What’s so good about being an only child?

[Orangeandgold]

My daughter is an early teen, in year 7 and for the past 5 years she has been complaining about being an only child. She hates it!!

Me and her have a close relationship. We go out on weekends and if we have nothing planned we take a walk or do something local.

She doesn’t want for anything physically - she has her clubs, instruments at home that she is learning; we have a craft cupboard, a desktop - so lots to do.

I organise and encourage big trips with friends over the holidays and she has the odd “play date”. Her and her friends also have regular phone calls (I can hear their whole conversation as she usually takes the calls infront of me).

I have a sibling and I tell her that they are overrated but she seems so upset to not have one.

Id love to hear from people that are only-children. What was it like. How can I help her.

AIBU unreasonable to want her to snap out of it?

I was an only child for eight years and I felt constantly under the microscope, always in view and expected to perform like a companion mini adult. I had whatever I wanted, with two bedrooms full of toys in a too quiet house and I was bored to tears.

The relief when brother came along and took the heat off, jazzed up the house a bit and I could get into a bit of trouble was amazing. And then he grew up and we were firm friends and have remained so as adults.

Then it'd be all 3 versus him. My sister wasn't an ally. She was someone I could blame and vice versa!

I have an only child. She sees the rows and competition and often having to let little ones join in as a right pain. She has her own space and a lot less intrusion than if she had a sibling.

As others have said she also benefits from our time and money. She wouldn't be able to do half as many hobbies if we had 2 due to logistics as well as cost.

We try not to spoil her too much and always make it clear there's a limit to how much we can spend and make her wait for more expensive stuff but she loves shopping and does get treated pretty regularly

She also gets far more of a say in things. I might whittle down the options for something but she'll get a say in the decision too eg. On holidays

Basically she gets a pretty sweet deal!

Don't we mostly want what we can't have? I have a brother and we despised each other growing up, we had an awful relationship and I don't think we said a civil word to each other until we were in our 20s.

I'd tell your dd to be careful what she wishes for.

I’ve read a lot of these threads and whether a child is happy being an only seems to come down to:

1. Circumstance. Those who had plenty of other children to play with due to having lots of cousins close by or lots of friends locally that they saw frequently (harder nowadays as kids are busier with ‘activities’ than free play).
2. personality. Some people are naturally PollyAnna-ish, seeing the benefits in any situation.

As PP says, I would listen and empathize with your daughter rather than argue against her. No one listens to someone they feel has not understood them anyway.

I loved being an only. My neighbours were 3 sisters close in age to me, and we were very close. I also had different class friends and sports friends. So I wasn’t lonely at all, but when I craved solitude or reading alone, I also got plenty of space. I got the best of both worlds, i think.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. She’s allowed to feel the way she feels about not having a sibling, but presumably that’s not going to change decisions you make about whether or not to have another child. It is what it is and she needs to make the best of it.

I have a lot of siblings and grew up in a very noisy and chaotic household which I found very stressful. It was a constant scrum and we were always skint because there wasn’t enough money to go around. I remember we didn’t always get along and there were a lot of fights and petty squabbles.

I never wanted a big family because of this and have only one child by choice. It means I can really focus on DS and provide everything he needs and offer opportunities I could not have as a child because it would have been unaffordable/unfair for my siblings. Perhaps if you point this out to her and mention you are just doing your best she will hopefully understand.

Everything Meadowfinch said but add in was able to afford private school for one.

I’m an only, and badly wanted a brother when I was a kid, to balance out the difficult relationship with my DM.
As I’ve got older I’ve appreciated some of the advantages and now parents are elderly at least I have all the decisions - a burden but not complicated.
DS is also an only, we wanted more but I had 3 failed pregnancies after him. He’s quite happy, had always been able to make friends, we take his best friend away with us quite frequently; he’s also an introvert (carbon copy of his Dad) and likes his own time and space. Financially we’ve made decisions for him we could not have if we had more.
I talked it over with him when he was younger, can’t remember how old exactly, so he’s always known why.

YANBU. I’m not clear if you’re able to have more children or not as no partner is mentioned but either way you can’t have a child for your daughter. The only reason a child should be born is because the parent(s) really want a child. Your daughter is at a selfish age but you should explain this to her anyway. Also encourage her to problem solve- you’re not going to have another child so what other options does your daughter see to manage the situation? There should be some space for her complaining and you should empathise but there comes a point to say this is the situation DD and you will need to make the best of it.

Nip it in the bud. 'You are an only child, sorry to disappoint you - when you have children you'll know to have more than 1'
I could not be arsed to entertain this.

I fucking loved being the only child, especially as a teen.

I had the undivided attention, opportunities, and support.

I also got all the inheritance and the responsibilities of elder parent care. But I also didn’t have to argue with my siblings about said elder care.

We also had more fun on holidays because we didn’t have to “diversify the needs” of a larger group unless we holidayed with other people or course.

I have no idea what I have missed out on being an only child and I don’t fucking care because I love being the only child.

The only feeling that I ever had as a young person was relief that my parents weren’t going through the stress and divided attentions of raising another child! I only just realised that I never once felt any loss over not having siblings.

Is it the loneliness? Do you have a pet? A dog or a cat can be very healing and great company.
Maybe she needs to hang out with people her age more, specifically hang out with oher only children?

Neither DH or I are only's but we have an only.

Sibling relationships are not guaranteed to be good. My sister and I don't hate each other, but we're very very different people and don't really talk that often outside of family things. We do tell each other the big things, but mostly just get on with our own thing. I don't think we would be friends if we weren't sisters, just due to our differences.

