To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

I suppose it’s a matter of opinion.

my mother was a primary school teacher for 44 years (42 in the same school) and would tell you that on the whole girls are more complex and, unfortunately, difficult to deal with. Again it’s anecdotal but if you’re dealing with children day in day out for 44 years then I’d tend to think that you’d have a pretty good understanding of them.

I don't get it either.

My 1st is a boy, my 2nd and 3rd are daughters.

I was delighted when my son was born and I love him very much.

Back to your OP, its not because of their genitals, its because of their behaviour from what I understand.

Its really weird how people can be. They say these things sometimes without properly thinking (mindless chat), they lack awareness & some say out of underlying jealousy or spite, wanting a reaction or to suck your joy. Make sure your children hear you stand up for them & be proud of who they are in public though going forward!

I struggled with infertility & was over the moon to give birth to healthy babies without any preferences to sex. Every wee soul is deifferent, its how we look after them to help them grow that's important.DS & DD and my boy is much more loving & sensitive than the girl whos tough & independent, not girly at all which is fine. Be happy and thankful for your blessings & let NOBODY take away your joy.

People do spout a lot of rubbish and like to stereotype according to gender. Good parenting and teaching respect and kindness towards others is the most important factor contributing to the relationship you have with your child as an adult and the sort of person they become.
I have 2 boys, both are fantastic young men who still hug me daily when they are back home from Uni. They buy flowers for their girlfriend's mother on her birthday, pick up their female friends from the pub if they can't get a taxi. They are emotionally intelligent and kind humans, despite having a penis. You get out what you put in.

It’s odd people are saying this in front of you. I would ask them not to be unkind. It’s not right for your children’s self esteem. I think regardless of gender, your children won’t spend time with you if you are a toxic parent or mean to their partners so I can’t see that having a girl or boy makes any difference here.

I would parent boys differently however to ensure they aren’t victim to toxic masculinity culture or horrible stereotypes that seem to persist. Eg real men don’t cry, if a girl says no to a date it’s just coz you need to try harder etc etc. there are loads of proven cultural issues which feed in to this so as a parent of boys I would be working to protect my sons from that so they can be happy in their own skin. I don’t want them to have to be alpha gym bros only wearing blue if that’s not what works for them.

personally I felt if I had a girl I’d know a bit more what I’m doing as I am a female. However I feel more worried about their personal safety with the rise of incels and violence against women. I was grateful to have a healthy child. I think people who go on about it are likely going to inflict a load of stereotypes on their kid and continue the problem as they’ve already planned out life for their kid rather than getting to know their child as an individual. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah this is really sad. Hopefully they keep moving forward.

💯 you do. They sound fab, well done you for giving them this.

Teenage girls often aren't that loving and thoughtful 🤣🤣 My DS is not diagnosed, but obviously ND, and not big on feelings or empathy, so I'm not expecting him to be my carer in old age 😁, however so far, have not had to deal with the bullying and fallouts that were a big feature of my nieces childhoods - the boys just seem to rub along and stay friends. I do think being kind to future DIL's is a wise move - not that I wouldn't be anyway. Fingers crossed he picks wisely.

‘MyLittlePony, no suffocating pink or nail varnish on the sheets. No faddy eating, no teenage catty spite. Easy going about clothes, not interested in labels, couldn't give a hoot about 'influencers' or selfies or any of that rubbish.’

Do you realise how unpleasantly stereotypical your view on girls is? I can’t be bothered challenging how ridiculous each point is.

You should be ashamed of yourself as a woman. Anyway I am glad you didn’t have a daughter. For her (hypothetical) sake. Make sure you don’t pass on your biased assumptions to your son though. We don’t need another sexist man in the world.

Honestly, I think that is the healthy and sensible approach. All the people arguing there will be no difference and if there is, its your fault for raising a rubbish son, are actually perpetuating something potentially quite harmful. If you want a good relationship with your future DiL, I think its essential to understand and accept your 'second place' status, not deny it or fight it, blame your son or yourself or jocky for position with your DiLs family. Its also fine to be a bit sad about it as long as you pick yourself up and make the most of what you do have. Which if you're lucky will be a lovely DiL to add to your life.

