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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why the hate for boys?

807 replies

Numberttwotwo · 06/01/2024 07:14

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

OP posts:
Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:50

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:46

I think you need to read some male forums before spouting off about MN, because you clearly have zero clue.

You know what men on forums do when a woman is killed by her husband/partner?

They discuss the dead woman’s fuckability and whether she was a slut who deserved to be stabbed/strangled/battered by her husband.

So if you want to sue anyone, go back to your incel site and sue the men.

Show quote history

Mmmm, no. Those kinds of depraved forums aren’t for me, thanks. And I don’t think they should be the benchmark for any community.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 08:52

@Westernesse "No, that’s not what I mean."

What do you mean then? I do hate these dark hints. Speak your truth.

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:53

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 08:52

@Westernesse "No, that’s not what I mean."

What do you mean then? I do hate these dark hints. Speak your truth.

My post was entirely clear. I think you are pretending otherwise in order to dissemble.

No thank you.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:54

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:50

Mmmm, no. Those kinds of depraved forums aren’t for me, thanks. And I don’t think they should be the benchmark for any community.

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But these aren’t just obviously depraved forums. These are forums which are considered respectable.

But thank you for acknowledging male forums are depraved. Which is why you’re here on MN, because women are not depraved.

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:55

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:54

But these aren’t just obviously depraved forums. These are forums which are considered respectable.

But thank you for acknowledging male forums are depraved. Which is why you’re here on MN, because women are not depraved.

Edited
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No, I don’t think that’s correct. I’ll say no thanks to your attempt at gaslighting.

seems I have hit a nerve with what I said.

not to worry.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:56

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:55

No, I don’t think that’s correct. I’ll say no thanks to your attempt at gaslighting.

seems I have hit a nerve with what I said.

not to worry.

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I don’t think you understand what gaslighting means.

Not to worry, you can look it up in a dictionary.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 09:06

@Westernesse

"My post was entirely clear. I think you are pretending otherwise in order to dissemble."

Your post was entirely clear. You said that Mumsnet is a hate site that condones illegal discrimination against a protected characteristic and is therefore vulnerable to legal action.

I am asking you to support that view.

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 09:21

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 09:06

@Westernesse

"My post was entirely clear. I think you are pretending otherwise in order to dissemble."

Your post was entirely clear. You said that Mumsnet is a hate site that condones illegal discrimination against a protected characteristic and is therefore vulnerable to legal action.

I am asking you to support that view.

I’ve already set out my reasoning in the part of the post you have failed to quote.

it is my opinion and I’m not required to justify it. Some will agree, some won’t.

FridayButterfly · 07/01/2024 09:41

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 09:21

I’ve already set out my reasoning in the part of the post you have failed to quote.

it is my opinion and I’m not required to justify it. Some will agree, some won’t.

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Calling MN a hate site is a pretty extreme opinion so it’s not surprising people are seeking clarification!

Maybe the MN legal team need to come after you ;-)

CameltoeParkerBowles · 07/01/2024 09:41

Numberttwotwo · 06/01/2024 12:06

I am that 3rd daughter! Comments were directed to my dad who, to his credit, always shot them down straightaway.

To anyone who doesn’t believe these things are really said to me, you’re lucky to have not experienced them yourselves.

And to the PP who doubted if my boys are as amazing as I say they are; yes they really are.

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I have boys as well, OP, and I agree with you that your friends are being horribly rude. Imagine saying to someone, "I'm so glad none of my children are stocky / mixed race / physically disabled / fair-haired / knobbly-kneed / [any other immutable physical characteristic owned by the hearer's children]".
I can't say anyone ever talked boys down in front of me, but then I know a lot of other mothers with sons. A woman once said to me, in front of my children, "I'm SO GLAD my son is an only child. Only children are so much more well-adjusted than those with siblings". I said, "Do you lack self-awareness, or are you just rude?" It turned out her family had been pressuring her to have another, so she had grown quite aggressive about it, even with people who couldn't care less how many kids she had.

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 09:45

HRTQueen · 06/01/2024 13:13

I only have ds

I don’t see these comments as personal and have heard them many times but also heard negatives about girls

fact is on here some of our children will grow up to be some of those negatives and that most negatives in society are created by males

I’m doing my best to make sure ds isn’t in that group and that is the best I can do

and that most negatives in society are created by males

That's an awfully broad generalisation.

healthadvice123 · 07/01/2024 10:01

@mottytotty two wrings don’t make a right you know

5128gap · 07/01/2024 10:07

bluebeach · 06/01/2024 22:53

I’m quite guilty of often telling my girls that that being a girl is much better than being a boy.

I've left my DSs and DD in no doubt who are the fortunate ones. How else to we encourage responsibility in our sons and prepare our daughters?

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 10:10

healthadvice123 · 07/01/2024 10:01

@mottytotty two wrings don’t make a right you know

What ‘wrings’ are you talking about?

Brefugee · 07/01/2024 10:13

late to the thread and have not RTFT (so sue me)

I have only daughters. And so many people (men and women) said (mostly to DH) "so will you be trying again to get a boy?"