She's also younger and has some additional needs, so my role was always less sister and more "look after your sister".

My DH gets on with his brothers well enough, but he is seen as the "black sheep" because he's done things his own way and on his own timeline. He is the handiest, most helpful, most chilled and generally nicest of the lot of them, but there's an ongoing "joke" about him being useless that really grates.

Neither of us wants either situation for our DD. And, financially and emotionally she will get a great life that we couldn't give her if she wasn't an only.

I'm an only and very happy to be. Have always been good at occupying myself and never bored. Everyone's different though, some only children are bored and would like siblings, others not so much!

I will admit, I come from a huge family and often wished i was an only because it was too chaotic, parents were SO knackered and felt experienced enough that they let us raise ourselves while they took a very laid back approach because they 'haven't killed any of us yet'. There was less of everything, no privacy, constant fights and mess. You also have no idea if siblings will be higher needs or like vastly different interests.

The number of siblings doesn't guarantee happiness and unity.

This is my experience too.

Was it purely personal preference to have an only, or were there circumstances that forced your decision? Because I there were, and you feel DD is mature enough to hear it, it might be worth telling her. It would put you both on the same side. I don't think you are going to get anywhere trying to sell only child status to her, she already knows what it is like.
I'm an only with twin daughters and one thing they get a lot more of is time without adult oversight. Sometimes I hear them arguing arguing then they'll shush each other because they don't want me coming in and getting involved! I notice your daughter talks to her friends on the phone in front of you - could you set things up so she can talk to them in private? There are tons of embarrassing but totally innocent things at that age that you don't want to discuss in front of your mum.

Your daughter is old enough to be told, calmly but firmly, that she isn't getting a sibling and that is that. 🙄

She has my sympathy - I hated being an only. But you are not being at all unreasonable. Life is what it is. As an adult she will eventually get the chance to build the family she wishes she had - i have three kids and love seeing them play, negotiate, chat and yes bicker. That’s what I wanted as a kid myself, I love noise and busyness. I actually ended up with three siblings eventually after both my parents remarried when I was 10. I love them and have a close bond, but as I was so much older we didn’t have the sibling relationship I wanted, so there’s nothing you can do there anyway. It sounds like what you are doing is what I’d suggest - she has a close bond with you. You sound like a great mum, just carry on listening and loving and don’t take this personally.

I second what PPs have said about trying to convince her that she is lucky being an only - I'd stop doing that. She knows how she feels, and for every negative scenario you put in front of her, she can probably find many examples of where the opposite is true.

Throughout the teenage years, her focus and source of fun will shift from you to her peers, and this should be encouraged, I think.

It's great that you organise big trips with friends in the holidays, but I'd make a conscious effort to encourage her to have her friends round at your house more, maybe have sleepovers - transform your house from the quiet 'just the two of us' house, to THE house where the action is, and where the fun happens.

Perhaps only then, will it seem that being an only child has it's advantages, because you probably have the space and the time to have a bit of an open house policy.

Maybe don't tell her what the advantages are, but take positive steps to turn things around, and then she can work out for herself that in some respects, being an only can be great.

For context, I'm not an only, and am several years younger than my sister. Growing up we had nothing in common, and she resented and bullied me for the duration of my childhood. She was cruel at times. We aren't close, she drains me as an adult.

Rather than make me want an only child, it made me want a big, happy, close family, and be determined to nurture the relationships that my DCs have with each other. I never wished that I didn't have a sister, I wished that I had more siblings, because then the chances of one of them being kind would be greater.

My DCs are incredibly close, and actively choose to spend time together, as a big group, and then pairing up to do things together, but they also get quiet time when they need it, and they haven't missed out on anything. They have what they need, but rarely more than they need, and that's an important lesson.

The eldest has moved out and is now married with a child. The others adore their nephew, and vice versa, and they spend as much time together as they can.

This is what I saw and wanted for my future self growing up - big families seemed such fun, and I craved that. I completely understand where your daughter is coming from.

Their lives haven't been all roses, we are still feeling from me leaving their abusive father, but throughout the trauma, they haven't just had me, they've had each other, thank God. They are quite PollyAnna-ish (good phrase from PP) in nature, thankfully.

I am an only. I think your daughter is right. It’s lonely as an only when a child and lonely as an adult.

Not everyone finds friendships a sufficient replacement for siblings. Friends come and go, siblings are different. And as a child, it's the small things your child misses probably. The noise, the peer to share experiences with. Whilst you're close, you're her mum, not a peer, it's different.

Having said that, there are obviously going to be positives too.

It sounds like you're trying to find positives and tell her what they are. It doesn't work like that. She is having her own experience of childhood and will organically feel it in the way she does. You can't tell her why it's good! She has to feel the way she actually does.

Kind of suprised she is complaining now. When I was young didn’t really give it much thought. Being an only child is fine until your parents die then it really really really sucks especially more if your a man as statistically you are more likely to not have a family so gets very lonely. As long as your daughter nourishes plenty of friendships and a family of her own she will be fine.

Do you know whats worse than not having someone who remembers your history? Someone who missremembers them.

Fair enough to morn not having a close sibling but a sibling full stop? That is romanticising it.

We hear threads on here of a family of 3 or more siblings but only one is doing all the care for their elderly parents because these days even if the siblings are nice enough they can move far away. It's not guaranteed they will share the burden.