To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

No OF COURSE porn damages girls. But it's the boys who grow into men who watch the porn that damage the girls who might also watch it and think they have to agree to things they don't want to do. Things that hurt them and traumatise them.
Look, "boymoms" don't want to hear this, but there is a generation of boys growing up exposed to porn who will be unable to form relationships and a generation of girls growing up who very understandably won't want to have a relationship with them.

I've got mixed feelings.

I'd be thrilled with either gender, but I'd have more anxieties about having boys than girls.

These are based on my personal experience of boys.

I know these are not the 'rule' and it is completely possible to have exceptions to these cases, but it is just something objectively I've observed that makes me feel a bit sad.

1. The misogyny, my friend had to do a workshop on the rise of the andrew tate effect to a bunch of 13-16 year olds. She left almost in tears, the sniggering, the belittlement, the obnoxious opinions, all coming from boys.

I've got a friend with 2 teenage sons (one absolutely lovely) and the younger one who Is just a misogynist to his core, the language and demands he makes to his mother are vile.

I'm on twitter a lot, and the amount of teenage boys discussing content like how all rape accusations are 'fake', they only want a subservient wife etc. Its scary.

Again, I emphasis this isn't every boy, I know that, I know plenty of boys who aren't like that, the issue is I don't know a female equivalent risk that compares.

And I don't think its fair to say good parenting can prevent this, external pressures can be just too overpowering.

1. The adult relationships. My parents live far away, but they call most days, and either I'll go stay with them a few days every 8 weeks, or they come to me. We go to the beach, go on hikes, day drips, city trips, meals out etc. My husband has a good relationship with his mum, she lives 5 minutes away, but I couldn't tell you the last time they did an activity together just them whereas his sister on the other hand is always going for lunch and drinks with her.

Again, not a rule, and I can think of some male friends who do spend time doing nice things like country walks, meals out etc one on one (or with partner) with their parents, I can just think of more who don't have that relationship than do, whereas it's the opposite for daughters.

In terms of the baby/toddler/child stage, the gender makes no difference to me

If people are saying this in front of your sons it is unkind - and you should say you love having boys. But perhaps your sons are not the paragons of virtue you perceive them to be?

Some parents seem to think their offspring are a delight when they are actually pretty obnoxious. Mothers of sons more often seem to be blind to their offspring's faults IME. Of course it's not universal and I have had to try and explain to a mother than the reason no-one would play with her daughter was because of the girl's behaviour. Still far more common with boys.

I Have one of each and they are both amazing. They’re grown up now.

Have you read some of the nasty comments about girls on here?! Usually triggered by a woman posting about how disappointed she is to be having a boy. So everyone piles on and says boys are so wonderful but girls are bitchy, like pink glittery shit, are more complicated etc. Really pisses me off it does!

Thinking about it the only time I’ve heard this type of comment is from mothers of boys themselves saying these things and fretting about it when all our were kids babies /toddlers. It was mothers of boys being quite defensive and coming out with oddly sexist comments about girls which was odd as most of them previously were not like that at all.

That still doesn't mean that there are enough trans women to shift the dial to the extent that you are implying. They are quite simply not a large enough population, and it is highly disingenuous to imply otherwise. People who obsess about violent trans women and imagine that they are lurking under every bush are unhinged.

No OF COURSE porn damages girls. But it's the boys who grow into men who watch the porn that damage the girls who might also watch it and think they have to agree to things they don't want to do. Things that hurt them and traumatise them.Look, "boymoms" don't want to hear this, but there is a generation of boys growing up exposed to porn who will be unable to form relationships and a generation of girls growing up who very understandably won't want to have a relationship with them.

I have both & think it’s way more nuanced than the above. At the moment I certainly worry far more for my dds in a culture with social media where plastic surgery & posing suggestively half naked is encouraged. My 14 yr old niece hates herself because she feels she doesn’t look like an insta model. I sometimes work with teenagers & the girls have so much pressure to look a certain way, it’s really sad.

I'd hope we're all interested in the issues of parenting the next generation of adults.

I wrote a very long answer but it comes down to a think society accepts women on a multitude of formats. The perfect woman can be many things. The perfect man is an impossible balance between someone sufficiently manly to not get abused for being "wet" but not so manly and that he's arrogant. He (obviously) can't be violent but god help him if he couldn't defend his woman. He has to be a good Dad but he can't want to reduce hours and spend more time with his kids cos that's a woman's perogative. If the relationship ends and wants 50/50 he's doing it for financial reasons and of he doesn't want 50/50 he's a shit Dad.

Obviously there are tons of complications with raising girls, who are vastly more at risk of predation from males. Neither job is easy. I only have to do one of them three times tho

People who obsess about violent trans women and imagine that they are lurking under every bush are unhinged.

It isn’t that they are lurking under every bush. It’s that they are being given access to previously safe spaces for women, making those spaces unsafe. But we digress.

That’s lovely, but I was speaking in general.
Men and women are fundamentally different in general.
Pretending they are not is just made up 21st C crap. Of course both sexes can do whatever they want / behave in a non stereotypical way. No issue with that at all. But speaking generally men will usually act differently to women and girls will generally be closer to their mums iI adulthood than boys will- especially when it comes to having a baby.
You can argue that your family members don’t fit that- and that’s fine but for most it’s true.

I don't get the perception of boys at all. I have 3 boys and 1 girl and my boys are far easier most of the time 🙃

I think good parenting can overcome it. Im very very aware of the majority of men being offenders/abusers and the horrors of misogyny. from day one with my son ive made a conscious effort to make him question the views and behaviour of others. To be confident and assertive in his own views and things I've installed in him about society and right and wrong.

