To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

Weird.
i wonder what sort of parent someone would make if they had such strong resentment to having a child that wasn’t their preferred sex.

Pretty sure you know the statistics from the way you've jumped in. What are they again? Something like 50% of "transwomen" are incarcerated for sexual crimes while 8% of males are? Tiny.

Yes, that's true. But not for the reasons you think. The main reason more women now appear to be committing serious crimes - including sexual crimes - is that crimes by trans women (men) are now recorded as having been perpetrated by women. This is compounded by men who decide they are trans just before they go to court, thinking - rightly in many cases - that their gender 'distress' will prompt others to go easier on them. Google 'Not Our Crimes' if you don't believe me.

Better keep him away from porn then, which he's likely to see by the age of 8. Won't matter how "gently" you raise him if he sees women brutalised and objectified when he's forming his lifelong sexual preferences from watching violent porn. If you really want him to be a good man...don't give him a phone/internet as a child

But surely the above applies to girls too or are you saying porn only damages boys? Tbh I think hiding it is unrealistic, far better to have discussions about it.

The thing is, I imagine most people feel that however “perfectly nice” their in-laws are, they’re still more comfortable with their own family. I think that’s just natural, to be honest (though if you weren’t particularly close to your own family you might well prefer the company of your in-laws).

But it’s entirely possible to prioritise your own family without excluding your in-laws from your husband’s life. For years my DH and I spent Christmas with our own families rather than with each other - I’d never stop him seeing his own family, but at the same time, I wanted to be with mine. Similarly, in our family, he does all the birthday/Christmas presents for his family and he arranges all the meet-ups, just as I do for mine - if he wants to see his family he can, but it’s not up to me to facilitate that.

Prioritising your own family only means cutting your husband’s family off from him if a) you’re completely joined at the hip and b) he’s incapable of or unwilling to make the effort with them himself.

What a load of judgemental, prejudiced shite

Yes I work in ante natal care. It's quite awful sometimes. The other day I had a patient in clinic who had just found out her 2nd was a boy. She was distraught about it, this, in front of her 5 yr old son. Bellowing, I don't want another boy!! I want a girl!

The bottom line is that you can be as close as anything to your son, but once married it appears that in some cases it is possible that sons may drift away a little and spend more time with their wife’s family. I’m like to think I’m close to my son but now he’s married I’m usually the one who makes the effort to maintain regular contact. My daughters however contact me probably every day by FaceTime or text and are also very close to each other. They love their brother and he loves them, but he doesn’t seem to need regular contact with family as much as they do.

I make this comment because I think this may be the main reason that some women want daughters. It’s not so much to do with bringing up sons, it’s about what happens after that. Having said this, I have friends with sons who are married and who have great relationships with their sons and DsIL. Their sons are always phoning them and wanting to visit so each case is individual.

it goes without saying that the crass and insensitive comments experienced by OP are inexcusable.

I hated boys and didn't want them only because I had a friend who had two feral children. I didn't realise that it was just her children who were like that, and not all children. They were so awful that I thought all boys were like that, until other friends started having children. I have a DS who is the best child, absolutely everyone including his friends parents let me know this all the time. My dd on the other hand lol. My friend with the feral kids, well I just realised it was the parenting not the children.

So your DD isn't the best? As you say maybe it's the parenting! 😄

It is also the case when relationships end or if a man is widowed. He remarries or gets into a new relationship and the kids from his deceased or separated partner are not as important as the ones in the new family.

>all of the terrible things happening, 95% of which is caused by men.

Yet we are told most children are still raised by their mothers - so it's all their fault the boys turn out evil isn't it?

What about boys raised in same sex female relationships? Are they doomed from birth?

You can raise boys to respect women and others by being a strong woman with boundaries and clear consequences. You don’t need a penis to do that.

