To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

@VanityDiesHard exactly and i think womens serious crimes are on the up. Read much more often serious crimes where a women was involved now than ever used to. The stats in 10 years may be very different. In working environent i actually have always preferred to work for men as the few women bosses i have had , have been really awful, treated staff horrendously. I would obviously still work for a women again as i accept just unfortunate that the two/three i have worked for have been horrendous, and i have been lucky with the male bosses too. Thats the thing judging people purely based on their sex and sterotypes isn’t always the best way.

In many cultures it’s the opposite. I’d never had an engagement ring, so right after dd2 was born, dh bought me a lovely ring.

Immediate comment from non-Brit neighbour (Mediterranean culture), ‘You got that for a GIRL?’

Dh (from an all-boy family) and I have always been very happy with our girls, and contrary to what I so often read on here (teen girls are always a nightmare!) ours absolutely never were.

I did get broody again for a while when dd2 was very little, but it wasn’t because I wanted a boy - I just wanted another baby. (But it did wear off!).

Well that's a your in-laws thing rather than a general all in-laws are like that thing.

It's an awful thing to do to deliberately cut out your in-laws if they've been perfectly nice to you though. How would you feel if you had sons and you were just excluded from their family life just because their wives preferred their family?

I could rant about this all day long.

When I was pregnant with DS1, we found out he was a boy, people were generally positive and he was the first grandchild on both sides, so people were excited regardless.

When I was pregnant with DS2, 90% of the comments I got were. "Oh poor you, another boy? Are you going to try for a third to have a girl?"

I don't know why people feel the need to voice these opinions. I was just happy to have a healthy baby after suffering a miscarriage a few months earlier.

Now of course my brother and his wife are expecting and it's a little girl. And my own mother litterally said to me, "Oh thank god it's a girl! I have been praying everyday for one!" And then couldn't understand why I was annoyed by that.

If one or two people occasionally made ignorant comments, I don't think it would bother me as much. But it's constant! And a lot of time, said infront of my DS1 who is old enough to understand.

I will tell you this, my two boys are absolutely wonderful, and I love being their mum.

Having a preference and keeping it to yourself or discussing it before kids etc is fine.
I think the issue is standing in front of a parent and discussing why you'd never want the kind of child they have, uugghh, imagine!! I'd be soooo disappointed if I'd had what you'd have. You know they'll grow up to be X, Y, Z.

I've got a son with additional needs, and then twin boys. So my above thing about insensitive comments includes the "oh I couldn't do it" when actually very few people have their disabled baby / twins adopted, or my personal favourite "omg I'd have killed myself if I'd had twins".

@Fairyliz because that is changing admit that? As society changes so is the gender in crimes, we have more women prisons now ? You implied people don’t wnat a son as they may be a criminal, when 95% of crimes currently ( not sure how old data is) may be by men but that isn’t 95% of men is it ? How we bring up our children , can sometimes influence this as well( certainly not always) mens MH is often ignored even more than womens for example. There is so much more to it than just a gender issue

Because I personally have always found the majority of primary school aged boys I’ve met pretty irritating and those years seemed like something I would have had to get through had I had boys. Also because of the mother and daughter adult relationship which appealed to me. Not saying everyone gets that, but you’re allowed to have an ideal in your head.

my sister in law always wanted the rough and tumble life she envisioned with having boys. Not saying all boys are like that, but it was the picture she had and wanted pre kids.

everyone is allowed a preference, but preferences don’t have to be the same and one preference isn’t more or less than another’s. They’re personal.

@VanityDiesHard unfortunately the statistics aren't just opinion's. Men really are more aggressive and likely to commit crime. That's across every demographic and across the world.
Having said that I only ever wanted a boy. I was raised as a tomboy and navigating the nuances of being female seems a much harder job.

Its tricky raising boys for societies gaze though. They apparently need to have attributes like "character" and confidence but equally not be cocky twats. Kind boys but not too wet., geeky but also good at something physical. Otherwise prepare to be judged.

I'm a criminologist so the statistics do horrify me. It's mostly males who do the worst things, it's undeniable. Add in personal experiences of domestic violence, assault and sexual harassment (even in school uniform, bleh) and it doesn't paint a great picture. I'm pregnant with my second and don't have a preference because I believe the problem isn't inherently men and boys, the problems stem from toxic masculinity and patriarchal society! I have a daughter and she likes trains, cars, football and Pokémon. She also likes princesses and makeup. I think most people are happy to have a child who can have it all without judgement which is why you get people wanting girls.

Of course it is mostly males who commit the worst crimes and do the worst things. But it’s not “most males”.

