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AIBU?

To ask how many of your friends you think are ‘Ride or die’ friends

174 replies

Girlsgirlsgirls123 · 06/01/2024 12:18

I saw a thread a while ago about the idea that most friendships are just ‘situational’ in which you’ll be friends with people out of ease (live in the same area, go to the same school, same job etc). Furthermore, my elderly dad (in the context of someone becoming unwell so moving back to their hometown) said that he found that a lot of the time ‘friends’ tend to evaporate in times of crisis. This got me thinking how many of your friends would you say are ‘ride or die’ friends who would stick by you through thick and thin and wouldn’t just evaporate when things got hard? 

OP posts:
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MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 07/01/2024 07:39

Four. We’ve been friends since school and I know they’d be there because they have been. Same as I’ve been there for them.

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OvertiredandConfused · 07/01/2024 08:11

A handful. I’m very lucky. We’ve been friends for more than 30 years and now live scattered 1-4 hours apart. We meet several times a year, combination of one to one and together.

I’ve become disabled over the last five years and they have been amazing - adapting a bathroom in one house so I can still stay over, hospital visiting with a four hour round trip etc.

Another was widowed a few years ago and several of us dropped everything. A couple of us took 10 days off work to be with her arrange the funeral (it was complicated).

I miss having someone geographically close if I need, for example, help with shopping or cooking if DH is away for a few nights, but we are there for each other emotionally anytime and I know they’d be there for something big.

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AliasGrape · 07/01/2024 08:45

I’ve 2 friends who have lasted the test of time/ distance/ both shitty and wonderful things happening to us all. Genuinely have gone above and beyond for me in the past and I’m sure would again.

2 more who I been friends with for 30 years now, but it ebbs and flows. Sometimes we see a lot of each other, other times we can go months and months. Always exactly the same when we meet up, always ready to help each other out if we can but maybe more ‘remote’ support as in phone calls and messages checking in.

There’s another 1 or 2 who are still good friends, we meet up a couple of times a year and keep in touch/ care about each other - but whilst they were utterly amazing through a hideous breakup and close bereavement years back (and I certainly supported them through stuff too) - they’ve ironically grown more distant through the ‘nicer stuff’. Marriage, babies etc - on both sides that’s taken up more of our time and focus and our friendship isn’t the same level now.

I’ve a newer couple of friends I’ve made since having DD, both have been through some pretty big and crappy things and I’ve very much tried to be there for them and offer practical support/ childcare etc too. Both have also been very kind to me and helped with things I’ve needed (dropping shopping and paracetamol round when were ill, childcare in an emergency type stuff). Remains to be seen whether this is just young kid situational stuff or they turn into the ‘ride or die’ type.

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HumTamborine · 07/01/2024 08:58

Apart from my family I'd say three women and three men friends. They're not a group of friends - I have individual relationships with all of them - but they do all know each other to varying degrees at this point. There would be different 'levels' of practical support based on our family commitments and where we live relative to each other but in all but one case I've had friendships with these people since school (now in my 40s) and they have been there for me through thick and thin. None of us are the talk-every-day, live in each others' pockets types but I love them dearly and we've seen each other through a lot. I consider myself very lucky.

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HumTamborine · 07/01/2024 09:03

LadyLolaRuben · 07/01/2024 00:10

OK to bury a body type situation - 6 would support.

Of those 2 would kill with me and bury the body.

Another 2 would want to know to support and give advice but not get directly involved so they never got into trouble and claimed they lnew nothing.

Another 2 wouldn't want to know until after the event - too honest but, would get me out of any trouble as much as they could.

Haha I love this ranking system. May have to adjust mine!

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AzureBlue99 · 07/01/2024 09:04

Zero

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Lwrenagain · 07/01/2024 09:06

I love reading about people's friends.
Although I hate hearing when lasses on here have crap ones, I just want to scoop them up and tell their mates "poster isn't playing out until you little fuckers be nice".

Anyway 😂 8 with 100% certainty. Some more creeping up, but those 8 little weirdos are my favourites. If I was financially extremely wealthy, I'd buy a street of homes just to have them nearer.

I'm someone who sees strangers and friends we haven't met yet which hasn't worked in my favour the majority of the time, but to have 8 people who'd do things for me I'd never ask of them, but know they'd do selflessly and never Lord it over me feels like a massive win to me.

