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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Leaving 10 year son in cafes

132 replies

shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 10:28

What do people think about this? Do you leave your 10 year olds alone in cafes for an hour+ at a time, with no phone or means to contact you, or anyone. In a large city, not a village cafe where everyone knows you and your family.

Children's dad has them every other weekend for daytime contact only, and once during the week after school. There is an ongoing family court case which has currently stopped overnight contact due to concerns based about neglect. Part of which was based on him leaving 10 year old who has ADHD and waiting for autism assessment, alone in the caravan he lives in.

He is now leaving our son in cafes when he has him. He gives him an ipad and he plays games and watches Youtube videos on his own. He's mentioned it a few times and I've asked my son if he's ok with it, but he's the sort of boy who masks a lot and he just says things like, "well i can talk to my friends on Discord so its fine" but it does seem to be bothering him. He has ADHD so being allowed to game without boundaries is a massive draw for him, almost like an addiction, he can't see through. When i asked him the last time before he left to be with him if he was ok with being left alone in different cafes, he burst into tears and said "Why doesn't daddy want me around?". To highlight I only ever ask casually and say things like can you order your own food and drink if you're hungry, and make a joke about how cool is that.

I suppose my question is firstly is this safe? I would never dream of doing it, but I hardly ever leave him alone at home and if I do only for maximum half an hour whilst I nip to the shops, and always in daytime. He's been leaving him for hours, and also in the dark, 4-6pm after school last week....Whilst he goes and does stuff with the younger one...He is also quite immature for his age, and very innocent, easily led, a dopamine miner (ADHD, autism).. I just dont feel comfortable but before I try and face this latest issue I just want to know what other parents think?

OP posts:
FacingTheWall · 07/01/2024 11:24

It’s absolutely not ok. However I wonder if his dad thinks he’s easily entertained/managed by leaving him somewhere with WiFi so he can spend time online? Not a good reason clearly, and needs sorting, but just wondered if he finds him ‘hard work’ and this is an easy option for him, whilst he does something else.

AlohaRose · 07/01/2024 11:24

Where is your husband going while he leaves his son? What on earth is he doing that DS can't go with him? I'm surprised that your son hasn't been approached by the cafe owner/manager - surely they notice a primary-age child left alone for long periods? Apart from anything else, presumably he is taking up a table that could be used by others?

margotrose · 07/01/2024 11:25

10 is too young to be out in public unsupervised.

Children walk to and from school alone from the age of eight here. I'd be very concerned about a 10yo who couldn't walk to the shops to the park alone (disabilities etc. aside).

Nonplusultra · 07/01/2024 11:33

He’s absolutely ripe for exploitation. Anyone could be chatting with him on Discord and he tell them where he is, that he’s alone. Someone could be watching and noticing that he’s left alone.

These are exactly the sort of vulnerabilities that predators look for.

AIstolemylunch · 07/01/2024 11:36

He's way too young for this and, more importantly, I would not be happy about my 10y old having access, especially unsupervised, to Discord chats.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 07/01/2024 11:36

It’s a firm no from me!!

The mans a clown.

DNLove · 07/01/2024 11:43

So much wrong with this situation. What if there was a fire alarm in the cafe and place was cleared, what would your son do? How would your ex know where to find him?
The message he's been given is your too difficult to spend time with so I'm taking your sibling who I like more to have fun. When we're done we'll get you from the random spot we've dumped you. That's unbelievably damaging for your child.
If the children's interests are so different and your son struggles to cope with activities he doesn't enjoy then easy option for your ex is to take them separately but that's not an option you have when kids are with you and means you never get a full break.

Nomorelessonneededplease · 07/01/2024 11:44

Ofcourse it is not ok.
I don't understand this even being a question.
Do not send your child to be under his care.

NalafromtheLionKing · 07/01/2024 11:47

“He burst into tears and asked why Daddy doesn’t want him around”.

That is the answer. It would break my heart for my DC to feel like this and you should go back to your solicitor to try to cut daytime contact too.

Ilovelurchers · 07/01/2024 11:49

All 10 year olds are different, but to be left alone in a city cafe for upwards of an hour with no means of contacting a parent does sound like it is too much for your son, and understandably so
I did just wonder as I read, how do you know it is happening, and specifically for the length of time you think it is?

I'm not accusing you of lying OP - please don't get me wrong. I just wondered if you are 100% sure the info is accurate and has not been perhaps accidentally exaggerated by your som. Because one can imagine the dad maybe leaving your son while he orders at the till, or pops to a couple of shops even (so 20 mins or so) - but leaving him for hours at a time - it's just hard to see why he would do this. What is the dad doing in that time, do you know (or suspect)? Is he a drinker going to the pub, for example? Or the bookies? Just trying to think of time consuming things he would need to conceal from his child.

