To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

As a mother of both daughters and sons i can say that both have their pros and cons! Boys tend to be much harder work as toddlers/small children. Boisterous and very very active. However girls are far harder work in the teenage years and can at times be utterly vile! All mine have grown up now and im very happy to have them all.

I have 2 of each and adore them all 🥰 I must say I did have a preference for girls before having my children but now that my boys are here I wouldn't change them for the world. I probably would have been disappointed if I hadn't had a girl though, it is something I always dreamt of. I feel very lucky to have experienced both a son and daughter.

I think you're right. Also, there is a global preference for sons, to the extent that many societies commit femicide in various ways (and always have done) e.g. exposure of unwanted infants and now abortion because the child is female. This particularly affects societies that still pay dowries, though killing unwanted daughters seems to have gone out of fashion in Europe after the fall of Rome, perhaps because other societies valued women more (women had no legal existence in Ancient Rome, a fact which re-emerged in Europe after the Renaissance) and Christianity gave equality to both male and female in respect of God until the end of the Middle Ages (Medieval women in Europe had far more rights than any European women until the second half of the twentieth century).

A dd knows someone who aborted her 3rd after she found out that it was going to be another boy. 😰
She’d have kept a girl.

This was in the U.K.

I just haven't come across this at all, I really haven't.

I am 33 and have one boy and two girls. I am currently expecting my fourth and if you held a gun to my head, I would say I would like another boy to sort of even it out, but really I just don't care. I didn't find out the sex of any of my babies and won't this time either. In my friendship group it's more unusual than usual to find out the sex - quite upper class if that makes any difference (it often seems to on MN!) and I live in Brighton, which might also have some impact?

I am racking my brains and I honestly cannot think of any time someone has told me they have such a strong aversion to boys. Yes, they might say "I think I would prefer a boy/girl" but I would say that's evenly matched.

I have of one each. My DD is the oldest. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I remember seeing a friend playing with her girl and boy and having an overwhelming desire to have a boy. I was so happy (and actually just really fucking relieved as was a bit of a touch and go labour) that I’d had a boy.
I would say from experience that my girl is the easier child, but that doesn’t make me love my son any less.
I think some people have fixed ideas on how they want things to be?

As a mum of a young adult son and daughter, it is a mistake to get bogged down with stereotypes. They truly are different personalities and may turn out very differently to how you expect.

They will both face different challenges due to the significance of gender in today’s world. They need us as parents to listen and guide them as much as we can. And to steer away from existing societal constructs and expectations.

I am very close to my boy. One thing he is struggling to navigate is relationships with girls. Despite being thoroughly decent and confident socially, he is terrified of getting it ‘wrong’ with girls around consent etc. To a degree where he thinks it’s better to stay single. It’s a shame as he respects women and would never intentionally do anything ‘wrong’. But friends’ experiences have made him anxious. That’s a difficult one to advise him on. My young adult daughter faces different challenges, ones with which I am more familiar as a woman.

It is hard. But we need to navigate the future alongside our kids, communicate with them and not let sexist expectations influence our parenting.

What absolute nonsense.

Why would my son put me in second place (well third place really, as I’d expect his partner to come first) behind his ML?

Maybe these “lovely DILs” who’d happily have their partner’s mother treated like a second class citizen aren’t that “lovely” after all.

I have both and they’re all lovely 🤷‍♀️ wouldn’t change a thing.

I would’ve been upset if I hadn’t had a dd though - just being honest.

I've never met any person who has a hatred of boys.

I hate the behaviour of violent (usually) men, people (usually men) who abuse the trust of children, those (usually men) who use disgusting language in public and those (usually men) who exploit young (usually women) sex or porno. workers.
I hate the abuse of alcohol and the effect that has on homes with vulnerable children. I hate the terrible behaviour of arrogant people who take other people for granted in the work place, in the home and in community life.

I hold out hope that the parents of young boys teach them non violent, non exploitative, kind ways in homes where they do not see drunk, angry men to emulate and where they see examples of respect towards others.
My home was mostly like that. I love my son and brothers, nephews and all good men.

