What’s so good about being an only child?

[Orangeandgold]

My daughter is an early teen, in year 7 and for the past 5 years she has been complaining about being an only child. She hates it!!

Me and her have a close relationship. We go out on weekends and if we have nothing planned we take a walk or do something local.

She doesn’t want for anything physically - she has her clubs, instruments at home that she is learning; we have a craft cupboard, a desktop - so lots to do.

I organise and encourage big trips with friends over the holidays and she has the odd “play date”. Her and her friends also have regular phone calls (I can hear their whole conversation as she usually takes the calls infront of me).

I have a sibling and I tell her that they are overrated but she seems so upset to not have one.

Id love to hear from people that are only-children. What was it like. How can I help her.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

@Beezknees I agree with you. If my choices were living in poverty and having more than one child, or having an only child and not living in poverty, I would choose the latter.

@DarkForces I've said plenty of positive things about only children up thread, and I wasn't generalising. I said, 'some of us'.

Having siblings can go either way. Positive of negative. Research on this topic shows that only children are on average more successful in life (academically and career wise) and no less happy (don't remember how they measured or defined this). You could tell her that.

Having a sibling is great but the reality is that by having a sibling you have less of your parents and everything your parents can provide. I am happy to have a sibling but I do feel guilty about not being able to pay so much attention to my dc1 since I've had dc2 and I'm definitely spread way too thin.

@DarkForces of course only children are allowed benefits. I was just reflecting on my personal experience of a five-year old, only child's perspective. It was a shame that at such a young age, his parents felt the need to point out that his situation was better because he was going to receive more presents. IMHO, materialism isn't something to strive for, but having more stuff seems to be upheld as the ideal and a top priority on these threads by some people.

I'm not trawling this horrible thread for previous comments. Plenty have been awful on this thread.

If you're expecting me to not let dd know the financial benefits of being an only, are you also expecting people who have more than one to say nothing about the benefits of more than one? Judging by this thread, they not only do this but trash only children happily

^One of my previous posts.

I dont think you need to sell the benefits.

It's perfectly appropriate to close down the conversation and say that the number if kids you wanted to raise is an adult decision and not her business.

You can find gentler words of you like but it's really not her business, she can do what she wants when she starts a family.

I'm an only child. Didn't bother me much I always had animals and cousins when I was younger.

I agree that financially, its made life easier (learning to drive, uni etc)

I do wish I had a bigger family especially at Christmas though. However I know families that detest each other for the rest of the year and pretend for the facebook Xmas photos

I'm naturally happy with my own company but enjoy being in a group too

More money doesn’t have to equal more stuff. But it can equal better opportunities- the chance to travel, the chance to try more activities, to play an instrument or learn a sport, to access culture such as the theatre, or do pay for support such as a tutor or a counsellor. When there’s a financial backer, you can take more risks - you can take that job that you might love, without fear that you’ll be on the streets if you fail. So when I say that my only child will have better financial resources I don’t mean she’ll be bought every toy she wants, I mean that she’ll have more opportunities than she would if our time / attention and money were split between multiple children. She’s the least selfish child, I’m told by her friends parents all the time, and when someone is hurt at a birthday party she is the first one to go over and check they’re ok. Every snack she has - she shares with her friends even if that means there’s only one sweet left for her. So I’m not going to let people make me worry about her being an awful person just because we’ve chosen not to have another child.

I have an only DC. Used to have sleepovers every weekend so lots kids about.
We were able to give a large sum for their first property. They will inherit a very large sum when we pop our cloggs.

Of course we discuss the pluses and minuses of having different sized families with dd. It's not because she gets a say over my choice but I acknowledge some things are harder but others easier, finances being one of them.

Only children usually benefit from more of the family resources than they would have if there were more children.

These include physical space, time and attention from parents, financial resources, not having to do things that are only of interest to the other children in the family.
Parents can provide more support to one child than to multiple children.

There is no sibling conflict and generally less noise in the home, often a calmer more peaceful environment.

They also learn to develop good social skills. You can treat siblings badly and they will still be there. If you don't learn to treat your friends well they will stop being your friend. So making and keeping friends becomes a skill that an only child is usually motivated to work hard on.

They also learn to develop good social skills. You can treat siblings badly and they will still be there. If you don't learn to treat your friends well they will stop being your friend. So making and keeping friends becomes a skill that an only child is usually motivated to work hard on.

I agree but also “good social skills” aren’t exclusively learned from same age peers! Social skills are acquired and learned through all social communication including and often primarily from parents.

I'm an only. When you get to the time of life when you have raging parents, decisions on care are yours only. You don't do everything then have a sibling swoop in and dispute the arrangements in place. Not much comfort to a child though.

