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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why the hate for boys?

807 replies

Numberttwotwo · 06/01/2024 07:14

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

OP posts:
CadhlaWren · 06/01/2024 22:36

I think this is a mix of things.

  1. People seem unhappy/make comments about any child/sibling pattern that isn’t 1of each, 1st boy, second girl. It’s so gross. I had my daughter first and was still in hospital when PiL asked when I would be trying for a boy! I don’t think I would be been asked quite so quickly if I had my son first, but I could be wrong. You would get comments about boys loving their mum more than daughters do, or boys being easier to raise. When I did eventually get pregnant with my second so many people made comments or had assumptions that I would be hoping for a boy. I would have happily had another girl. But above all I just wanted a baby. 2.People are obsessed with forcing gender stereotypes on small children. And creating a mini me. My FIL is relentless with this and my son. 3.If I’m honest when I was having a boy, I did have some worries. It boiled down to the fact that I have very few positive relationships/experiences with boys/men. I was worried about whether I’d be able to relate to him. Obviously now I know I needn’t have worried.
bluebeach · 06/01/2024 22:53

I’m quite guilty of often telling my girls that that being a girl is much better than being a boy.

JMSA · 06/01/2024 22:56

I definitely don't hate boys and sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have one.
I have 3 daughters, two of whom are teens.
Life would surely have been easier Grin

VanityDiesHard · 06/01/2024 22:56

bluebeach · 06/01/2024 22:53

I’m quite guilty of often telling my girls that that being a girl is much better than being a boy.

You shouldn't tell them that, really. It's nonsense.

Fabvegetablegrower · 06/01/2024 23:04

I have one of each, both have their challenges. Ultimately they are both people and it really doesn't matter about their gender. Boys and girls both become FIL & MIL and we've all read the problems they cause. Wink

SleepingStandingUp · 06/01/2024 23:12

JMSA · 06/01/2024 22:56

I definitely don't hate boys and sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have one.
I have 3 daughters, two of whom are teens.
Life would surely have been easier Grin

I have twin 4 yo boys, I can offer to rent them to you for a weekend. Let me know a postal address 🤣

MaggieBroonofGlebeSt · 06/01/2024 23:13

Jeffsmeffsmiff · 06/01/2024 07:34

*TheJanuaryPinks · Today 07:27

YABU. This isn’t about you, or your boys. Stop trying to make it a personal attack.

Some people just don’t want boys. I didn’t. I thank my lucky stars everyday I got two girls.*

And

*Fairyliz · Today 07:28

Look around the world at all of the terrible things happening, 95% of which is caused by men.
They can’t all have had terrible upbringings so are men inherently bad? I don’t have any answers but it’s a risk when you have a child*

Are pretty much proving the OPs point what absolutely horrible comments. Especially the second.

Awful but that is Mumsnet for you. Lots of people on here who really hate men.

YankSplaining · 06/01/2024 23:22

I’m neuro-atypical (ADHD), so I apologize in advance for any lack of social graces in this comment.

I’m sure I would have loved boys if I’d had them, but I was happy and relieved to have two girls. I’m a SAHM and was planning to be since before I got pregnant, and if I was going to be the parent who spent more time with the kids, I wanted kids who were more likely to share my interests. Yeah, girls might not care about dolls, or making jewelry, or reading books with all my favorite literary heroines. And boys might. But let’s be honest about the odds - I was probably not going to have a little boy who was excited about the things I hoped to share with my child.

Mothers get blamed for everything that might possibly go wrong with how their son views women. Everything from “son is a serial rapist” to “son never unloads the dishwasher” - it’s always blamed on his mother and how she raised him. I don’t know any adult men who grew up to be close with their moms. There are lots of fictional examples of close relationships between mothers and their adult daughters, but what’s probably the most famous fictional story about an adult son and his close relationship with his mother? “Psycho.”

Culturally speaking, girls can do anything, but boys still get stuffed in tight gender boxes. A lot of the clothes made for little boys are just plain ugly. On average, boys are more badly behaved in the classroom, less verbal, and take longer to be toilet-trained. Boys are more likely to want to play organized sports, and organized sports bore me to tears. And also? Although I’m aware that it’s supposedly a normal developmental stage, it really unnerves me how little boys go around touching their genitals in front of other people. It feels violating how people just tolerate it and laugh about it.

I’m an only child - so, no brothers - and I was single-sex educated from age twelve onwards. Except for one kid when we were really little, I wasn’t friends with any of the boys in my class when I was younger. I don’t understand little boys. On one hand, people will say they’re not that different from little girls - then, on the other hand, when they do something I never did as a child, it’s “oh, that’s just how boys are.”

One of the little boys in my daughter’s kindergarten class is an adorable, sensitive, sweet kid. I’m sure I would have loved being a mother to a little boy like that. But then I look at all the little boys who are destructive and rude, and I feel like I dodged a bullet.

JMSA · 06/01/2024 23:25

@SleepingStandingUp

I have twin 4 yo boys, I can offer to rent them to you for a weekend. Let me know a postal address 🤣

My get-out is that I said I wondered what it would be like to have ONE GrinGrinGrin

KarenNotAKaren · 06/01/2024 23:25

bluebeach · 06/01/2024 22:53

I’m quite guilty of often telling my girls that that being a girl is much better than being a boy.

Why would you do that?