Some parents might not like the challenge of providing physical outlets of sport and outdoor play. I know of some women who enjoy promoting glamour and shopping.
Are they some of the ones (that I have yet to meet) who hate boys?

To anyone who doesn’t believe these things are really said to me, you’re lucky to have not experienced them yourselves.

I believe it. I didn’t have that said to me with my boys but it did irk me when I was told how lucky I was to have them instead of girls and girls are a nightmare. I could only assume they were speaking of themselves being nightmares because I sure was not.

My experience of Brothers must have been different to yours then.

I grew up two very close girl cousins who I loved too and I also have two close step daughters. My relationship with my Son is fab though.

This has been a disappointing read.

I have boys and they're really lovely. The number of people making comments was shocking, especially when it came from (now ex) friends. Some of them would make negative comments about having boys in front of their own sons and mine. I know I had some negative feelings about all boys based on my own experiences that I had to unpick but I don't get why people wouldn't make the effort to not pass on their own prejudice to the next generation. It's one of the nice things about having all one sex- you treat them all as individuals rather than a girl or boy.

The other thing I would call out is my experience has been some mothers making more of an effort to build a relationship with their daughters than sons, who then make more of an effort back. They then complain their son doesn't make as much of an effort as their daughter does whilst continuing to spend more time with her and help her out more. As if you'll ever make an effort with someone who constantly makes you feel second best.

So this must have been a minimum of 20 weeks? Regardless of the sex.
If her life was in danger, etc, then there are certain circumstances.
But people like her, for these reasons, should be sterilised. She shouldn’t be legally able to do this again.

And it would also be very egocentric of you.
Children are individuals and not just an extension of yourself and what you like.
If your girls liked more stereotypically boy things and not the “pretty pink princess stuff” I suspect that would be a problem for you.

I have a boy and and wouldn’t dream of changing him. I adore who he is.
He’s charismatic, bright and funny - he’s very popular with his peers both girls and boys. Purple is his favourite colour and his favourite toy at the moment is his wooden doll house, though he also likes cars, space and dinosaurs - you know, ‘boy-ish’ things too.
But most importantly - he’s an exceptionally kind, thoughtful little person and his gender is pretty irrelevant.

This is a really interesting thread.

I was terrified that I might have a boy.

On reflection years later I realised it’s because I haven’t seen any good male relationships, neither has my mum - and she would not stop telling me how disappointing sons are throughout my pregnancy (I had to tell her to stop, she had no self awareness just endlessly venting/bitching).

My mum is permanently disappointed by her sons. Which is her issue not theirs I have come to realise. It was a dysfunctional household we grew up in, her expectations of them are too high and her baseline is mistrust towards them. I’ve since seen other women of a similar age and the way they speak about and behave with their sons. It’s lovely to see these wonderful mother-son relationships.

I’ve realised now that there’s nothing bad with having a son, it depends what you make of the relationship you have with each individual child. And understanding that boys will interact differently with you than girls when they get older, but it doesn’t mean they are worth less.

Also, my step daughters are both amazing people but they are as different as chalk & cheese.

Look at the late Queen having 'reigned' during multiple conflicts, wars & poverty years while saying litterally nothing because she was the Queen - bad management of 'the world' has nothing to do with gender & everything to do with the personalities of the sort of people who consider themselves capable of running countrys, army's, mass finances & those who beleive they have a God given right to be better then every one

As for thr OP I think boys are lovely & thoughtful so hearing so many people say negative thing infront of your sons is incredibly disrespectful (for refference my aunt had 5 sons & never heard the end of it aswell even though her personality has always been loving towards everyone including her kids)

@CosmicCreeperstheCat No, that wouldn’t be a problem for me, and yes children are individuals.

However, all children are influenced by what their parents like and are into. The likelihood of a child being into hiking/abseiling/canoeing/fencing etc if their parent isn’t interested or doesn’t push it is unlikely.

More often than not children are into what their parents are.

