To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

I know that violent crimes are mostly done by men. However I've got a son, brothers, nephews, a dad, grandfather's, male friends etc.. who are all good men with families and jobs and just normal people. So for me it seems really irrational to worry about having a boy.
I am admittedly closer to my mum than mil and she has helped me with my son more, however I still see my mil regularly and would never want to cut her off from my DH! We alternate Christmas and things like that to make it fair.

Maybe it makes more sense to worry about having a son if your personal experiences of men/boys are different. I do of course know people who grew up with absent fathers but it's never occurred to me that my child could grow up to be a terrible person just because he's a boy.

I'm sure you don't need to feel sorry for them. Boys are wonderful and girls are wonderful, and they get to experience the joy of both.

DS6 and DD3 are the absolute best of friends, they adore each other, and are always playing or cuddling up together. They're currently watching Wizard of Oz with an assortment of dolls and Cuddly toys and a bowl of Christmas sweets. They enjoy the best adventures and I love watching them incorporate all the ponies, dinosaurs, Dolls and other toys together to make games.

@milkywinterdisorder the reason I have a better relationship with my MiL than either of my SILs is because I was willing to put the work in to overcome her initial frostiness. Which had come about because of how the two who came before me (I was the last to marry in) behaved towards the in laws. My DH witnessed a lot of it first hand, it's not just her accounts of it I have.

There is an element of luck, and a lot of life, that plays into it. You could be the best MIL ever, welcoming and loving and caring. But if the new partner grew up in families where spouses don't talk to in laws, or are just the kind of person who doesn't want to do the "family" thing, you can't force it.

It’s not a conscious thing really but will happen in the majority of cases.

It’s not really about being in second place. Just that girls tend to want to spend more time with their own mother when they have kids. I used to go on loads of days out with my mum when the kids were small but only went out a handful of times with MIL, with or without DH, despite getting on well with her. DH just isn’t fussed about spending time one on one with his mum and the kids. I also speak to my Parents a lot of and talk about the ins and outs of daily life. DHs interactions with his family tend to be more functional. This means my parents know a lot more about what is happening in the dds lives than his do.

none of this is me intentionally putting MIL into second place. I really like her, but don’t want home her just for a chat like I would my own mum.

I worry so much about young women nowadays that I’m glad I don’t have daughters.

It’s great to be happy with your combination. But it is odd and patronising to feel sorry for others who don’t have the combination that you want!

All parents and kids are different and much can change over a lifetime.

Your child’s sex is only one factor in your family dynamic. And probably not the most important thing to focus on.

I only have ds

I don’t see these comments as personal and have heard them many times but also heard negatives about girls

fact is on here some of our children will grow up to be some of those negatives and that most negatives in society are created by males

I’m doing my best to make sure ds isn’t in that group and that is the best I can do

And I really wanted a boy … and if I had another a boy it’s a preference not about love

I've never met anyone like this. I have one of each and in my friendship group, we have 11 kids between us. Two of them are girls, the rest are boys and they range from 13 to 20 (my son). They've all grown up together, never been any issues with any of them. In fact my friend always says she couldn't cope with a girl because my daughter is always pinching my stuff. 😁

I don't recognise this 'boy hating' chat at all.

I do think there is a bit of ostrich thinking going on-there had to be something wrong with the way we parent boys or there wouldn't be the epidemic of poor mental health among men, of men leaving their children, and also of male violence. It's no use saying everything's fine when it isn't. There are a lot of people waiting to lead our boys astray if we're not vigilant.

I’ve heard people say some shocking things on this subject. I do wonder how parents expect to raise emotionally healthy boys if they openly express disappointment with their child’s sex.

If you're a mum of girls you get sick of "girls are bitchy/manipulative" comments. Mine never have been and they're late teens. I know loads who aren't.

I agree. I have found it almost easier to raise my daughter as I understand the issues facing girls more. That’s not minimising the challenges of course.

It is much harder to guide our son. To ensure he respects and understands women. But also to make sure he feels welcome in the world and not scared to be ‘strong’ and himself around women. He is scared of being seen as a predator even though he is the most kind and sensitive of my kids. But I also don’t want him to go the ‘other way’. For now he despises Andrew Tate et al. But what if he changes?.

