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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why the hate for boys?

807 replies

Numberttwotwo · 06/01/2024 07:14

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 06/01/2024 09:00

I have boys.l whom I adore and wouldn't change. I had a shop assistant say to me recently in front of my oldest that "having 3 boys nearly killed her sister in law and having 2 was a struggle". My boys had been perfectly behaved in the shop and my eldest was paying for his item at the time. I was totally taken aback and made it clear my son's were just fine.

MIL actively favours her daughter's and granddaughters to the point she practically raises one of them and the child stays with her most of the time and it's making MIL very sick. She then wonders why her son's and grandsons are not that interested in her and we don't jump when she wants to visit. She only visits when she "isn't needed" to babysit her granddaughter but we are expected to just be available on the rare occasion she wants to visit and we should also be happy for her to visit at the boys bedtime on a school night (this is an absolute no).

She was terrible for constantly telling us how much more brighter and smarter her very favourite granddaughter was than our boys. However it became very apparent our boys are streets ahead academically than the child so she stopped.

Sadly for the other child she could do much better academically but MIL has enabled a situation were the child's parents have outsourced parenting to her and been allowed to prioritise partying and drinking. Had MIL stepped back years ago and let them parent I suspect this situation would be very different.

Newchapterbeckons · 06/01/2024 09:00

AssignedNorthern · 06/01/2024 08:51

This 👆
People who make these ignorant comments about the sex of a child are usually ignorant dysfunctional people in my experience. I always feel sorry for their kids (no matter what sex) because I know they will be raising them in line with some stereotypical bullshit. The posters on here who “thank their lucky stars their lucky stars” they didn’t have a boy (or girl) just sound dim to me. They show their ignorance in the way they buy into stereotypes. They also show their lack of confidence in raising a child.

pity them OP.

This is spot on

It’s really not about stereotypes or ignorance. I feel closer and safer to girls/women. The bond is deep and powerful. I like many men, and don’t have any great issue with boys either. It’s just my own personal preference.

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And what does that achieve?

What makes that a point to make? Because surely you aren’t saying someone is better based on their jobs?

Have you thought about why men may be more likely to lawyers and architects. And how maybe that reason contributes to some people being worried about having boys?

This makes you part of the problem. Not helping fix it at all.

LouMorris · 06/01/2024 09:00

Howbizarre22 · 06/01/2024 08:55

No thanks.

If you can’t see a problem with men in society you need a reality check.

Of course there are issues but listing a load of statistics in isolation is reductionist and worthy of tabloid headlines. Think critically beyond this and stop labelling the entirety of one part of the population as problematic if you have a point to make. It doesn’t help the cause when people do what they’re doing here.

Diamondcurtains · 06/01/2024 09:01

I honestly didn’t care with any of my pregnancies. I have boy, girl, boy. If people want a mini me or someone they can do “girly” things with they may be very upset. My daughter and I are close but we’ve never done “girly” stuff and she’s a female version of her dad. She looks absolutely nothing like me! Not one single feature 😂

My son however has always been very cuddly and a mummy’s boy. He's a big burly 16 now and still cuddles and hugs me all the time .

PickledPegs · 06/01/2024 09:01

It’s so sad. Every time you see a gender disappointment thread on here it’s about wanting a girl and being sad about having a boy.

I couldn’t imagine a nicer child than my son. If I have another I don’t care in the slightest if it’s a boy or a girl.

Maybe the problem is so many women have had bad experiences with men that they’re anxious about boys. But a boy you raise isn’t the same as a man you meet.

MsAnnFrope · 06/01/2024 09:01

i didn’t have a great relationship with my mum so was actually hoping for a boy as I thought that would change the dynamic. I was slightly disappointed when I found out DD was a girl bump!
11 years on I love being a mum of a girl but crucially realise that the sex of the child doesn’t make a difference, the type of parenting does.
FWIW my mum always wanted a boy because “they love their mothers so much”…

Howbizarre22 · 06/01/2024 09:02

LouMorris · 06/01/2024 08:56

In relation to your own experience

No there’s definitely an undeniable truth here.

BestBadger · 06/01/2024 09:02

Well, I was a boy. I was close to my mum throughout her lifetime and was the one who cared for her towards the end, not my sister (despite the fact she lived nearby and was a nurse) So I don't know where the idea that mothers become irrelevant to sons is coming from.

JanuaryBirthdays · 06/01/2024 09:03

I have 3 boys, and I find it's the other way. So many people slag off their little girls telling me how lucky I am and how they prefer boys and how much easier my life will be. To be honest I do cringe when people say this, it's not fair to say that one sex is better or easier than the other.

I don't take much notice anymore.

Greengagesnfennel · 06/01/2024 09:03

I voted yabu because I don't see this. The world over still prefers boys. The chat you are hearing is an emerging pushback reaction to that, but it still does not come anywhere close to the preference for having a son. Particularly in the older generation. I think the 'keeping the family name going' is still a thing.

Strictlymad · 06/01/2024 09:05

I’m sure there’s an element of ‘girl baby shopping’ in it, the cute little dresses and pink bunnies etc. I was put off boys by comments like these but now have the most lovely little boy, and have mum friends who have gorgeous boys too. Poor parenting can raise a horrid spoilt spiteful girl just as much as a overly boisterous boy imo

Cherryhill22 · 06/01/2024 09:06

If it's any comfort my son's are exceptionally close to our parents and take good care of them. My family are from the east and culturally boys are preferred as they are often the caretakers of their parents in old age.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 06/01/2024 09:07

well my kids are older than most of the pps that have posted on this thread, i have a DD and a DS, both young adults. i have tried hard to be equal to both as a parent and seem to be in a stereotypical situation of my DS rapidly heading out into the world with little time for family and my DD being a good friend. DS is a lovely young man and i can't imagine him doing dreadful things but the fact remains that he's off doing his own thing. my DB is much the same, now 60 and again lovely but never much time for family, though we have reconnected slightly in recent years, after decades of hardly meeting, though we never fell out. i really don't know why or how to prevent this, it does make me a bit sad.