Does this actually happen in real life? Loads of men want boys and loads of women want boys to please their partner, I can’t imagine the majority of adults prefer girls

OP, all the comment are said to express the feelings and opinions of the people who say them. They are based on what they have experienced in their life and influenced by media etc. they are not necessarily reflection of your family. it says more about their life experience than about your sons or you.

I am “lucky” as I’m told as I have 2 boys and 2 girls. My first was a girl (exactly what I wanted) and my second was a boy so I’ve always had both and always been told how lucky I am by everyone but if I’m being completely honest and I don’t admit this irl but I wish I’d had only girls, I love my boys of course and I do adore them they are wonderful boys but I always imagined myself with lots of daughters! There is a mum at my kids school that has 6 girls and I do envy her, would have loved all girls, never really wanted a son I don’t know why maybe as there’s mainly boys in my family and grew up around loads of boys didn’t really enjoy it.

I was talking to a young man last week. He was saying that he feels lucky and privileged to be a man as the world is still much easier for men. He said he knows that his life would be simpler and safer than his sister’s, and he feels guilty about this. He said he often feels embarrassed at the harm that many men have caused in the world. He has zero tolerance of Mansplaining and always raises it if his father does this. He hates that women sometimes cross the road when they see him walking down the road at night, but he completely understands why they have to. He is close to his mum and appreciates all she does and recognises that she has taken on most of the family’s ‘emotional labour’.

This is my 21-year-old son. He’s not perfect, but it is possible to raise decent young men who are aware of their male privileges, and who want to make the world a better place for women to live in, and who recognise the problems that some men have caused in the world.

I really wanted a boy and got a little boy. I had no desire to have another child as I already had two step children who were/are very much family. My friends don't favour their girls.

I wonder if it's women that don't have relationships with many men prefer girls. I have lots of women friends but grew up with Brothers, men friends and men colleagues. I love the company of them.

I gave specific examples from my family but I was actually thinking generally too. I just genuinely do not notice this notion that adult women are close to their mums and adult men drift away from their familes. It's not something I recognise. More or less every man I know is close to their parents and mums. Looking at Mumsnet, a large proportion of posts are about MILS so there are clearly plenty of mums of sons still very involved in their adult sons' lives.
Yes of course there are differences between men and women. I don't deny it but there are also huge variations within in each sex. A huge range of personalities amongst men and women. As I said earlier my son is like me and my daughter is like DH. Although I love them equally I understand DS better because we're so similar. Its not just chromosomes and physiology that makes a person but personalities too.

Some say the same about girls. A family friend had been trying for a few years. She said if it's a girl she doesn't want it. Luckily she had 2 boys but now has a granddaughter.

My nana favoured boys over girls.

If it works for you, great, although I find it a little sad that families can't accept the new members as part of them.

If this was our set up, I would worry that my children would see this as "normal", and when/if they married and had kids, would I be lucky enough that they were willing to foster the relationship with our side, if their partner didn't want to bother with us?

"Is anyone interested in the issues around parenting the next generation of men?"

I am! I've always had that thought in my head when I've been raising my boys.
It's more of a case of raising decent human beings, allowing them to be themselves and teaching them good morals and values, showing them that our feelings are all valid and have reasons but what matters is the actions around their feelings.
My boys are lucky because they have quite a few good decent men in their lives too.

Me too! What was she going to do if it was a boy?

No idea. Our adult son is a fabulous human being and our little grandson a delight.

I've met some lovely sweet little boys, but I've also heard a lot of horror stories from friends raising toddler boys of trying to toilet train them, much worse behaviour than the ones toilet training girls - plus my over-riding memory of boys from primary school was gross dirty stereotypically male boys who would wee everywhere they shouldn't, constantly laugh about toilet humour and wrestle and cause destruction, and generally impose on other people.

So my opinions about young boys are based on lots of boys I've encountered over my life. I'm aware it's a prejudice. Ironically I'd be happy to have a son over the age of about 8 but I wouldn't want one in the younger years.

Nope I have 4 brothers think that’s what made me want girls 😅

I am that 3rd daughter! Comments were directed to my dad who, to his credit, always shot them down straightaway.

To anyone who doesn’t believe these things are really said to me, you’re lucky to have not experienced them yourselves.

And to the PP who doubted if my boys are as amazing as I say they are; yes they really are.