The bottom line is that you can be as close as anything to your son, but once married it appears that in some cases it is possible that sons may drift away a little and spend more time with their wife’s family. I’m like to think I’m close to my son but now he’s married I’m usually the one who makes the effort to maintain regular contact. My daughters however contact me probably every day by FaceTime or text and are also very close to each other. They love their brother and he loves them, but he doesn’t seem to need regular contact with family as much as they do.

My DH is much closer to his mum than I am to mine. I also know so many women who have very complex relationships with their mums whereas I don't know any men that do.

YANBU I have 3 lovely boys

@milkywinterdisorder I get that your relationship with your family is your priority, and it should be. Mine is.

By my daughters relationship with both sets of grandparents is also something I prioritise. Provided they're at least civil to me, in front of her, I don't see how what I feel towards them should impact her having a great relationship with anyone who wants to be in her life. My MIL can be difficult, I'll admit that, and I'm definitely the luckiest of her three DiLs with her because she actually has some respect for me. But I wouldn't leave my daughters relationship with her family down to just my DH to manage. In the same way that he wouldn't leave her relationship with my family solely to me.

His family are now mine by extension, and vice versa, and they're all my daughters.

If they're vile to you and can't treat you with basic respect, then I get it, you don't want to have your child witness that. But otherwise, it's about the child. Not the parents.

Terrible people regardless of which sex the baby was.
These people simply aren’t fit to be parents in my opinion.
It’s hardly surprising there’s so much shit in the world when children are being brought up and influenced by these type of parents.

Totally agree. I have a girl who can be who she wants. But my 6 yr old boy who loves nail varnish is unlikely to not get the piss ripped out of him at some point!

The bottom line is it depends on the personality of the child not the sex

Whether we like it or not, more people conform to gender stereotypes than don't. You only need to consider the children and adults you know and see round and about to know that division of interests, jobs, behaviour, family roles and lifestyle based on sex is still very much alive and well, so I think its understandable that a person having a child of a particular sex will have certain expectations as to what parenting them may be like. If not in childhood, when the difference is less marked, then certainly as they mature, when by far the likelihood is that your child will conform to many of the stereotypes for their sex. And this won't be your 'fault'.

No one i know is like this?

This is a weird thread. When I was pregnant in the 00s it was still 50/50 as to whether people found out the gender and didn’t seem to care as much as this thread suggests. The only discussed win was the “pair” - one of each, but that wasn’t even a big deal as it was offset by the “best friends” aspect in having two the same gender.
Is it Instagram/SM and the photograph opportunity in dressing up that is driving this new phenomenon?

This may have been meant ironically but I do think it’s symptomatic of the attitude that raising children is just a matter of raising them to be X and then they will be Y. It isn’t. It’s unclear how much is societal and how much is inherent but it definitely isn’t solely about upbringing.

I think this explains alot of it. There's no denying the fact, the vast majority of people who do terrible terrible things are men. Not to say there aren't women who do terrible things too, but on the whole, murder, violence, terrorism, abuse, usually falls at the hands of men. 93% of the prison population is male. And I think many women worry about raising another statistic. Alot feel it is safer and easier to raise stereotypically kind, caring daughters than to be able to do the same with boys. BUT on the flip side, I have two daughters, and I actually sometimes wish I'd had boys, as I worry about the type of relationships they may end up in (if they grow up to be hetrosexual), seeing what some of my friends put up with, and the low level abuse they receive from their partners. My husband is extremely kind, gentle and loving, and I just pray there are more men like him in the world as my daughters grow up.

Whether we like it or not, more people conform to gender stereotypes than don't. You only need to consider the children and adults you know and see round and about to know that division of interests, jobs, behaviour, family roles and lifestyle based on sex is still very much alive and well, so I think its understandable that a person having a child of a particular sex will have certain expectations as to what parenting them may be like.

I don’t understand the above. Whats a typically female interest or lifestyle? I have female friends & family that are surgeons, accountants, solicitors, teachers, GPs, tech people. I also know males in those roles.

This. Looking at my kids classmates its not just boys or girls that are the horrors. And its the parents to blame.