What’s so good about being an only child?

[Orangeandgold]

My daughter is an early teen, in year 7 and for the past 5 years she has been complaining about being an only child. She hates it!!

Me and her have a close relationship. We go out on weekends and if we have nothing planned we take a walk or do something local.

She doesn’t want for anything physically - she has her clubs, instruments at home that she is learning; we have a craft cupboard, a desktop - so lots to do.

I organise and encourage big trips with friends over the holidays and she has the odd “play date”. Her and her friends also have regular phone calls (I can hear their whole conversation as she usually takes the calls infront of me).

I have a sibling and I tell her that they are overrated but she seems so upset to not have one.

Id love to hear from people that are only-children. What was it like. How can I help her.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

I’ve got a 2.5 year old and I’m pretty sure (but not 100%) that we are one and done. It’s mainly how expensive everything has gotten, I think if we wanted another bad enough we could make it work but I think money would be so tight and I think it would be massively detrimental to my MH more than anything else. I want my existing Child to live comfortably more than another potential child.

My experience - I had a younger sister and we didn’t get on at all really. Occasionally we would play nicely but most of the time we would just bicker and have to be separated. It used to really upset me having to include her in things with my friends, I know that sounds horrible! We get on fine now but not super close - don’t really meet up outside of family gatherings or anything. I do however have a couple of close friends I’ve known since primary that I think of as family, my daughter calls ‘auntie’ etc.

So I don’t feel too bad about it, although I do occasionally fantasise about living in a big rambling house with a tribe of free range children, the reality is we couldn’t afford that kind of life even if we had more so it’s null and void 😂

My Dad is an only and he’s honestly one of the happiest most fulfilled people I know. He’s always had plenty of friends, a better social life than me when I was a teen! His parents are old now but he has his wife for the emotional support and his friends are all really supportive and a constant presence. I don’t think he’s ever felt particularly lonely.

sorry that was longer than I thought!

My son loves being an only child. He never wanted siblings.

He's 22 now and not in any way spoilt.

He said he feels closer to his parents than his friends with siblings think they are to their parents.

I liked it as a child because I got all the attention, no need to share anything, more money spent on me for my birthday etc. I was also more independent and found it easier to get along with adults. I actually preferred adults to other kids... even now I prefer older people. My parents bought me my first car and paid for my driving lessons, if I'd had a sibling close in age then we would've had to buy our own cars and pay for lessons (and therefore taken longer to become independent)

Everyone I know with siblings has had fall outs with them as adults and I don't need to worry about that. I also save money as there's fewer gifts to buy at Xmas 😁

I used to wish I'd had an older sister to have taught me about fashion, and give me guidance when it came to A levels and uni (I was the first in my family to do either). Having said that, if I had had an older sister then she may not have been into fashion and might've left school at 16 and I would have been in the same position either way!

Grass is always greener! My friend was an only, hated it and vowed if she had children she would have more than one, she has had 4. No doubt her kids will think different when they come to have kids.

My dd (17yo) is an only, I'd have liked another but I'd never happened so 🤷‍♀️

Most of the time she doesn't mind it but she does say she feels left out sometimes when her friends talk about their siblings. Maybe this is the same with your dd op?

My dd is quite close to her younger cousins which have been like surrogate siblings really and I think dd appreciates this as it's nice when they're here but also nice when they go home 😉

My dd knows she's been lucky to do lots of things because she's an only which wouldnt have happened if she had a sibling, we also have a lovely close relationship (most of the time!).

I have a much older sibling, practically raised as an only child and I loved the attention I got. I get great emotional support from good friends.

I see how much mine bicker over everything, madness. With multiples, parental resources of every kind, money and time, is halved. BUT burden is shared between siblings when parents are older and their health failing. You bond with your sibling best to help or fight your parent e.g. if they are being completely unreasonable

Maybe she's having some friendship stuff going on. I'm introverted but very social, so those were the times when I wished I had a close sister. But being older now I'm pretty glad I don't have one, it's just rose tinted glasses for an 'loyal' relationship. It requires work and compromise like any relationship and you can't choose your sibling.

I have 6 other siblings and the worse thing is missing them all the time because I live so far away.

I hated being an only!

@Crishell when I ask her why she says “because she is the only one that she knows without a sibling and everyone she knows has one. All of her friends have one. Even you have one (as in I have my sister/her aunty)”

Im not sure if part of it is also wanting someone to play with - but she is past that age and has never said that.

@Avoidingsleep and anyone else that has mentioned personality playing a huge factor (I’m just going through all of the comments!) - you might be right.

I have some mum friends with only children and they tell me that their DCs haven’t been phased about not having siblings but they have more introverted personalities and live alone time.

My DD always wants company. She isn’t loud or over the top but very social and has always had huge friendship circles. She always tells me how she can’t imagine living alone for example. So perhaps being more extroverted and liking being around people plays a role.

Although I did ask for the positives as @Jennalong mentioned, it has been so insightful to hear some of the negatives or honest opinions from only children as it has helped me to better understand where DD might be coming from. Im always surprised that she hates being an only child so much.

FYI (for those slating I lied) she is very well behaved, a sharer, confident - I admit she probably spends more time around adults than most and it makes her great company - I can see that she might crave spending more time around younger folk.