Are you serious? Do you realise how statistics in all areas are being skewed? What type of "women" are you saying are committing all these crimes? Are they "women" like Isla Bryson/Adam Graham or Andrew Miller,,, and on and on and on. That thing that never happens, that keeps on happening.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos But you'd feel differently if they treated you like one of the family.

Maybe I would, but they don’t, so that’s totally hypothetical.

And, why shouldn't a child get to spend time with the people who loved and cared for their father his whole life? How is it different?

I’m not sure what you mean by this - I can only assume you’re referring to my kids’ relationship with their paternal grandparents. I don’t see how prioritising my own family would affect this - any time my husband wants our kids to see his family, they do. I just don’t see why I personally should act as though my in-laws matter to me as much as my own family.

My eldest is 17 and heavily involved in trying to tackle sex based violence by addressing male attitudes to women at a young age. I’m so proud of him trying to be part of the solution of the problems caused by many of his sex.

I have four boys. My family and I love them to bits. I am sure if we had four girls we would too.

Really what anyone else thinks doesn't matter one jot. Anyone who says stupid things like 'I'm so grateful I've got just girls or I adore having just boys' is probably an idiot with their own issues around their familial relationships.

You are lucky to have children to love. Many do not.

OFFS. Trans women are a TINY minority of the population, despite all the absurd fearmongering that this site does about this issue.

For every single parent female on benefit requiring extra family support and not being able to fulfil life opportunities, there's the man who impregnated her and walked away. So you'd rather raise the feckless man who abandons the woman he made a baby with in order than he can live his best life and tough luck on the grandchild you'll never have a relationship with?

I read this as "as long as they're camp", and while there's nothing wrong with being camp, it felt like a peculiar personal trait to peg all of your hopes on 😂

IDGI myself. I didn't mind about the sex, but seeing as I have boys I must admit I'm quite pleased for my kids that they will be physically better equipped to defend themselves against DV and less likely to be sexually abused. And have you seen the female beauty standards enforced by SM these days?

Sadly I feel the attitudes about baby boys sit alongside a "boys will be boys" attitude later on where problematic behaviour (violence and aggression) is not effectively dealt with during formative years.

My own view is that boys really need positive relationships with their fathers to develop well. Sadly many men are not capable of that due to the failures in their own upbringing.

YANBU I find this exceptionally irritating and had to endure this shite through all pregnancies, miscarriages, toddler groups etc.

The comments are usually from the sorts of people who don’t have much else going on in their lives and are chuffed with themselves when they produce a child of the ‘correct’ sex. They can’t change the sex of their baby, but they can change their outdated gender stereotypes and crappy parenting, so tell them to focus on that.

I hated boys and didn't want them only because I had a friend who had two feral children. I didn't realise that it was just her children who were like that, and not all children. They were so awful that I thought all boys were like that, until other friends started having children. I have a DS who is the best child, absolutely everyone including his friends parents let me know this all the time. My dd on the other hand lol.
My friend with the feral kids, well I just realised it was the parenting not the children.

Cute pink pretty princess things makes me feel depressed.

I think it’s complex and don’t have an answer.

I am the poor unfortunate soul that undertakes the ultrasound scan both NHS and private.

I do not understand how crazy people get for it. It’s just deep engrained gender stereotypes and defining them before they are born, I suppose. Just because they get their desired girl/boy that does not mean they will do XYZ. I find it hard to say nothing.

The comments when people do not get their desired sex are cutting and I feel so sorry for that baby. Sometimes the family are the ones putting on pressure.

I could go on all day and have some crazy stories and experiences based on sexing on scans that I just can’t believe even happened. Women wailing at the top of their lungs hysterically, barely able to breathe, and everyone outside the room waiting at the door to help, thinking the baby had died, when all I’d done is say baby was a boy.

women apologising to their partners for it not being a boy.

i could go on and on.

I had a slight preference for a girl which is what I ended up with. It's not that I don't like boys, it's more that I grew up with sisters, the kids next door were girls, and it just felt a bit safer and more familiar. But I think I'd have been equally excited to have a boy if it had gone that way. I know lots of boys now through baby groups and they are lovely.

I would say my brother has a closer relationship with my mum thatn me and we are quite close, she was also quite close to his ex wife and still on friendly terms due to kids etc. she has less of a relationship with his nee partner as she is more for her family and tries to keep my brother distant but he brushes that off. My own boys now older teenagers and one has a girlfriend of 7/8 months , she is lovely and welcome in our house to treat as her own and they come and go from our house and her parents pretty equally. Because we are not fighting over who gets more time etc as parents , both sets treat them as welcome and individuals and I think that works.xmas day they spent time with each of us, but no expectations were made.
two boys and loved being a boy mum but im sure would of loved being a girl mum too and just greatful to be a mum, lots don’t get to be, so we should not care wether boy or girl and just be greatful