People are weird. The only thing i have ever said to my friends with boys is to wonder at how much teenage boys seem to eat. And wonder how they afford it (but not in a criticising way)

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 10:16

5128gap · 07/01/2024 10:07

I've left my DSs and DD in no doubt who are the fortunate ones. How else to we encourage responsibility in our sons and prepare our daughters?

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How charming for them. I can't imagine setting out to give a girl a chip on her shoulder and also belittling a boy by telling him he is 'lucky'. Good grief.

5128gap · 07/01/2024 10:34

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 10:16

How charming for them. I can't imagine setting out to give a girl a chip on her shoulder and also belittling a boy by telling him he is 'lucky'. Good grief.

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No, it doesn't surprise me in the least that you can't imagine that. The fact that you can't understand the difference between a comment on a societal context and the relative privelege and good fortune that affords the two sexes, and a personal belittling of a child indicates your lack of understanding of the issues we discussed. As does your use of 'chip on the shoulder' to reference disadvantage. Fortunately my DC are capable of the critical thinking and nuance to have understood.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 11:11

@Westernesse "it is my opinion and I’m not required to justify it. Some will agree, some won’t."

Well, if you are accusing people of illegal discrimination then you do have to justify it.

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 11:14

5128gap · 07/01/2024 10:34

No, it doesn't surprise me in the least that you can't imagine that. The fact that you can't understand the difference between a comment on a societal context and the relative privelege and good fortune that affords the two sexes, and a personal belittling of a child indicates your lack of understanding of the issues we discussed. As does your use of 'chip on the shoulder' to reference disadvantage. Fortunately my DC are capable of the critical thinking and nuance to have understood.

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I don't think that it is appropriate to give children lectures in sociology, let them figure it out for themselves. Just because it is your worldview does not make it correct. I'm very glad that my parents didn't spout woke nonsense at me.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 11:27

"Woke nonsense" 🤣🤣🤣

RocketIceLollie · 07/01/2024 11:30

Knew this thread would be headed for destination fucked 😆

VWCVVCWV · 07/01/2024 11:31

YankSplaining · 06/01/2024 23:22

I’m neuro-atypical (ADHD), so I apologize in advance for any lack of social graces in this comment.

I’m sure I would have loved boys if I’d had them, but I was happy and relieved to have two girls. I’m a SAHM and was planning to be since before I got pregnant, and if I was going to be the parent who spent more time with the kids, I wanted kids who were more likely to share my interests. Yeah, girls might not care about dolls, or making jewelry, or reading books with all my favorite literary heroines. And boys might. But let’s be honest about the odds - I was probably not going to have a little boy who was excited about the things I hoped to share with my child.

Mothers get blamed for everything that might possibly go wrong with how their son views women. Everything from “son is a serial rapist” to “son never unloads the dishwasher” - it’s always blamed on his mother and how she raised him. I don’t know any adult men who grew up to be close with their moms. There are lots of fictional examples of close relationships between mothers and their adult daughters, but what’s probably the most famous fictional story about an adult son and his close relationship with his mother? “Psycho.”

Culturally speaking, girls can do anything, but boys still get stuffed in tight gender boxes. A lot of the clothes made for little boys are just plain ugly. On average, boys are more badly behaved in the classroom, less verbal, and take longer to be toilet-trained. Boys are more likely to want to play organized sports, and organized sports bore me to tears. And also? Although I’m aware that it’s supposedly a normal developmental stage, it really unnerves me how little boys go around touching their genitals in front of other people. It feels violating how people just tolerate it and laugh about it.

I’m an only child - so, no brothers - and I was single-sex educated from age twelve onwards. Except for one kid when we were really little, I wasn’t friends with any of the boys in my class when I was younger. I don’t understand little boys. On one hand, people will say they’re not that different from little girls - then, on the other hand, when they do something I never did as a child, it’s “oh, that’s just how boys are.”

One of the little boys in my daughter’s kindergarten class is an adorable, sensitive, sweet kid. I’m sure I would have loved being a mother to a little boy like that. But then I look at all the little boys who are destructive and rude, and I feel like I dodged a bullet.

Your experiences are very different to mine.

I really enjoy the company of boys & men. I like fashion & wear make up everyday but when I was little I wasnt into dolls or making jewellery.

When I have our Granddaughter we mainly colour but I'm also quite happy to play with my Grandson.

I find my Son hilarious and loving but I also enjoy my Step Daughters company too.

5128gap · 07/01/2024 11:35

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 11:14

I don't think that it is appropriate to give children lectures in sociology, let them figure it out for themselves. Just because it is your worldview does not make it correct. I'm very glad that my parents didn't spout woke nonsense at me.

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Does it not concern you that if parents fail to educate their children about societal disadvantage because its 'woke nonsense' then we will end up with even more of the 'bigots' you are so concerned about upthread? Or is spouting 'woke nonsense' only a problem when it advocates for the rights of one sex, but not the other?

VWCVVCWV · 07/01/2024 11:39

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 00:26

97% of killers may be men. The way people on this site go on, you would think that 97% of men were killers.

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Absolutely this ^