We don't keep in touch constantly, we don't always remember important dates, but if there is any reason I need those 8, bereavement, if I lost a Job, relationship breakdown or needed to hide a body (which frankly with some of your "D" partners on here, my list is getting longer), they'd arrive with spades and flasks of tea and no questions would be asked.

I get sent from them all individually lots of of things about our friendship being important to them, some soul mate stuff, some green friend stuff, (think maybe a spiritual term) and I feel it back with them all. Except spiritual stuff because I'm a bad mood with all that. Gets on my tits but the sentiment is lovely.

I have wonderful friends I see very regularly who I'm close with, or mum pals etc and I love them dearly and I'm very happy to be in their company, but they're not ride or die friends.

I love hearing about people's friendship groups and setting people up with other People to be friends.
I set up 2 of my mum mates a few years ago, neither had nice pals and were very unhappy socially. Neither one I had much in common with nor could I be the friend they needed, so I asked them both to come over for lunch and they're now each others ride or die. I don't see them as much because I moved out of the area but if they upload pictures on insta together on days out with their kids or girls night, (they invited me to see barbie but I wasnt able to go), I absolutely love it. Makes my little fat heart sing ♥

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Vitriolinsanity · 07/01/2024 17:51

Well, to my joy (unique circumstances, truly awful and wouldn't have expected anyone not to hurl themselves out the nearest back door) all of them.

It's really true that you find out the keepers when the going gets tough.

My problem was the folk that professed friendship and then delighted in a little nonchalant backstabbing tried to gossip. Luckily the Many were well suited up to handle the Few.

If anyone in the Many can possibly guess who the are from this. THANK YOU! You have made the difference in ways you'll never ever truly know.

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whatthehellnow23 · 07/01/2024 17:52

3 I think and I know that's pretty lucky!

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Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 07/01/2024 17:53

6 - I am incredibly lucky to have a group of friends who are my family, most of whom I have been friends with for decades and we have already weathered challenges, dark periods.

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Moonshiny · 07/01/2024 17:56

If you would have asked me 3 years ago, I would have said 8. Now I know it's 3.
There's definitely no hard feelings there but it took me some time to reassess the energy I was putting into certain friendships and take a step back.

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Alltheshoes74 · 07/01/2024 18:09

I have 2 - had a particularly catastrophic thing happen in my life these 2 knew immediately. Trust them more than anyone. I feel very lucky

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Alltheshoes74 · 07/01/2024 18:11

Probably should add there are another 6 who I love to pieces and would do anything for and know it’s reciprocal but the 2 are of another level, closer than any family would ever be

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whittingtonmum · 07/01/2024 18:19

You only really know what your friends are like once the sh** hits the fan. People will surprise you - both in good and bad ways.

Having said that I only regard people as friends - not just aquaintances - if I think they are likely the ones who'd stick with me in tough times. I don't put much effort into hanging out with other types of people as it doesn't tend to be worth it.

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Benibidibici · 07/01/2024 18:22

To be honest since about my late twenties I've recognised that pretty much all friendships are pretty transitional/situational.

Ive actually found it much easier to make friends since. I don't try overly hard and am chilled about if circumstances change and a friendship peters out.

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Catpuke · 07/01/2024 18:37

One but even she has her limits - which I appreciate.

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TheaBrandt · 07/01/2024 18:54

Same beni. All abit intense. Also what about the numerous situations where strangers risk their own lives to save people? Never forget reading in the paper about a young school boy who jumped or fell off one of the London bridges. A twenty something woman shouted “why is nobody doing anything” and jumped in too.

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SnobblyBobbly · 07/01/2024 18:56

None. As my life has become more complicated and I've really needed reliable friends, I've come to realise that my sisters are my best friends in the way you describe.

That's not to say I don't have good friends, I do, but ultimately they just don't understand me on the level that my sisters do.

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Benibidibici · 07/01/2024 19:02

Snobbly - same here.

I do everything i can to foster a positive sibling relationship between my kids because I value my siblings so much.