CurlewKate · 06/01/2024 09:08

I very much wanted a daughter when I was expecting my first-and I though only. I was actually hoping for a bit for my second. I was lucky both times.

There is such a narrative-even perpetuated in the slogans on baby boy's clothes that boys are difficult, high energy, a handful, so it's not surprising that some people are apprehensive. And also, I do think that thoughtful women are aware of the responsibility of raising the next generation of men. It's obvious from the fact that the vast majority of violent crime is committed by men and that the vast majority of single parents are women that there has been something wrong with the way we've parented boys....When I say we, by the way, I mean parents, not women.

TinPotAlley · 06/01/2024 09:08

All anyone has said to me is that boys are 'easier' when they are young but girls are harder when they are older (all the rows over clothes and make up!)

There is a saying 'A boy is your son till he finds a wife, a girl is your daughter all your life'.

TinPotAlley · 06/01/2024 09:10

I have several friends who have brothers (adults) and it's a common theme that the women (my friends) do the caring for their parents.
Societal expectations? Women's work?

PumpkinPie1990 · 06/01/2024 09:11

I have a 2 year old boy who is so affectionate and loving. I adore him and don’t wish he was a girl.
I think the dislike for boys come from our experience of MEN. We’ve all experienced bad behaviour from men perhaps more so than bad behaviour from women.
I do think generally grandchildren will be closer to the maternal side. If I think of all the men in my extended family and my male friends etc they don’t make an effort with their own family sadly. I have no idea the last time my husband phoned anyone in his family purely just for a chat - possibly years, whereas I phone someone in my family everyday. Anytime we do see his family it’s always organised by me. This isn’t a DH problem in my experience - it’s genuinely every man I can think of in my life. Not setting a great example for my son I know

Dentistlakes · 06/01/2024 09:13

I don’t get it either op. I have 2 boys and ban safely
say I’ve never particularly wanted a girl. My job is to bring my children up to be good people, independent and useful members of society. I didn’t have them to keep me amused in my old age. They aren’t pets. If they go off and live a happy and fulfilling life, whatever that looks like, then i’ll
be happy.

Dita73 · 06/01/2024 09:14

@Workingtomorrow i totally get your point but I meant it fairly tongue in cheek. Ultimately I don’t care as long as they’re born safe

theduchessofspork · 06/01/2024 09:14

This comes up on here quite a lot, although I’ve never experienced it in real life. In reality I do think a lot of men still want a boy and a lot of men and women want ‘one of each’.

I’m guessing the reasons are

Girls are perceived as easier to parent when younger, likely to do better at school, have fewer anti-social issues, and generally get through life with less hassle. This tempered by a belief that girls are much more of a nightmare as teens. It’s going to depend on your background and how you raise your kids, but it’s mostly nonsense.

A perception that girls maintain relationships with their families after marriage more, you will see more of your daughter’s children, and your daughter will be there for you when you’re old. Still some truth in some of this.

Belief that men cause more trouble in the world than women - not just in terms of violence, but in terms of not pulling their weight as partners, being less likely to parent well post divorce, and a lot of online battering of women. Undeniably truth in this, and while it doesn’t apply to many many men, you only have to read the relationships board on here to know that in degrees there is still a lot of it about.

I think it’s absolutely essential to call it out, but I think the reasons above are worth keeping in mind when you do - so something like ‘as the mum of boys it makes me really sad to hear you say that. My sons are fantastic little boys - affectionate and playful and friendly. I am bringing them up to be brilliant men who are respectful of women. Talking negatively about boys isn’t just unfair it makes that more difficult.’

I think the things to avoid at all costs is being derogatory about girls when defending boys. I guarantee you there will be loads of this is the replies here.

I do also think it’s worth keeping in mind people don’t think it’s a problem to be rude about boys/men because the world is still easier on them. This doesn’t make it Ok obviously, but still.

Verycherryberry · 06/01/2024 09:14

Some of these comments on this thread are really, really upsetting and ignorant.

Granted I've literally just had a second boy and he's absolutely bloody lovely. They are just as worthy of love and loving as female children.

My only sadness is that my daughter won't have a sister and know that bond but that's not a reflection on the value of boys.

Roastiesarethebestbit · 06/01/2024 09:15

I’ve never heard anyone say anything like that. I have one of each, but have friends and family with all boys and kids they get lots of comments about how
lovely it is to have a gang of boys that can all play together.

if anything I hear comments about how hard girls are to parent, and how awful the teen years will be!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/01/2024 09:15

Gummybear23 · 06/01/2024 08:49

I know many daughters who clash and some who have no contact with their mothers.

Personality rather than gender will determine relationships.

Agree personality is a factor. My DM and are actually incredibly similar but that’s why we argue as we both do the thing that annoys the other one. Much more than DSis argues with my DM. We all do things together but I would say my DM and I have the most in common so we like the same things on the whole.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 06/01/2024 09:15

I totally get it!

it’s a cultural thing.

According to my midwife who was in her 60’s …In the UK lots of parents wanted a boy first so they had ‘their son’ and then hoped for a girl so they had a daughter too. But having a boy first was really desired. Times have changed. My midwife thinks social media has a lot to answer for this because girls can be dressed up more as fairies etc and shown on Instagram.

I have two girls and a boy. My son is the most loving and affectionate of the three!

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