What’s so good about being an only child?

[Orangeandgold]

My daughter is an early teen, in year 7 and for the past 5 years she has been complaining about being an only child. She hates it!!

Me and her have a close relationship. We go out on weekends and if we have nothing planned we take a walk or do something local.

She doesn’t want for anything physically - she has her clubs, instruments at home that she is learning; we have a craft cupboard, a desktop - so lots to do.

I organise and encourage big trips with friends over the holidays and she has the odd “play date”. Her and her friends also have regular phone calls (I can hear their whole conversation as she usually takes the calls infront of me).

I have a sibling and I tell her that they are overrated but she seems so upset to not have one.

Id love to hear from people that are only-children. What was it like. How can I help her.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

I'm an only child and find it fine. I'm definitely not lonely. I think people who find it lonely need to put a bit more effort into friendships. I'm closer to my friends than some of my own family.

For everyone who suggests telling OP's DD calmly that she is not getting a sibling - maybe what she's expressing isn't that she wants mum to have a baby now. Maybe she's sort of realising that it's never going to happen, and is processing this. She is perhaps sad and frustrated that she hasn't got a sibling of a similar age to hang out with, rather than wishing for the arrival of a baby.

Tbh, I get where the DD is coming from, and it might be helpful for your DD for you to acknowledge that that feeling might never leave her. I still find myself day dreaming about how great it could be to have a sibling other than the one I have.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

Yanbu and I wouldn't be indulging her.

There's a weird kind of othering of onlies on MN. They are no different to kids with siblings - all are individuals.

My DD is 19 and has never had a problem not having siblings. And I've no doubt she would have been a great sister. She just gets on with the happy, fulfilling life she has made for herself.

I think it depends on the child. Our DS loves being an only child. He is happy to play with friends and family but he is very happy that he has his own space when they leave. He gets to choose when to mix and when not to. Our house is always open to friends coming and we have started to take a friend out with us as he chooses.

As he gets older again he may prefer a sibling but i can't see it and i couldn't think of anything worse than having another child just as company for our DS, so many of his mates just argue and fight with siblings its a shame. They come here to get away from them 🤣🤣.

Just sympathise with your DD but explain you dont get everything you want, especially a little person. Do they have a pet ?
Not sure why they would feel ganged up on, surely it only takes one parent to speak to a child at a time?

I grew up feeling like an only child as my siblings were grown and moved out (and away) by the time I started primary school. I did get very lonely but my parents facilitated a lot of contact with friends, and I’d sleepover at friends/them at ours a lot.

The grass is always greener at that age. I was an only child but knew a sibling wasn't a possibility due to a number of factors. I am in my 50's now and would like a sibling but also acknowledge that having a sibling doesn't mean they will have my back or even be a nice person.

Do you know whats worse than not having someone who remembers your history? Someone who missremembers them.

I hear you @Gritty! I'm one of 4 and when it comes to chatting about our childhood, well ... as the late Queen would say "recollections may vary."

Yeah I wouldn't shoot the child down when they say i wish i had a sibling, i think its ok to let them.vent, listen, express empathy and then focus on the benefits with an action plan to get a pet and hang out with friends more like others have said. Im sure the child knows a baby now wont feel like growing up close in age all those past years... i.would let them express how they feel.

I have 3 children and they get to do all of those things apart from the car but DS1 has just turned 17 and when he learns to drive will have use of our little car as DH wfh mostly and I work 5 min walk away so stupid to have 3 cars when we have 2 that can be shared between us as needed.

The only thing I find is that only children have something about them, they’re always a bit weird (which isn’t always a bad thing) there’s usually a moment where you find out that they’re an only child and you think, ah that explains it

Is it when they're arrested for being a psychopath or you catch them stealing your knickers out of the laundry basket?

Funny you should mention that, my friend was a nanny in America and her underwear kept going missing and they found it in the child’s bedroom behind the sofa where the child had been urinating on it.

I wouldn’t necessarily be trying to talk her out of how she feels. She maybe just needs some acknowledgement that it’s not the life she thinks she would have chosen. You certainly haven’t done anything wrong by only having one child and don’t need to be apologetic, but you could try saying something like ‘I hear you, you’d really have liked a sibling. It can be hard coming to terms with not having something you want. What do you think you’d have liked about it?’

