To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

Weirdly i feel like I've heard the opposite. Boys are easy and fun and do awesome activities. Girls are just non-stop drama and blaablaa.

It seems like a lot of people who want a particular sex is because of a preconceived notion of what they are expecting (i.e. pink/princesses or trucks and rough and tumble) but if you're having that kind of expectation - it's not really what's in the interest of the child - it's what's in your interest as the parent.

Society considers it normal for women to be very close to thier mums. If a man has the same relationship with his mother, he is an icky mummy's boy who needs to cut the apron strings.

This in spades. Astonishing how many DILs expect their DH to have only minimal contact with their family while seeing their own as much as they like.

I’ve got 2 sons (29&27) and a 12 day old grandson.

When I was pregnant with DS1, I didn’t have a preference, but I really wanted a boy when I was expecting DS2 because DS1 had been a dream. DS2, however, was not. But, hey ho.

Our boys are completely different but they are very close. They are kind, caring and compassionate. Neither of them are horrible men. They both choose to spend time with us and their in-laws. DS2 sees his PILs more than he sees us because they live round the corner, not because of this ridiculous “your son isn’t yours once they meet a partner” nonsense.

When DDIL was pregnant she would text me to let me know how the baby was, send me scan pictures, tell me what the midwife had said and let me feel the baby move. She invited us down to meet the baby, we stayed in a hotel at my insistence, before her friends because she felt that was important.

You read a lot on here about when you have sons, you lose them when they meet a partner. You’ll never see the grandchildren and your DILs will never include you anything, but it’s rubbish. If you want a relationship with your grown up sons and his family you need to make an effort too, it’s not a one way street.

I think boys are easier, less complicated and less devious but maybe that's was just my experience?
Also I don't know of many boys that end up as single parents on benefits - requiring extra family support and sadly not being able to fulfil life opertunities as a result. Grandchildren are wonderful to have but the cost to a young daughter can be pretty heavy.
Girls are a lot more worry imo
The comments about girls being more likley to stay close to mother don't reflect reality. It's very much individual dependent.

I don't know why your friends made those comments specifically but when I found out I was having a boy I groaned because I'd only known mainly girls in my family and I am female so i was comfortable with having a girl more.

Obviously I love my boy an I'm glad he's male. You will have to expect not to be as close when your grandkids are born.. at first. It's not that the men are closer to their in laws, it's that the women don't want some strange woman in their home the day after they give birth when their vagina is healing but they will probably want Their Mum there. So that's just something us boy Mums have to accept. Bonding can happen slightly later.

But I don't get the comments about wanting to brush hair and put dresses on. And comments about girls being well behaved little dolls who just sit nicely are batshit. I have many nieces and they are as boisterous as any children should be.
That stuff is fucking stupid.

Honestly I've read utter hogwash on this site about girls too. How they're not cuddly or loving like boys are. How they're nasty and manipulative when they're teenagers and boys just have words and move on and are clearly much better communicators, how girls are disgustingly messy but boys keep their rooms tidy. It's all just shitehouse behaviour usually used to justify poor parenting and put others down.

Edited to say: I can see plenty of bullshitery above to confirm. Boys are less insert negative misogynistic trope here,

I prayed for a boy first time round. I don’t have any girls and if I have another I’d want a boy.

We have neices, early years it’s probably easier, but there is a lot of drama and enormous expense from about age 10 onwards. Not to mention more safeguarding issues with risk of pregnancy and heightened risk of assault. And personally, there are gynae issues in the family and other female related health issues.

It seriously puts me off further children.

Whether or not a son stays close to his mother and he and partner are involved in her care depends on the mother’s ability to bring up her son with a sense of responsibility and on her ability to have a healthy relationship with her child’s partner.

I love little boys. My adult son has been in a relationship for 17yrs with same partner and is far closer to me than his mother in law, I know he would never choose her over me, no matter what.

Such an assumption to make. My brothers see my parents more than I do and my parents are very close to their children. My DH sees his mum all the time, they have weekends away, just the two of them. I know loads of middle aged men who are close to their mums, despite being married with kids. I know several women who have strained relationships with their mothers.
Stop buying in to all these exist stereotypes.

In response to all the comments I would just say "I really love having boys, actually"

Without being too outing, my mil had multiple boys and kept trying for a girl till she had one. As adults, the boys have all settled down and got jobs/families and my sil is living a very chaotic life and causing mil nothing but stress, and it's actually her sons and thier families keeping her going!

but when she’s constantly got people saying things like you have ‘I thank my lucky
stars I got girls’ that kind of makes it personal don’t you think?