K37529 · 06/01/2024 23:27

I have two girls and one boy, and I love them all the same but the boy is definitely the easiest, not sure why anyone would think girls are easier they obviously haven't met mine 😂 oh and my partner is very close to his mum, he sees her almost everyday (we live close by) and our relationship didnt change that. I think the 'are you going to try for a girl' comment isn't because people are against boys, you would be asked the same if it was two girls. My second was my boy and people kept saying oh that's great you can stop now you have one of each, I think it's just an assumption people have that parents will want a mix of boys and girls rather than all the same sex, I don't think it's a dig against boys.

mottytotty · 06/01/2024 23:31

MaggieBroonofGlebeSt · 06/01/2024 23:13

Awful but that is Mumsnet for you. Lots of people on here who really hate men.

I don’t think having a preference for a particular sex when pregnant means you hate the other, as long as the baby is ultimately loved whatever its sex.

Please don’t forget we still in love in a world where female foetuses are aborted in preference to male babies. I think some people longing for a girl baby they can dress up and be friends with pales in comparison to this.

And being scared of men is different to hating them.

Useruser1212 · 06/01/2024 23:45

I have a 7 month old little boy who I absolutely adore and posts like this break my heart. I'm also pregnant with a little girl so I'm not being biased. I think people who make comments about the mothers of boys being ditched as soon as they get married are totally delusional! As many posters have said, it depends on how you as a mother treat his future partner. I feel privileged to have a little boy and I pity those people who think it's anything less than a privilege.

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 00:01

mottytotty · 06/01/2024 23:31

I don’t think having a preference for a particular sex when pregnant means you hate the other, as long as the baby is ultimately loved whatever its sex.

Please don’t forget we still in love in a world where female foetuses are aborted in preference to male babies. I think some people longing for a girl baby they can dress up and be friends with pales in comparison to this.

And being scared of men is different to hating them.

It is pathetic to be 'scared of men' if I'm honest.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 00:10

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 00:01

It is pathetic to be 'scared of men' if I'm honest.

Given 97% of killers are men and two women are killed every week, no, it’s not pathetic to be scared of men.

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 00:26

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 00:10

Given 97% of killers are men and two women are killed every week, no, it’s not pathetic to be scared of men.

97% of killers may be men. The way people on this site go on, you would think that 97% of men were killers.

Thedogscollar · 07/01/2024 00:31

TheJanuaryPinks · 06/01/2024 07:27

YABU. This isn’t about you, or your boys. Stop trying to make it a personal attack.

Some people just don’t want boys. I didn’t. I thank my lucky stars everyday I got two girls.

What an insulting and ridiculous post. As ridiculous as your post about dancing and dressing up in pink and cute things and princesses.

Do you realise how utterly ludicrous this makes you sound?

OP boys are lovely, girls are lovely ,babies are lovely.

rooftopbird · 07/01/2024 01:06

I desperately wanted a little baby boy, possibly because my relationship with my mother was very bad. He's the greatest kid in the world as far as I'm concerned!

Ocelotstripes · 07/01/2024 07:44

This is a modern ‘idea’ and a Western idea and always makes me laugh as you go to Asia or the Indian Sub Continent and it’s the complete opposite. And yes op the sorts of people who tend to be vocal about oh I want a dolly….are always idiots as an early poster said or quite thick….in all my experience, always a certain ‘type’.

I have one of each. They see my ML all the time as we’re 5 mins away….7 hrs away from my parents. Tells you a lot doesn’t it!

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:22

MaggieBroonofGlebeSt · 06/01/2024 23:13

Awful but that is Mumsnet for you. Lots of people on here who really hate men.

It’s a hate site really where attacking people due to their protected characteristic of sex is done hundreds if not thousands of times a day and is accepted by and large by the community and by its moderators.

it’s a shadowy reflection of the incel forums.

start attacking any other protected characteristic such as race or disability on here and the result would be very different.

Mumsnet will find itself on the wrong end of a legal case one day.

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:23

Useruser1212 · 06/01/2024 23:45

I have a 7 month old little boy who I absolutely adore and posts like this break my heart. I'm also pregnant with a little girl so I'm not being biased. I think people who make comments about the mothers of boys being ditched as soon as they get married are totally delusional! As many posters have said, it depends on how you as a mother treat his future partner. I feel privileged to have a little boy and I pity those people who think it's anything less than a privilege.

For those people it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Seen it happen many times.

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 08:41

@Westernesse When you say "a hate site" do you mean a site that acknowledges that we have an issue in society with male violence, men's involvement in family life and men's mental health? And that as a society we need to do something about it?

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:46

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:22

It’s a hate site really where attacking people due to their protected characteristic of sex is done hundreds if not thousands of times a day and is accepted by and large by the community and by its moderators.

it’s a shadowy reflection of the incel forums.

start attacking any other protected characteristic such as race or disability on here and the result would be very different.

Mumsnet will find itself on the wrong end of a legal case one day.

I think you need to read some male forums before spouting off about MN, because you clearly have zero clue.

You know what men on forums do when a woman is killed by her husband/partner?

They discuss the dead woman’s fuckability and whether she was a slut who deserved to be stabbed/strangled/battered by her husband.

So if you want to sue anyone, go back to your incel site and sue the men.

mottytotty · 07/01/2024 08:48

Useruser1212 · 06/01/2024 23:45

I have a 7 month old little boy who I absolutely adore and posts like this break my heart. I'm also pregnant with a little girl so I'm not being biased. I think people who make comments about the mothers of boys being ditched as soon as they get married are totally delusional! As many posters have said, it depends on how you as a mother treat his future partner. I feel privileged to have a little boy and I pity those people who think it's anything less than a privilege.

How silly, no one is ‘breaking your heart’, don’t be so dramatic.

Westernesse · 07/01/2024 08:49

CurlewKate · 07/01/2024 08:41

@Westernesse When you say "a hate site" do you mean a site that acknowledges that we have an issue in society with male violence, men's involvement in family life and men's mental health? And that as a society we need to do something about it?

No, that’s not what I mean.

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