His father is a terrible person, and they dont have contact because of it . I've been very, very clear about why, how we have tried to fix it. How we can support each other, etc. I encourage him to ask questions if he feels something isn't right or if someone's behaviour makes him feel uncomfortable, and i tell him what's right and wrong.

He's an absolute gem, and i am so proud of him. School reports that whilst he's quiet, he's popular, and he will always do the right thing and not give in to peer pressure or bullies. I've made him very very aware that he does not have to agree with 'popular' views or trending, and ive also strongly made both my kids aware of social media, etc. I prob have exposed them to adult concerns a bit too young, but they aren't fearful of having their own opinion or saying no and long may that continue.

But speaking generally men will usually act differently to women and girls will generally be closer to their mums iI adulthood than boys will- especially when it comes to having a baby.

Not sure it’s that relevant any more, have you seen the birth rates?! 😆

There are some ridiculous things on here about boys. Some of you sound as if you belong in China or Hitler's Germany.

Of course you do, as do we all. But if someone mentioned that one of their children was now a SAHP despite being a trained beautician, while the other is a firefighter who plays rugby at the weekend, how much would you be prepared to gamble on the former being a son and the latter a daughter? You may disagree with the idea that there are stereotypes around male and female interests, but I'd be surprised if you genuinely didn't know what was meant by it.

I have two boys and I’d take them any day over girl tbh.

they’re straightforward and simple. From the stories I hear from my 10 yr old son’s class and from my friends with daughters, girls are more complex and a lot more difficult to deal with.

It seems to be shifting a lot worldwide. Developing a slight preference for daughters rather than sons seems to be a cultural universal as societies modernize.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1999-12/16/003r-121699-idx.html
Japan has had a slight overall preference for daughters since the 1990s or so. South Korea had made the shift around 15 years ago (the abortions of girls stopped around then). Even in China, more and more young urban families are preferring daughters.

Historically, women had little scope for their own tastes, and little say in family life. Sons were valued because a woman had little value of her own, and keeping her son emotionally tied to her was a way of having some power and influence in the family. Patrilocal marriage styles in many places, esp Asia, meant that women married “out” and tended to lose touch with their own families. It was not their preference, but they were forced to do it. A daughter-in-law was your servant and the one who waited on you in old age.

Nowadays, women have more choice and say in their lives, including in much of Asia. They’re refusing to move into their in-laws’ homes and insisting on having their own nuclear family households, and if possible tend to prioritize having their own relatives, not their in laws, nearby. Since they have more choice in who they’ll choose to support in old age, they’ll probably prioritize their own parents not their in laws, and they can’t be forced to do things they don’t want to any more. And with more and more women in the workforce, the bond between adult daughters and their mothers has become very important, as mum’s mum is often helping out with childcare. MILs can too, of course, but most women will favor their own mothers if possible.

Gender relations have - for the moment - remained more traditional on the Indian subcontinent than in other parts of Asia, but that won’t last much longer IMO.

I think it depends on the person. My daughter hasnt caused me one bit of bother ever. She's a brilliant sister and friend, kind, well-behaved, medium achiever but has other interests.
My friends daughter is evil incarnated. I honestly couldn't cope a day with her. Violent, disrespectful, bully, demanding, no manners, spoilt.
I personally don't think its a gender thing. I think its parenting and environmental... which the parents need to mitigate and educate about.

Well now you are being disingenuous aren't you? Because they are disproportionately represented in the crime statistics, both in the UK and the US.
There are so few of them, such a small population...but so many in (women's) prisons. Why is that? Are you one of those women who say "well, if a few women suffer so our poor oppressed "sisters" can live how they need to, then that is an acceptable price to pay.
Please take your libfem luxury beliefs and shove them.

I assure you that it works both ways. We have 3 girls and people always say “oh poor Daddy” or “God help him when they are teenagers” right in front of the girls. And when I was pregnant with number three people constantly asked if we were trying for a third because we hadn’t had a boy. People are just insensitive idiots.

Let's be honest - some boys are hard work. Some girls are self obsessed princesses. Most kids are just complicated.

They're nuanced people, like adults,not cardboard cutouts. I know adults who were really awful as children but are genuinely amazing, intuitive, kind people now. And gorgeous children who now have serious issues, and haven't fulfilled their early potential now they're adults.

Putting all people into two camps is just bullshit, whether they're under 18 or not.

Yes, again down to the parents.
I overheard my son talking to a friend who was asking could he play roblox with him later. When my son replied no im watching a film with my mum the other child ridiculed him. My son replied... you dont like chilling with your mum? ... i feel sorry for you mate.

In my family/culture it’s exactly the opposite! Those with girls are pitied. On giving birth to my sister, my mom was told “never mind, hopefully it will be a boy next time”

both notions are ridiculous. Thankfully, society is moving forward.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos My in-laws aren’t difficult, as such, is just that they don’t really see in-laws as family. My DH’s sister, for instance, told him that my brother’s children don’t count as his nephews; until we had kids I wasn’t invited to family events; I’m not in their family group chat, etc etc.

So the way we do things is that my kids’ relationship with my family is solely my responsibility and their relationship with DH’s family is solely his responsibility. And as far as I can tell this would only be a problem if DH were one of those men who couldn’t be bothered to make the effort with his own family. I don’t see why it’s my job to foster my kids’ relationship with their paternal grandparents any more than it’s my husband’s job to foster their relationship with my parents - as long as someone’s doing the fostering…!

I have boys and the only but I worry about is if they marry a woman and have children. I know I would come second place to the daughter in law’s mother. I had better take up a whole lot of hobbies and learn to accept it