would be one thing.

But none of those things apply here and your ex is clearly being neglectful.

zigzag716746zigzag · 07/01/2024 10:58

It depends on how severe his ADHD and Autism are really. I would happily describe myself as a helicopter parent, but at age 10 mine were popping to the cafe with friends in between school and swimming lesson. It took some getting used to for me, but it helped build their sense of independence and their confidence.

Seems like one simple mitigation would be to get him a phone so he can contact you or his dad if he needs to. Although, is there a reason he couldn’t contact people from the iPad? He’s already chatting with his friends on Discord from what you say.

Anjea · 07/01/2024 11:00

No

Icequeen01 · 07/01/2024 11:05

Absolutely not. To be honest I'm surprised someone in the cafe hasn't called the police if they see a child of 10 sat there on their own for that long!

Original poster
shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 11:07

yeah, that was another thing, Discord and 10 year olds. Havent had a proper chance to research it. @LenaLamont He doesn't really game at home (maybe half an hour of Roblox) and doesnt have Discord.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 07/01/2024 11:08

Wth is he doing whilst leaving his kid? Go and get a statement from the cafe owner to show the judge

ZenNudist · 07/01/2024 11:10

This is neglect. I've left my nearly 10yo home once with 13yo brother and ww3 broke out. Plus 13yo had phone to contact us that nearly 10yo can also unlock with his face being similar.

10 is too young to be out in public unsupervised. Maybe 11 for short bursts on way to school and back or at home for an hour but with a phone. Not in a cafe alone. We get warnings from school when kids in the area report people approaching them in public trying to get them to come with them. It happens

Don't let your ds out with your ex. Get him a phone for communication. It doesn't need to be smart one. Talk to him to make sure he's really well versed in stranger danger. Ruses like "your mum sent me to pick you up". That kind of thing.

liveforsummer · 07/01/2024 11:13

I'd leave a 10 year old in a caravan with an iPad but not in a cafe - no way! Surprised the former was considered neglect but the latter isn't or was he leaving him over night ?

Regrepo · 07/01/2024 11:13

shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 11:07

yeah, that was another thing, Discord and 10 year olds. Havent had a proper chance to research it. @LenaLamont He doesn't really game at home (maybe half an hour of Roblox) and doesnt have Discord.

is he talking to real life friend or strangers on it? It’s essentially a way to join various different Chatrooms and it’s suppose to be for 13+

he should not be left in a cafe unsupervised or on discord

liveforsummer · 07/01/2024 11:15

zigzag716746zigzag · 07/01/2024 10:58

It depends on how severe his ADHD and Autism are really. I would happily describe myself as a helicopter parent, but at age 10 mine were popping to the cafe with friends in between school and swimming lesson. It took some getting used to for me, but it helped build their sense of independence and their confidence.

Seems like one simple mitigation would be to get him a phone so he can contact you or his dad if he needs to. Although, is there a reason he couldn’t contact people from the iPad? He’s already chatting with his friends on Discord from what you say.

Popping to a cafe with friends is very different to sitting there alone for a considerable length of time though.

Natsku · 07/01/2024 11:17

Leaving an average 10 year old in a cafe for an hour or so, if they are happy about it, absolutely fine. Leaving a 10 year old with additional difficulties who quite likely isn't happy about it, and leaving them unsupervised on discord, is not fine.

Original poster
shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 11:17

@zigzag716746zigzag I agree, and he does walk to school and back on his own, meets friends on the way, and walks to friends houses, and goes to tiny little patch of grass 100 metres from our house with his younger brother. Im all about building independence as am an 80s child and we played out all the time and noone knew where we were. But the issue is solo sitting in a cafe, if someone saw he was alone and came up and pinched the ipad im not sure how he'd handle that

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 07/01/2024 11:19

Leaving son at the table while he orders at the cafe is fine but what you describe is neglect. If he doesn’t want contact with ds then he should tell you so that you can look after him instead.

premiur · 07/01/2024 11:20

I think him being alone in a public place whilst accessing discord is a bigger concern than how he would handle someone taking his iPad.

Have you spoken to him about internet safety? A vulnerable 10 year old could be talking to anyone where is is and that his dad has gone off somewhere.

I would be horrified and no way would I send him back for this to happen again.

Quitelikeit · 07/01/2024 11:21

Where is the father going though? Why can’t he take the 10 yo?

how often is he doing it?

im surprised a cafe owner would allow this

AyeRightYeAre · 07/01/2024 11:21

My daughter and her friends have gone to cafes since they were 10 but with each other and with phones. All sensible and NT.

Add that your son is immature with other vulnerabilities it doesn't sound like a good idea.

DragonFly98 · 07/01/2024 11:23

ZenNudist · 07/01/2024 11:10

This is neglect. I've left my nearly 10yo home once with 13yo brother and ww3 broke out. Plus 13yo had phone to contact us that nearly 10yo can also unlock with his face being similar.

10 is too young to be out in public unsupervised. Maybe 11 for short bursts on way to school and back or at home for an hour but with a phone. Not in a cafe alone. We get warnings from school when kids in the area report people approaching them in public trying to get them to come with them. It happens

Don't let your ds out with your ex. Get him a phone for communication. It doesn't need to be smart one. Talk to him to make sure he's really well versed in stranger danger. Ruses like "your mum sent me to pick you up". That kind of thing.

Many schools allow year 3's to walk home alone from school so age 7 plus. Not letting children until age 11 is ridiculous.

Faceache45 · 07/01/2024 11:23

It's not something I would do. Is there a way he can have 1:1 time with the kids without leaving one in the cafe for hours? Does he want 1:1 time with the 10 Year old or just the younger 1.