Firstly, I think there's a cultural component. In many places around the world, girls are aborted, because boys are valued more highly. I think a lot of it is to do with daft gender stereotypes in the West. People want girls they can do girly things with, and who they can treat like a little doll and dress in pretty clothes. A lot of men want boys so they can take him to the footy and all that jazz. In reality, genetics have nothing to do with the interests of your child. You might have a boy who likes to play dress up and would rather host a teddy tea party. You might have a girl who likes to run around and play in the mud. I know I was certainly a tom boy growing up, and was much more interested in Pokémon and making mud pies than I ever was make up! As an adult, I can't think of anything worse than having to go shopping with my mum. I'd rather go for dinner then get back to my nerd hobbies like playing DnD or PS5 :D

And then there's the perception that as soon as boys become adults and get married, they don't bother with family anymore and stick to their spouse's family. In those scenarios, why not look at your own behaviour and consider why your child and his spouse doesn't like coming over? You hear as much about interfering mother in laws as you do detached sons.

It's okay to have a preference. It's not okay to be a dick about it. I'm an intersectional feminist and believe me have plenty of rants about patriarchy, but if you're worried about things like make violence etc, then why on earth would you want your impressionable young sons to grow up reading that a lot of women did not want them, and hearing about how much it sucks to have boys? Surely that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a bunch of men who WILL hate women? I'd be devastated for my child if I had a boy and he heard those things. Instead, try your best to raise your son away from toxic masculinity and to become a respectful adult.

Imo it's ridiculous to be having a child if you don't think you can unconditionally love either sex without forcing silly stereotypes on them.

I'm currently 17+2 with a baby girl. I'm same-sex, so me and my wife had a slight preference for a girl, just because we think we'd find it easier to raise a child the same sex as us in terms of being able to talk to them about their bodies etc. But I 100% would have loved a little boy just as much. In some ways, I feel a lot of pressure to raise a girl, because it's frankly a terrifying world out there at times for women, and it feels like a hard job to keep her safe. I'm also terrified of things like the impact of diet culture and gender stereotyping on her, because those things start pretty much immediately! Raising boys have their own challenges too.

Just love your LO for who they are, not what is in their pants.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos when/if they married and had kids, would I be lucky enough that they were willing to foster the relationship with our side, if their partner didn't want to bother with us?

I’m not sure it’s about luck - I’d imagine whether your kids’ partners “want to bother with you” would depend heavily on how you made them feel…

Only here on MN have I read such awful comments. I have two of the same sex. I love them dearly.

All if my friends have lovely relationships with their MILs and DILs.

The only time I get irritated is when I hear people saying “he is a mummy’s boy” because he phones his mum regularly or that mums of boys have to accept being second or third place in their sons love hierarchy. You can have different relationships with people. It isn’t a completion.

I would advise my daughter to choose a partner that has a natural relationship with Their parents. Ie a friendship.

I would advise my son to choose a partner that has a natural relationship with their parents. Again a friendship. Not a dependency and not a competition.

let’s just try to raise kind, confident children.

“but if you're worried about things like make violence etc, then why on earth would you want your impressionable young sons to grow up reading that a lot of women did not want them, and hearing about how much it sucks to have boys? “

this. I would feel so sad if my sons read some of the comments on this page from women, from the mothers of their future partners.

@k8ate you can have your results at 13 weeks now if you do the harmony test. I had the bloods taken at 10 weeks for the harmony and had to say then if i wanted to know the sex (i didnt), if i did then i would have been told at the 13 week appt when you get the other results back. It measures cell free dna i believe.

I don't think its your son 'putting you' in second place as much as you naturally falling into that position because other people will become the go to in your sons family before you.

Most (not all, but most) families still have the domestic, social and child related functions led by the female partner, who will more often than nor prioritise her birth family over her in laws. Few men in these circumstances will be motivated to challenge this and insist on their right to include their mother in everything their MiL gets to do.

I gave the example earlier in the thread of the birth of a grandchild. How many paternal grandparents are in the delivery room, asked for their advice, invited to stay to help with a new born, compared with maternal grandparents? How many sons would insist their wife gave their mother equal status here?