OP I have 3 boys and 1 girl and I get the comments about boys being closer to their in laws etc all the time. My OH though is incredibly close
to his family and so are our children - it’s all about how you make it xxx

We have two boys too and I completely agree with you. I got fed up of all the “are you going to try for a girl?” Remarks. When our second ds was born, mil actually said “ah well you can always try again”. I definitely think there’s a feeling that women are disappointed if they don’t have a girl, which wasn’t the case for me. There was a definite “ooo 2 boys, poor you” vibe. I did actually fall pregnant accidentally a few years ago and did have a girl and the amount of comments I got like “oh you’ve finally got your girl” really upset me. We love her to bits and can’t imagine life without her, but we weren’t trying for her. I definitely know where you are coming from op.

I think people are being rather disingenuous in pretending there is no difference in the adult relationship, that the stereotypes that make it different have somehow disappeared, and that if they haven't its because you've raised your son poorly.

I want my mum to be at the hospital to be the first person to hold my child after us. I want my mum to visit daily to help and offer her advice on our new baby, because I value her experience.

I want to go on weekend breaks, dinners and days out with my mum, just the two of us, while my partner takes care of our children.

I want to go round to my mums every Saturday morning to help her now she's frail. I don't think I should have to prioritise doing the housework at home over helping mum, as my partner has told me I should.

Most of us would find there was a huge difference in those statements if said by our sons rather than our daughters. Some times with justification. But different all the same.

My mil said 'another boy? I was hoping for a girl' when our 3rd boy arrived. My husband refused to let her see him for a few weeks. She also said 'how lovely to have a granddaughter at last' when pur daughter arrived a year later. She already had 2 grandaughters from her other sons. We were never close as I refused to ket her favour one grand child over the others.

My 3 boys are incredible. My 1 girl is too. They are all kind, funny, thoughtful. Because that's how they've been raised. They are not violent, messy, boisterous, because that's how they've been raised. The two boys who have left home visit regularly. They text and call whenever it suits them. Which happens to be regularly. Because that's how they've been raised... there's a pattern here...

Better keep him away from porn then, which he's likely to see by the age of 8. Won't matter how "gently" you raise him if he sees women brutalised and objectified when he's forming his lifelong sexual preferences from watching violent porn. If you really want him to be a good man...don't give him a phone/internet as a child

absolutely. Give me boys any day, ,and I am parent and grandparent to both

*I was very happy I had two girls. It’s about being into the same things, and being able to dress in lots of pink, pretty things. It’s about dance and princesses and cute things.

Yes, yes, yes. Lots of people follow the spiel that boys can like X too and do Y too.

But no, in the world we live in boys are generally ostracised for liking those things, and it would be inappropriate of me and wholly unfair to put them in a situation they would be negatively affected by just because I liked it.*

Had a girl a few months ago and I cringed at the amount of baby pink she was given and my boys weren’t just given baby blue when they were born.

Last I checked, many men get paid more than women when they do supposed “girly” things, Fashion Designers, Hairstylists, Chefs, Headteachers, etc..

Whilst I agree this can sometimes be the case, the men are know where this has happened were always made to feel second best to their sisters. If you bring your kids up with the view that ‘daughters are for life, sons till a wife’ then I imagine you reap what you sow…

what absolute crap.

To those who are glad they had girls you do realise they will probably be bitched about on this site one day by dil's 😂. Glad I had boys.

My teen DS is currently an absolute nightmare and my DD has always been easy and no sign of that changing. I doubt it’s because he’s a boy though. And I still think he’ll be useful and pleasant one day.

Weird. I have two boys and no one has ever said that to me.

It is so weird isn’t it. When I had my first, a boy, people were like what a shame the next one will be a girl….. I now have a girl, and without a doubt boys are easier! I have one angelic boy and a girl who is more boisterous than any boy I’ve ever met 😂 love them both but I’ve acquired more grey hairs and wrinkles since having a girl 😂

I don’t understand that attitude. YANBU. Those comments are both thoughtless and hurtful.
As a Mum of 2 boys and a girl, I must say the boys are very affectionate and caring. Not in the obvious way my dd is but in a more subtle way, which makes them very endearing.
Enjoy your boys and I’m sure you’ll be involved in their lives as much as you and they want in the future. Less of the stereotype’s is needed tbh.