I have a sibling, hated it so much as a child but love it as an adult. DD is around family members with siblings and when she is at a friends house she is seeing people interact with their siblings - although she has a good life and she is generally happy I am guessing she feels “othered” as she (and I) do not know many only children families (I haven’t come across an “only child’s” club of any sort in person to know where to start - for those that have advised to hang out more with only child families). I do have friends who are only children though but I do t think DD is thinking that far into adulthood.

Also to those asking if she is an only child based on circumstance v choice - I’d say a mix of both. It is just the 2 of us, I split up with her dad when she was young and so I focused on her and work.

She does joke and says it’s too late now to have a sibling - if she does get one she will be more like their second mum - so maybe she is realising it might be too late to have the sibling relationship she “imagines”

It has been insightful reading through comments and I will adopt a more compassionate approach as opposed to comparison and dismissive.

'Weird' is a bit harsh! I teach many children and honestly couldn't tell you if they are an only child or not. They all have different identities shaped by different factors.

They also learn to develop good social skills. You can treat siblings badly and they will still be there. If you don't learn to treat your friends well they will stop being your friend. So making and keeping friends becomes a skill that an only child is usually motivated to work hard on.

I really disagree with this point.

Firstly, kids with siblings have friends too, you've presented it as an either/or situation and it's not.

Secondly, friends are self-selecting based on similar outlooks and interests. Learning to get along with, or at least rub alongside people you haven't chosen to be around (and who haven't chosen you) is also an important life skill.

Speaking from experience, having to deal with the illness or death of your parents completely alone is bloody awful. I also feel sad knowing that my DC won’t have cousins to play and grow up with, as I did- they have great relationships with my cousins’ children and our friends DC but it isn’t the same.

Much as I love that my kids have each other we had to put a lot more thought into whether a child could do hobbies money wise, we couldn’t even afford swimming for years, and paid days out pretty much aren’t feasible! they shared clothes, rooms, it even comes down to eg sweets or crisps- one 6 pack and it’s gone in our family- or a pizza is divided by 6!! (I wouldn’t change a thing but I used to worry about how much they missed out on)

My DS is growing up as an only because my next four pregnancies ended in miscarriage or neonatal deaths.

I knew this thread would contain the usual 'only child' comments, but this one has been spectacularly hurtful.

Is your DH an only too then? I'm an only child and my DS has cousins because his dad has a brother with kids.

No drama! I'm one of 4. There's always a falling out somewhere.

I did come on looking for reassurance & wish I hadn’t. I’m one & done NOT by choice & am nowhere near at peace with the decision. I don’t know why I torture myself with reading threads like this as most of the time they make me feel shit, but this one was especially vile.

Why are people with multiple kids so intent on sticking the boot into only children? If you are so happy & secure in your decision, why are you even arsed.

I’m now back to worrying that my only is going to be a lonely, weirdo who ends up suicidal & a hermit caring for his selfish elderly parents*. And yes, I am particularly ‘triggered’ by this topic.

But the one thing I will add (even though this is a complete derailment) is that the biggest cunts I know, are not only children 🤷🏽‍♀️

• As per PP, I will have things set up so that never happens, even if I had multiple children, I would not want them to put their lives on hold & suffer the burden of being a carer.

I'm an only child and I have always loved it. You don't miss something you've never had?! Out of all my friends I'm the most independant. I'll happily go for a meal / coffee on my own. I love sitting and reading, love my own space and having "quiet" time. I get a bit overwhelmed when I'm around big groups of people and lots of noise for long periods of time. I love my friends and thankfully have a large family - despite no siblings - so never short of company when I want it but thankfully can just pick and choose when to be around people and when to be on my own.

Also, I had friends who hated their siblings - non stop arguments and fights - so just because you have a brother or sister, doesn't mean you'll necessarily get along!

I am an only and I agree with this as I hated it too. It did not help that my parents were very unsociable so I was quite isolated and that I didn't have any cousins either. I also wanted a pet and was not allowed one.

When I got to university age my parents were also planning to emigrate and leave me at university in the UK which I found quite unsettling.

Now I feel sad I have no siblings to share things with and that I will be solely responsible for my parents aging. The only positive was the financial side and my parents used the extra resources for private school and extra curricular activities.

I think now though it is much more common to be an only which may make things easier. I remember being one of two in my class at school without any siblings and being jealous becuase the other only was bought a dalmatian by her parents to compensate!

He isn’t, but BIL and his DW aren’t really arsed about having children.

I am an only child in my mid 30s and it has suddenly hit me in the last year or so how lonely I am in life. I have two cousins but we have never been close. I have no children of my own (and am not likely to due to circumstance) and I face a future possibly entirely alone and I am terrified. My parents are in good health at the moment but I dread the thought of them getting old and ill. These feelings have consumed my life of late and I am now on medication for anxiety. So I don't think anyone should be dismissing your daughter's concerns. She is doing well at such a young age to have recognised the potential issues she could face. I wish her all the best.

I think people with siblings rarely recognise how lucky they are to have someone who potentially can be there throughout their life. Of course some don't get on, but on the whole people seem to take siblings for granted until parents get old or start dying, people divorce or other tragedies hit. Those are the times in life it is hardest to be an only child. You loose your parents and no one is around to help or remember them with you.

Exactly! My Mum and her brother used to have a bit of a frosty relationship but now both their parents have gone, they are much closer and see each other or talk on the phone most days.

I recently broke down in a flood of tears to my Mum about worrying how I am going to cope when she and my Dad are gone. And unbelievably, I didn't get much sympathy because I just don't think she gets it.