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DeadbeatYoda · 07/01/2024 19:19

Several siblings who'd hand me whatever cash they could lay their hands on and hide me from the feds but that's family. Probably 2 friends who'd do the same. I don't have lots of friends but the few I do have are decent, lovely, caring, generous people.

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Nagado · 07/01/2024 19:21

Most of them. I’m very lucky with my friends and they’ve all gone above and beyond on more than one occasion. There are a couple I’d be hesitant to ask if they could help me dispose of a body, simply because they’re very well behaved and I know they’d panic, but I have other ‘dead body’ friends, so that’s fine (not that I have a plethora of dead bodies to dispose of).

Family wise, my DH, my DB and my SiL.

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SheFliesLikeABirdInTheSky · 07/01/2024 19:35

I've probably had about 20 friends in my life. (I'm in my late 50s now.) I've actually only got one proper friend left really - and I've known her since we were about 10. And even then she lives 35 miles away, has four kids - two aged 16 and 18 - still at home, and two in their mid 20s who have left. Also a full time job, a disabled brother who lives in her street who she runs around after (and is like a 5th child,) and a lazy husband who is like a 6th child! She has 6 siblings, and 14 nieces and nephews, and is always super busy. I am lucky to see her 3 times a year. I don't really think I could depend on her massively in a crisis. I wouldn't want to put myself on her - if you see what I mean.

The vast majority of friends I've had have turned out to be back stabbing, or obsessive and needy and clingy, OR they were OK, but flaky, OR they dumped me for other friends. And about 6 to 8 of them just ghosted me or drifted off and didn't contact me again. (Same thing as ghosting I suppose.)

I really envy those people who seem to have a big circle of friends around them. Even my adult daughter has got like, 15 or 16 friends that she's known from school and college and uni. She's nearly 30 now and has a bunch of proper genuine friends that she could really rely on in a crisis.

She goes on holiday with them, has them stopping over (for meals and film nights, and sleeping over,) she has shopping trips and beach days and meals out with them, and all sorts. I have never ever had that. Only one close to that is the friend I have known since we were 10. Used to go clubbing with her, lived together in Paris for a few months, went for meals together, went on beach trips together, and went to concerts together.

Had a great 5 or 6 years with her in my late teens/early 20s, but we drifted at around 23-24 and then reconnected at 38. We still have pub lunches and the odd night out, but as I said, it's 3-4 times a year only. And I am not sure I would want to depend on her in a crisis.

I've only ever had a couple of friends at any one time and some have not lasted any more than maybe 3 to 6 months ... Some of them more, but even the ones that lasted a couple of years ended up using me, scrounging money, borrowing things and never giving them back, contacting me only when it suits, using me for what they could get off me/get me to do etc, OR being really obsessive and needy.

I had a good friend in a job I had in the early 2010s, and we had such a laugh and SO much in common, and went for pub lunches and nights out every week - for about 2 years. But she ended up stabbing me in the back and twisting the truth about something, and throwing me under the bus at work. I nearly got the sack. I was so close, until I managed to disprove what she had said.

This was some 10 years ago, and I have found it hard to fully trust any new friend since. I have acquired a couple of friends in the last 8 years in my village. One turned out to be obsessive, ringing and texting me constantly, and calling at my home if I didn't answer, wanting me to attend GP and hospital appointments with her (and drive her!) and asking me about intimate and personal things in my life. (I am not proud of this, but I had to ghost her, for my own mental health and well being.)

The other friend, I have struggled with, because even though we got on OK, every time I see her (which is about every 2 months for a coffee,) she mentions this other woman/ex friend, because she knows her too, and just HAS to bring her into every conversation. SO it's putting me off this other friend now!

I really haven't got a really, really good true honest friend that could depend on with my life. Or ask for money from My husband - and my daughter are the only 2 people I can rely on and depend on and fully trust.

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ScarletWitchM · 07/01/2024 19:40

Two. Over the past 4/5 years, and particularly through Covid / lockdown years I reassessed my ‘friends’ and realised most were more acquaintances than actual friends. My real friends are just two people and they are great!
this realisation has actually changed the way I socialise and how I allocate my time to my real friends vs acquaintances

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DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 11/01/2024 05:23

@Benibidibici that resonates a lot with me. I sincerely wish I'd learned this much much earlier in life. It would have saved me from a lot of heartache.

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