I work in mental health so luckily we talk about emotions a lot. But I know he and his friends don’t do that as much as a group. He is lucky to grow up in a two parent family with equality at home (both work and do laundry etc). Not all boys have that. It is a challenge bringing up a boy in today’s world too.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos Maybe what’s seen by one family as “putting in the work” is seen by another as being pushy and presumptuous…

However, I don’t think my situation is that far from normal. In how many families is the male partner sorting out birthday presents for his wife’s family or arranging to meet up with them? In my experience usually it’s the female partner making all the effort on both sides. Maybe we’re setting a terrible example in many ways, but I think it’s good for my kids to see that this isn’t “wife work” as many men see it but something both parents should be doing.

@milkywinterdisorder my DH picks up things for birthdays/Christmas for my side cos he thinks they'll like it, and I do the same for his. It's not wife work. It's just family work.

I do sometimes wonder if we're the weird ones though. Although, growing up in a large family within a small village maybe my experience as a child differs and that's why my expectations of family differs.

So you know it’s not something people just say about boys then?

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos If my DH sees something he thinks a member of my family would like he’ll tell me about it and I’d do the same for his family. But come Christmas I’d never say to him “can you sort something out for my Mum” and I can’t think of anyone I know who would.

My brother’s wife does all the family admin for him - so she’ll text me to ask for ideas for ours kids’ birthdays, she’ll wrap the presents and write the cards and so on. One friend says she feels she has to sort out presents for her husband’s family because “if I don’t do it they won’t get anything”. You don’t see it as wife work, and neither do I, but a lot of families do.

The cold hard facts: males are responsible for the vast majority of violent crime and boys do tend to externalise their negative emotions much more as children, whereas girls tend to withdraw. I work in childcare and the children who are most difficult when they are experiencing psychological or circumstantial difficulties are nearly always boys. I have been hit and screamed at, have had my chair pushed away so I fell on the floor. A colleague has been spat at. This has only ever come from boys and never girls. Many women have had negative experiences with boys as children, or with men as adults. I have read horror stories about parents who realise they have raised an incel-type who has been radicalised online and watches huge amounts of porn but also hates women. Recently at a pool I watched a male child repeatedly bullying his sister, constantly grabbing her, pushing her under the water etc. She was very distressed and screaming at him to stop and I tried to intervene but he said she was his sister and he could do what he wanted. I have just never seen the same behaviour from girls. Whether this behaviour is inborn or socialised is up for debate, and I'm not saying by any means girls are perfect little angels, but I can understand women who see it and think that they'd simply rather have a female child.

I am the mother of a girl and a boy, and my little boy is a darling and I have never wished he was a girl or been sorry to have a boy. But I'm very glad to have one of each. I know a lot of parents with 2 boys and although they are all sweet children they tend to bounce off each other and go nuts way more than my kids do. Of course there are calm boys and boisterous girls, but statistically they are less common. Parenthood is daunting and many women have fears about who/what they are bringing into the world. I wouldn't personally judge them for that.

What is depressing is the general negativity towards children regardless of sex.

I must admit when I see or hear of some parenting approaches, to wondering how well these will pan out in terms of future male behaviour. For example, responding to a child's violence with an acknowledgement of their feelings and a cuddle. Or excusing verbal abuse or displays of uncontrolled temper as 'undeveloped brains' or 'hormones' and trying to empathise it better.

Unfortunately our society does a pretty good job already of teaching males that their feelings are front and centre and that other people (women) are responsible for the bad things they do and for fixing them, so I wonder how helpful it is to reinforce this at home, or whether a different approach is needed for boys to off set it. (Which is a genuine question, to which I don't pretend to know the answer.)

Ironic that a thread asking about the dislike of boys has turned out more misogynistic than anything.

A couple of cries of 'misandry' as a few women have pointed out concerns that statistically men are more likely to be criminals or violent, or less caring to elderly parents.

But plenty of comments saying daughters are into 'silly pink things' are full of drama, are not as simple as boys, have more hormonal issues, are more risk of being a single mum or working on a checkout as opposed to a high flyer, more likely to suffer from DV. Basically making women/girls being a victim more of an issue than men being a perpetrator. Gross.

Indeed.

I think the same can be said if you have boys and hear boy's comments.

Just totally unnecessary.

@nomoremsniceperson when I was growing up I was only ever bullied by girls so I don't agree with your post.

A typical MN response! We all know that it is expected that a man will, on marriage, forego his birth family and cleave only to the in-laws otherwise his wifey will be accusing him of not 'supporting' her!