What’s so good about being an only child?

[Orangeandgold]

My daughter is an early teen, in year 7 and for the past 5 years she has been complaining about being an only child. She hates it!!

Me and her have a close relationship. We go out on weekends and if we have nothing planned we take a walk or do something local.

She doesn’t want for anything physically - she has her clubs, instruments at home that she is learning; we have a craft cupboard, a desktop - so lots to do.

I organise and encourage big trips with friends over the holidays and she has the odd “play date”. Her and her friends also have regular phone calls (I can hear their whole conversation as she usually takes the calls infront of me).

I have a sibling and I tell her that they are overrated but she seems so upset to not have one.

Id love to hear from people that are only-children. What was it like. How can I help her.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

It's a stupid thing to base a life choice on though. Who on earth decides to have children based on suicide rates?

Or how about this study which suggests that only children have lower rates of mental health problems?

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1196569/full#:~:text=Similar%20to%20prior%20researches%20(37,childhood%20trauma%20and%20parents'%20rejection.

“Similar to prior researches (37, 38), this study found that only children reported fewer depressive symptoms than non-only children. Moreover, the results showed that only children perceived more emotional warmth from parents, while non-only children perceived more childhood trauma and parents’ rejection.”

It's interesting because on this thread it seems like the people who have siblings are coming across as the shittiest people. Maybe they can't admit to their own shortfalls.

People are SO weirdly passionate about other peoples decision to have an only child. This thread is batshit

People should have the amount of children that they want, can parent well and can afford. Whether that’s 0, 1 or 6

I’m an only and have always hated it, sorry.
As a child it was boring - maybe ok if you have cousins close in age - but I didn’t. I had friends and dud groups, but there was no-one to bounce off at home. As an adult I have no close family as parents died young.
I have two DCs close in age and they’ve always got on well - as young adults they’re good friends.
I appreciate every family is different so this is just my experience.

Absolutely.

As a woman, it's my choice as to how many children that I want to carry and give birth to.

Only child of my exact parents and half-siblings significantly older. I really enjoyed spending lots of time with my Mum and I saw childhood dogs as my siblings! Can you get her a dog or cat so she feels less lonely?
It is probably just envy(her friends or social media influencers must have fun siblings).

Swings and roundabouts - there are advantages and disadvantages to both, neither is 'right'.

We have an only due to infertility, we are super lucky to have him at all. We make sure he gets lots of playdates and activities, and we spend a lot of time playing with him, especially imaginative games.

We hosted a Ukrainian family for a year, with 3 little girls - DS and the eldest got on really well, and it was great to see them playing together. It also taught DS resilience, as there were the usual squabbles between DC who live together. It was tough sharing our space, but I'm so glad we did, especially for DS's sake.

When we have friends over with multiple DC, I do see that DS misses out on the constant chaos that comes with siblings, but he's quite similar to me in that he needs a fair bit of down-time so I think on balance he's happier as an only than he would be with siblings.

Oh, and there are the financial benefits such as being able to pay for university fees, buy him a car, and help with his house deposit when the time comes. We'd struggle to do that with more than one child.

I hated being an only child, and I still do. I'm nearly 40!

In the interests of balance, again, can I just give my perspective on only children.

I work in a school, and some of the most likeable, well rounded, happiest and hard working children I've encountered have been onlies. They can be wise beyond their years, and not always in a bad way.

That's not to say that there aren't children who are as equally likeable, well rounded, happy and hard working who have siblings - of course there are.

Onlies are not always stand-out weird children, sometimes they stand out for being kind, funny and caring, with amazing work ethics, even at primary school. I know so many only children who fit this description.

And so many children like this who have siblings.

Thank you so much, NeverGuessWho. That’s lovely to hear.

wtf is wrong with people on this thread? Are you really so insecure in your decision to have more than 1 you have to be horrible about children without siblings or point to absolutely bullshit statistics?

Only children are just people without siblings, some will love it, some hate it, most will go through stages of both. Just because you have a different set up doesn't mean it's wrong.

For what it's worth I have a sibling and my only dd is a lot kinder, confident and more secure than I ever was or will be.

It's interesting because on this thread it seems like the people who have siblings are coming across as the shittiest people. Maybe they can't admit to their own shortfalls.
Agree. I have siblings I get on well with and think some of the replies on here are really nasty about only children.

