Leaving 10 year son in cafes

[shineyhappypeople78]

What do people think about this? Do you leave your 10 year olds alone in cafes for an hour+ at a time, with no phone or means to contact you, or anyone. In a large city, not a village cafe where everyone knows you and your family.

Children's dad has them every other weekend for daytime contact only, and once during the week after school. There is an ongoing family court case which has currently stopped overnight contact due to concerns based about neglect. Part of which was based on him leaving 10 year old who has ADHD and waiting for autism assessment, alone in the caravan he lives in.

He is now leaving our son in cafes when he has him. He gives him an ipad and he plays games and watches Youtube videos on his own. He's mentioned it a few times and I've asked my son if he's ok with it, but he's the sort of boy who masks a lot and he just says things like, "well i can talk to my friends on Discord so its fine" but it does seem to be bothering him. He has ADHD so being allowed to game without boundaries is a massive draw for him, almost like an addiction, he can't see through. When i asked him the last time before he left to be with him if he was ok with being left alone in different cafes, he burst into tears and said "Why doesn't daddy want me around?". To highlight I only ever ask casually and say things like can you order your own food and drink if you're hungry, and make a joke about how cool is that.

I suppose my question is firstly is this safe? I would never dream of doing it, but I hardly ever leave him alone at home and if I do only for maximum half an hour whilst I nip to the shops, and always in daytime. He's been leaving him for hours, and also in the dark, 4-6pm after school last week....Whilst he goes and does stuff with the younger one...He is also quite immature for his age, and very innocent, easily led, a dopamine miner (ADHD, autism).. I just dont feel comfortable but before I try and face this latest issue I just want to know what other parents think?

Do you seriously need to ask if this is on?

I was replying specifically to the poster saying a ten year old should never be alone in public and giving an example of when it was ok.
I don't think dumping a ten year old in a cafe is ok no.

I can't get over you repeating that your son wouldn't know what to do if someone stole his iPad as if that's the real risk to him here.

He is at serious risk of being groomed, online, over time and a 10 year old with ADHD can very easily give details which could put them in serious danger.

I would worry less about returning to no iPad and ask yourself if you are willing to find out your ex goes back to no child.

That's the real risk here

Absolutely no way. My DA is about to turn 11 and still no.

DS sorry.

Sorry but I'd refuse to let the dad have the children if he does this, it's neglect!

hahaha @premiur I can see how you've interpreted that but that's not my main concern at all. Its father's ipad, I couldn't give a monkey's chuff what happens to it!!! It was said as a much much much more likely daily occurance than the grooming, peadophile, serial killer one - but that is not saying I don't think they're an issue - I 100% to do think that is an issue but I said the ipad as its much more likely that a group of teenagers would run up and grab it and nick it in a city centre cafe and I 100% know he would not know what to do, and would panic and be scarred for life. A random drunk bloke came up to me last month and started mouthing off at me when I had my children with me, my son completely broke down and would not leave the house for a week or so. He was petrified.

If he’s walking to school on his own and goes out with friends too I don’t think it’s that concerning, though I wouldn’t do it. Why can’t he go with him on these errands?

@Zanatdy doesn't currently go out with friends into the city centre to hang out. He goes to friends houses and outside our house to play.

Your son is far more likely to get groomed than have the iPad taken in his current circumstances.

You really need to speak to someone in real life who can help you understand how vulnerable and at risk he is

Are you in a position to be able to stop contact? I don't know what the process is for family Court/ Court ordered contact etc. He knows he can't leave the 5 year old alone, leaving a 10 year old alone who is extremely vulnerable just boggles my mind.he should do chores etc when he doesn't have contact if he can't ensure both children are safe. Would his dad admit to it if you confronted him about it?

I am a hands off parent.
This is wrong. Anyone could persuade your son to leave with them.
You need to call it out.

So many risks - the most likely one actually being theft (coffee shops are a prime spot for pickpockets etc).

However also unfettered internet access when alone isn’t great either “oh I’m at x cafe”

I have a 10 year old son with no additional needs and who is sensible. I wouldn't leave him alone in random cafe's for an hour+.

If we are in a cafe together, he may stay at the table for a couple of minutes while I order or go to the toilet, but I wouldn't just leave him!

To be honest, I'm surprised cafe staff haven't noticed- does his dad get him a drink/food? It's usually not OK to sit there with no food/drink?

I would not be OK with this at all.

And now the OP is now more focussed on DS being the victim of a mugging, than the actual neglect taking place?! WTAF??? Beggars belief!

@MoonWoman69 maybe read the whole thread and you might actually understand where I’m coming from in this. Of course I know it’s neglect! Stupid comments like this on Mumsnet make the forum a complete joke. Why bother when an OP is asking a serious question about neglect? Why would you even make a misleading and incorrect comment? Haven’t you got anything better to do with your time?

i think the op is worried of the effects on her dc of the neglect, one of which would be the trauma of being mugged.
But you knew that already and prefer to make up provocative shit.

Even if it's physically safe, surely it's doing hige emotional damage that Dad has so little time with him and parks him out of the way so Dad and youngest can go do fun stuff without him

Not provocative shit at all, have you actually read the entire thread?! Is this all you have to be indignant about?! She's gone from asking what people think about the situation, which is frankly bizarre in itself when it's concerning the neglect of her own child by the ex. Now it's switched to more concern around the fact be may get mugged!!! Some people, including you it seems, need to open your eyes!

I think I get what you're asking, you want to know if this is something that the family court would agree is neglect or will they say its a reasonable parental choice? I think in that case, as it is pretty reasonable for a 10 year old to be in a cafe for an hour or so (even though it really isn't in this particular case) and they might dismiss the discord thing (despite that being one of the biggest issues) as a parental choice, so I think your best bet is to emphasise your son's individual vulnerabilities, because he's neurodiverse, and the upset it is causing your son.

Nor any of the other apps/sites mentioned

I have a child with similar needs. I could sort of imagine him being okay at home (although he is same age and I haven't done this and can't see me doing it anytime soon). But definitely not in a café as it's a more unpredictable and problematic sensory and social environment.

@MoonWoman69 the OP has explained why she is asking here.

Unfortunately while the child has a disability I doubt they will take the issues seriously unless the OP can provide independent proof of the child being upset or at risk of harm. This is because the child is functioning as expected doing other things even though it is in the immediate locality.

It doesn't help the child themselves is masking.

This is so far from OK I'm speechless.