I'm by not saying by any means saying it definitely isn't happening - just worth being absolutely sure before you take it further.

Then the first step to take is to try and discuss it with the boys' dad I guess? I realise that might be easier to say than do.... It may be that this will not work and you need to take further action, but I always think the least inflammatory course (while still safeguarding the child) is important to preserve the co-parenting relationship as well as you can, whatever your personal private feelings towards this man....

Good luck OP.

Kwam31 · 07/01/2024 11:53

What is he doing that he can't take both kids with him?
All very odd leaving him.

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2024 12:00

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but why is he being left alone in a cafe?

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2024 12:01

I have a ten year old and I would never leave her in a cafe alone. Anyone could sit with her and talk to her, and invite her elsewhere. How weird. I'd tell social services what he's doing.

premiur · 07/01/2024 12:02

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2024 12:01

I have a ten year old and I would never leave her in a cafe alone. Anyone could sit with her and talk to her, and invite her elsewhere. How weird. I'd tell social services what he's doing.

Even more so with the discord thing.

This kid is prime target for grooming.

Bellaphant · 07/01/2024 12:02

I read the thread title and I was coming on to say it /may/ be ok, based on my own experience as a preteen who's ideal Saturday was being left alone for a while in the Waterstones, whilst my mum did some shopping, but no, no way. Discord is for older kids, the cafe is a weird place (too much traffic, clogging up a table, just...an odd choice), your son is vulnerable and most importantly it's making him feel rejected!

Just no, and I'm normally fairly lax on 'independent kids'.

susiedaisy1912 · 07/01/2024 12:03

Beautiful3 · 07/01/2024 12:00

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but why is he being left alone in a cafe?

This. I need to know wtf is the dad doing whilst he leaves his dc in the cafe.

zigzag716746zigzag · 07/01/2024 12:04

What is he taking the younger child to do that means older child can’t come, and how far away is he from older child?

Does older child know where they are (eg are they just a few doors down)?

quisensoucie · 07/01/2024 12:05

I don't understand why you even have to ask

Redlarge · 07/01/2024 12:06

Is he going to the pub or betting shop. Why cant his son go with him.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/01/2024 12:07

Agree that your son is ripe for exploitation. The wrong person looking over his shoulder to find out his discord name could message and befriend him and no adult would know.

Didoreththeterf · 07/01/2024 12:09

I’m really surprised a cafe would allow this.

shineyhappypeople78 · 07/01/2024 12:10

@quisensoucie I have to ask as there is a court case going on re neglect and the family court is an absolute nightmare and you can be acused of parental alienation at the drop of a hat. Im asking to gauge the word on the street kind of thing as that is what cafcass officers are - a completely known entity with extremely random views on what they think child neglect is - basically a child left alone in soiled nappies for a week can be viewed as a cost of living crisis not neglect - an extreme example but just to show why I am asking anonymously here. You just do not know what you are dealing with in the Family Court. I dont think its ok but I need to be aware of what the views are of people who think it is ok. As that could well come at me. Will I be a helicopter parent, etc etc etc

OP posts:
Paddleboarder · 07/01/2024 12:10

It's not fine, for all sorts of reasons. He feels abandoned -why isn't he being included in the other activities, and if he doesn't want to be, why isn't his dad doing something they both want to do? He doesn't have a phone - why not and what is he supposed to do in an emergency? When my son was younger he had a hobby that you can go to a shop and so (Games Workshop). He would spend hours in there and I had to sit there with him until he was 12. The shop wasn't unsafe. I trusted my child. The reason he couldn't be there alone at age 10 was because if there was an emergency and everyone had to vacate the premises then they could not be responsible for him.

soupandcrackers · 07/01/2024 12:13

I used to go to coffee shops when I was 10, without a grown up, albeit I had another 10yo to go with.

Sounds as though we had very different personalities though, I'd say I was quite a mature 10yo. Given his additional needs, I'd not be okay with this.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 07/01/2024 12:17

If I'm honest, yes I did, mostly at the local museum though when I was in parking nearby - there were 2 of them and they did have a basic mobile phone, there were activities on at the museum but it wasn't child care as such. My dd is autistic but very sensible. At 10 my kids started at high school meaning taking the public bus 3 miles which they did alone (they are 2 years apart) this is city suburbs.

I'm pretty laid back parenting wise in this aspect, I would not be concerned about an hour in a cafe in a public place unless the young person is worried themselves

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