There’s pros and cons to only child or siblings. Tell her she can’t miss what she’s never known. It’s not going to change, so not point getting annoyed about it,

It’s a phase. She’ll appreciate it as she gets older. I have two DDs and they got in great as chn but not so much as teens. Now 23 and 19 and eldest lives away. They get on better .

I’m an only and I found it hard at various points. But as a teen I found it hard when I started having boyfriends because I realised that my parents were in a relationship. Sounds odd I know but I suddenly realised that they were once boyfriend and girlfriend and now I was here sat in the middle of it.

I was an only child who also wanted a sibling. I didn't hate been an only but back in the 70's/ 80's I was quite unusual as an only.

I have 2 and my daughter hates having a younger brother!! Wishes she was an only, so grass is always greener! But my list:

No hand me downs that don't quite work but will do!

More time with parents
Don't have to share time e.g. can only do 1 or 2 hobbies as parent needs to juggle too much.
Less compromising.
Not getting dragged around to do things that are really too old/ young for you.
Less arguments at home.
You really may not get on with your sibling and have very different views/ opinions etc.
Better holidays
Don't have to share as many things
More personal space.
When older more likely to get financial help, or what is there more will go to 1.

There are certainly pros and cons to both, but as an only who wanted to have 2 children. I can now clearly see why people choose to have an only. I didn't have that wisdom but I think being an only actually far outweighs having siblings, that is unless you have siblings who absolutely adore each other! I clearly don't.

I have never felt lonely for a sibling so I have no idea why anyone would think that not having siblings makes someone lonely. That’s weird. People living in large bustling families can feel very very lonely.

As a teen I saw my friends who had siblings and the shit they went through, good, bad, indifferent, and I was not jealous or lonely for a sibling at all. Many friends enjoyed being at my home for the benefits of no siblings around!

This is going to be unpopular, but I'm going with it anyway.
😬

When my DCs were little, our very close family friends had an only child. I can remember vividly, one Christmas, their DC5, saying to my children, armour house, unprompted, "It's great not having brothers and sisters, I get so many more presents than you, and I don't have to share my mum and dad".

Clearly he had been told this by his parents, as a way of making him feel, rather than missing out, he was more special and privileged than my children, and that he was able to have more, materialistically, than my children.

My drawer dropped and it made me so sad . Not for my DCs, but for him.

The financial benefit card pops up on only child threads time and time again. Why are some of us teaching our children that having more money, and more stuff, top trumps everything else?

I think that wanting and expecting the same as, or more than everyone else is one of the major problems with society. Surely, it's better to teach children, regardless of their family dynamic, that family, love and kindness is more important than material possessions.

I’m an only child and used to want siblings as a child, mainly because most my friends had siblings. I now am grateful that I was, I’m incredibly independent and good at things that I attribute to having to make my own fun as a child. Alongside that, I also am very close to my parents as a result of being an only child and have always grown up being very good at communicating with adults — served me well throughout education!

I grew up in poverty and it was shit. I would absolutely rather have one child and be able to give them things that I never had.

People who say material things don't matter are usually people who have no idea what it's like to seriously struggle. Yes, love and kindness are important but those things don't pay the bills.

Are you also suggesting that people with more than one child don't extol the benefits of siblings to make everything even? Why are only children not allowed to have benefits? It's just a fact, less people means more money to go around.

Plenty of evidence in this thread people are willing to talk incredibly negatively about only children.

Hah, that would be weird if my parents had ever said how privileged I was for not having siblings but they didn’t and I decided that on my own.

As for the money, again, they never ever said anything about not having other children so as to financially benefit me, I like the money and I like the not arguing over it, what can I say. Liking the money doesn’t preclude me from having other values such as “family, love, and kindness” - I’ve no idea what money has to do with learning kindness. That seems an odd corollary.

I have a younger brother. I love him but we're not close and I’m not sure how helpful he'll be when my mum is old and needs care/decisions making.

I always assumed I'd have two children but now I have a toddler and I’m really rethinking that decision. I don't cope well on lack of sleep; I’m not sure I want to go through pregnancy and birth again for a host of reasons, and I don't want to feel financially straitened, which we definitely would if we had another set of nursery and school fees to pay.

Honestly my biggest fear is that if something were to happen to my child, DH and I would be left with nothing. If we had a second, at least we'd still be parents if the worst happened - but I don't know if that's a good enough reason to have another child!