To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

@Fairyliz what an awful thing to day. Those stats are changing as wel, bet they are very different in 10 years time.

Literally never experienced this. I’ve got a girl. I have heard numerous people so how much more challenging girls can be! 🤣

But why is the question. Not saying you aren't entitled to your opinion but is it because boys are like you, because little boys are horrid, because men are abusers etc? And what do you think would have happened of you had a boy or one of your girls transitions?

Mother of two boys here too. Before I had kids, I somehow imagined I would get on better with daughters (because I am also a woman? Now seems so stupid tbh).

adore my boys and wouldn’t swap them for the world (obviously). Find it a bit grim that we assume so much of personality based on a Y chromosome. That said, I’m a long way off having teenagers so maybe I will find that later stage tougher with boys? I have no idea yet. Then again, is my job as a parent to bring up good kind men and eg educate them about the unrealistic nature of porn etc.

I do worry a little (albeit prematurely - maybe they won’t have kids or will be gay) about the mother in law thing. I think it’s often a tricky relationship because mothers are seen as helping when it comes to eg advice on grandchildren where mother in laws are seen as interfering. Also I largely agree with how my mum parented us but have done things v differently from my MIL (who is a wonderful woman, so I’m very lucky).

The boy hate thing is widespread, I feel. So many people act as though I’m unlucky to have two sons. Personally am grateful I have two beautiful, lovely and (mostly) healthy children

I have girls. I wasn’t really bothered either way but suppose I felt more comfortable with girls because I grew up with sisters and thought I’d find it easier. I was wrong. My girls are very different, one a traditional ‘girly girl’ and the other a complete bull in a china shop type who loves mud and cars etc. The fact is I have to parent them differently and it’s not because of their gender, it’s because they are different people with different personalities.
Oh and my partner definitely sees his mum more than his sister does.

People who make these comments are just trotting out pathetic, sexist stereotypes because they are too dim to understand that the world has moved on (or at least some of it has).

I have one of each (teens), and don't recognise these stereotypes at all. I find the idea of wanting a girl so that you can do her hair baffling tbh. Dh and his brother are just as close to their parents as I am to mine.

I never get this ‘son is a son til he meets a wife’ BS. My dh and his brother see their mum loads - prob more than some of my female friends see theirs (if still alive)! All relationships are different.
I’ll admit I did want a DD and I had one of each - DD first - I have a v different relationship to each (they are young adults now). Yes, I prob ‘get on’ w DD at more of a ‘friendship’ level as well as a mum, but DS is attached to me and we can have a good chat and a laugh. It’s more ‘interests’ w dd as ds hates shopping, we have v different tastes in music, sport etc - he’s more in common w dh but that’s fine.
We all get on well as a family in general and that’s the important bit - I see dh’s family and there’s no particular warmth there even though they all see each other often.
I think boys are often more emotionally attached to their mums which can carry on through life.

From experience (2 sons, 2 DSS, all adults now) he's not going to share that aspect of his personality with you, you'll remain blissfully unaware of his filthy teen boy thoughts.

I have a boy and get the “do you want to try for a girl” comments. my reply is “We’d like to try for another baby when we’re ready, I’d be very happy either way, I’d actually love another boy”.
It’s so sad that boys are often thought of as not as good (though it really is only in a few areas of the world, of course the majority of the world it’s the opposite, though maybe not for the right reasons).

Kind of proves the OP's point.

My advice would be to stop worrying about it Pelham, I've seen my colleagues and my own sister tear themselves apart if they believe their DS spends more time with their DILs family. To the point of monitoring it on a calendar.
Focus on building your own social life and your own interests. When they see how fabulously interesting and "together" you are they'll want to be part of your life. As a young parent, I would have loved nothing more than being granted the freedom to live my life my way instead of being torn between spending equal time with grandparents.

@Pelham678 You only have to be on MN for a short time to see there are a substantial minority of women on here who think it's okay to prioritise their blood family over their husband's family in their family life.

I am in this substantial minority. Why would I not prioritise people who love me and care about me and have done so all my life over people who frequently act like I don’t even exist?

My DS is 2 years old and an absolute sweetheart (toddler tantrums haven't started just yet!). He is a complete mummy's boy and as the first in my friendship group to become a mum, I often have friends telling me their preference is now a boy having seen how he is. It's often people who are yet to have children who make these fly away remarks and they probably don't realise it could hurt your feelings.

I have three boys! I find it very weird and a little insulting that people would see me out and about with my happy, healthy children and feel pity for me.