IMHO, materialism isn't something to strive for, but having more stuff seems to be upheld as the ideal and a top priority on these threads by some people.

”Materialsim” here being used as a derogatory term - what do you mean specifically by materialism? Financial security? More than one needs? Pursuit of wealth at the expense of others? Are we all supposed to be altruistic in our working lives and not pursue financial success? Is financial independence not a culturally held value in our society?

Im an only child and hate it, im now 33 and still want a sibling 😂

Hence why im pregnant with number 3.

DS (17) is an only and has never complained about not having a sibling, ever!

I believe it possibly stems from the fact that one set of his cousins (girl/boy siblings) who just didn’t get along, fought like cat and dog when DS was with them, argued over everything, gave him a small insight that having a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean having a forever friend. He was always glad to return home to relative peace and quiet.

He might not always feel this way but he does make friends easily, especially now he’s at College, so who knows.

I do have moments of guilt, but there’s never a guarantee that siblings will get along, DH can vouch for that!

You sound like you’re doing all the right things, OP. I had two older brothers growing up and always yearned for a younger sister, wanted my DM to have another ‘just for me’ 😆 that wouldn’t have been a guarantee though would it.

You’ve hit the nail on the head in your final paragraph and this makes so much sense.

DS (17) is an only and has in the past not understood why some ‘friends’ treated him badly. DS would be the first to ask someone if they were ok, sit by someone sitting alone, call a friend if he’d had a bad day asking if he was ok, but couldn’t understand why this often was reciprocated! He has learned this skill and now has a lovely group of friends at college.

Of course this doesn’t exclusively apply to only DC but it makes sense in DS’s case.

The original point I was trying to make, was that a five year old child, telling my DCs that being an only child was better than having siblings because he got more presents, more.roys, and didn't have to ever share his parents.

Read into that what you will.

That just sounds like those parents were dickheads for saying in front of / to their young child tbh. Sad that he’s absorbed that!

It's just very personal.

I'm an only and loved it, always, never wanted a sibling at all. Don't miss it now I'm an adult either, have lots of great friends. Was super close to my mum until she died, really enjoyed hanging out with her as a teen and an adult.

At 13, my mum got a little broody and I was all "absolutely not, I'm never coming out with you if you do, people will think I'm a teenage mum, I'm not babysitting it if you do, it'll wreck all future holidays, I want my sleep, we won't be able to do fun stuff with a baby" etc.
But teens aren't (or at least I wasn't) the most empathic/sympathetic to others!
Luckily my dad didn't want to go back to the baby stage either, so I stayed an only.

I have one toddler and like you do not want to go through pregnancy, birth etc again, plus we had to have IVF to have her and am just not going through that again which we’d have to pay for and may well not work anyway. It took 4 years to conceive DD with losses along the way and I felt I was looking at the very real possibility of childlessness which was heartbreaking for me, I always wanted to be a mum. But I think eventually I could have had a happy childless life.

All that being said, if something happened to DD I think that would be the end of my world and having another child would not make it any better- in fact it may be harder as I would need to “stay strong” for them and I don’t think I could. I’m not sure I’d keep going to be honest- maybe for my parents and DH but I’d be a shell and in no position to be someone else’s parent. That’s just my view on it.

Wow, so much only child negativity here. Can’t believe it! OP, your DD can’t help the way she feels but it’s probably a passing phase. It’s easier to want what you haven’t got too.

We are TTC and despite being in our 20s are leaning towards being one and done and have been since we reflected on how much support we have had from our parents particularly as teenagers and young adults. Driving lessons, uni support, wedding costs, house deposit. Non-essential of course but it’s so hard to afford things when you’re starting out and I never want to be in a position that we can’t support our child and give them the very best of what we can. Dividing help by 2, unless you’re very well off, means there’s less for all. Yes I may be biased but I don’t get along at all with my sister and she has made my life hell tbh for the last few years.

I also enjoy working, sleep, and spending time with my husband- all a lot more possible with one! It will be more and more normal as cost of living rises to have one or none. There are too many variables in trying for a second imo. What if they have complex disabilities, or it’s twins?

Your DD might have hated her sibling and you might have dealt with nothing but constant fights. I would say from most the adults I know they are either on neutral terms with their siblings and see them every now and then, or actively dislike them. Very few that are close.

Everyone saying your care will fall to one DC as you get older… I don’t think it should anyway! Personally we will always set ourselves up so that it’s not their burden to bear. Different strokes for different folks.

Am an "only" myself.Plus and minus like everything.My friend had to share with her little sister a very small room and it was a squeeze . 2 brothers as well (in another room lol!) I had my own room at home and in Nans house as well.Your DD is well looked after with lots to keep her amused ,so no worries there. All DC want something "else" it seems !