To the people telling OP to stop ‘indulging’ this ‘behaviour’. Are you ok? Teenagers are allowed to have feelings and express opinions. I’m certain she’s not demanding a sibling from her mum, more just being open and honest with her about how she really feels. Just listen to her, don’t try and come up with every reason she should feel lucky to be an only as that’s just being completely dismissive and tone deaf. There’s pros and cons to everything in life, even as an only parent myself I can see the many cons to it and do understand why my DD feels the way she does

On these only child threads, invariably it gets mentioned that only children are able to 'have more' and 'be given more' and that they will financially benefit from being an only child. I appreciate that this is true, but I think we're missing something.

In the interests of balance, I have asked my four children if, given the chance, they would trade having a smaller family, for having more money now and/or down the line, and unanimously they have all said that they wouldn't.

Whilst they haven't really gone without much and they each have their own rooms, their friends, who mostly have two or no siblings, all go on fancier holidays, have more pocket money, the best trainers and clothes, and are driven about in flash cars.

We live in a very modest house on the wrong side of town, and I drive an old and very modest car. We haven't been abroad for over 5 years, but still they wouldn't swap their siblings for anything.

DCs don't always value 'stuff' and holidays and clubs over everything else.

Only child here..from what I learned, most siblings don't get on, most argue and fight and squabble over everything. Even if she had a sibling...the fact that there's an age gap would mean they would never be in the same class at school, even if you put them in clubs they would be in a different one because of their ages, and they wouldn't want to watch the same thing on TV or play with the same stuff as they would both be a different stages. As I've always thought also....if you end up with one of each a boy and a girl then even more possibility that their interests are totally different. It doesn't guarantee a friend and my husband has siblings and none of them speak. They all live far apart.

I've now got a child who I've made an only child because I feel I can give my child a better life as one. I can afford to take him to iceland and Lapland and disneyworld and go on loads and loads of days out all year. I get no tantrums and squabbles and peace, he has his own space and room and enough tike with friends for balance. I can afford to pay for his driving lessons and buy him a car when he's 17 and a deposit for a home. I can afford to let him have piano lessons each week, skiing lessons, swimming lessons and dodeball after school. It's things like life experiences and protecting their future that I can do better than if I had more kids. If I had 2 or more then half this stuff wouldn't happen. When she is an adult she will look at it all different.

I've read some total bollocks on MN in my time but this takes the biscuit.

Or, alternatively, you could use a kind and compassionate response, acknowledging that there are some advantages of having a sibling and child's feelings are valid (whilst managing her expectations and being clear)

I manage a team of 8 adults.

3 out of that team were only children.

Guess which 3 are the hardest to manage? They expect the team to revolve around them, they’re inflexible and expect to do very little for all the rewards. They don’t consider anyone else in the team but themselves and will actually find ways to make their lives easier whilst tucking up their colleagues- they have no qualms.

I'm actually quite fascinated by the clear difference between the singletons and the ones who came from families where there were brothers and sisters to think about

That said, only children probably think people with siblings are a bit weird.

@NeverGuessWho Great post

I see this with the people in my team. The 3 that were only children are very different to the others. I can’t quite put my finger on it either. There’s an element of selfishness about them that I don’t see with the others. Supremely confident too.

It can be a bit lonely and there's a lot of expectation. But you get more presents 😉. Agree though with a pp, a sibling now would be pointless because of the age gap.

People on Mumsnet are such dicks about only children! I’m not allowed to judge if you have a vagina like a clown car and have more kids than you can afford or give appropriate attention to, but my only child will be ‘weird’ ?!

Meanwhile, in the real world, people are all different and families are all different. There are no guarantees in life. Yes your 2nd / 3rd or 4th child might make a happy noisy home. Or they might have learning disabilities, mental health conditions, illnesses and personalities that ruin your 1st child’s life, and yours.
When you grow up, yes there are more of you to phone your elderly parents and host Christmas, and then there is someone to resent when you do all the care, and someone to argue with over the funeral and selling their house when they’re gone. Everything in life has two sides. People would be a lot happier in life generally if they’d find peace with their decisions, and their lot, and stop giving a fuck about what anyone else does!

YANBU to think she shouldn't feel her feelings. I was an only and hated it. Itt was very lonely. I love seeing my kids playing together now.

What do you mean? What examples of "selfishness?"