I do worry that the boys will be distant from me in the future or I get a DIL who thinks it's fine to say no in laws for 30 days after GCs are born. I don't think that is always down to how they are raised or MIL behaviour. Society considers it normal for women to be very close to thier mums. If a man has the same relationship with his mother, he is an icky mummy's boy who needs to cut the apron strings.

If some people don't see their son after he gets married maybe they should reflect on how they treat him and his wife instead of blaming it on him being male.

Or how they raised him to see such relationships.

I grew up going to both grandparents’ homes several times a week as a child, often seeing both on the same day. My mom would take us to her parents and my dad would come to theirs and take us to his parents afterwards and then we would go home while my mum either stayed at her parents a little longer or drove home.

Definitely helped that both grandparents were a five minute drive, if that, down the street from each other.

My dad stopped by his parents’ home almost daily and still does to see his siblings who live there. My mother doesn’t see her siblings near as much, however she was the one who did all the caring responsibilities for both parents while one brothers did extremely little and the other NC (showed up to his father’s funeral though) while my dad still catches up with him from time to time.

@Pelham678 that is true and the mummys boy is often used on here but other way round its fine ? Why is that ok for a women to be close but not a man? You often see on here as well DIL who don’t want the MIL too involved yet its their GC too. Sexism is not ok but it does work two ways and many don’t see it when its the other way round. Same with babies only mum gets the say on what happens here as they birthed them etc, which to a certain degree like being close for BF etc is true but in other cases , why is dad not allowed an opinion too or to make some choices as legally they do have equal rights and if it goes tits up then everyone then says how they need to pull their weight , do their share etc which they do but should of been from the beginning.
and i know a few deadbeat dads but also know a few women who use the kids as a weapon too and desperate dads wanting to see them. Stereotyping happens all the time.
mumsnet at times can be quite sexist in itself.
mum of girls or boys ,people should just enjoy them for who they are and consider yourself lucky as some never get to have that experience.

It’s just that as a woman becoming a mum, lots of women feel they would relate to a girl better. I don’t see the mystery about it?
Also when boys grow up and marry (if they are straight) then the wife’s parents usually take precedence with many things. Daughters are often close with their mums for life. Even more so in adulthood. Men not so much.
I have both boys and girls and both are wonderful in different ways. The boys have been a joy growing up and so lovely and cuddly (girls haven’t)
But I’m fully aware that when they meet a wife and have their own families, they will probably think of me / see me less than my daughter does.

I was in the small camp of women that actually wanted a boy, as I have a totally female dominated family.

So of course I had a boisterous girl who we adore. Pregnant with 2nd, again hoping for boy but will be happy for health more than anything.

But surely that lasts for such a short time for most girls. I don't know that many 8 year olds still dressed head to toe is pink playing with their princess dolls unless they have really over bearing girls. Does that mean of your girl becomes a goth or if she'd liked dinosaurs and robots she'd have been a disappointment to you?

Have to admit I love buying girls clothes. It may not be forever but nothing is. You enjoy it while you enjoy it.

I think some yearn for dresses and tea parties, thinking that the DD will be their forever friend.
I had 2 DSs first and got some horrific comments. Someone just looked at them and said 'oh, I'm so sorry'. Another told me that I was still young and could try again.
As it turned out, we did have another child because we wanted one, and she is a girl. She is not particularly close to me at all, she's all about her dad! She refused dresses, pink and princesses from an early age, and much prefers football, mud and her brother's hand me downs. She is brilliant 😁
My DS's (9&10) are all about me- they adore cuddles and stories, enjoy going to town with me, baking with me and are very gentle and quiet.
I always wanted children, but never gave much thought as to the sex of the child. I know some women get very depressed about it though and maybe I should just be grateful I never felt like that.

Agree also can’t even begin to understand some people’s feelings towards having boys!

Kids pick up on so much - and if the boy ends up estranged in anyway from their family when they are older it’s likely a self fulfilling prophecy due to the parents assumption of their behaviour

Personally had mild preference for same sex as anecdotally when I was a child the mixed sex two kid families the brother and sister fought like cat and dog! Dh and his brother would play football for hours.

A 2005 study estimated that over 90 million females were "missing" from the expected global population, and suggested that sex-selective abortion plays a role in this deficit.

I don't think it's boys who are hated.

I did always want a girl. My DS is 3 and pretty awesome though. Chatty, funny etc. I wanted to buy cute girly clothes but actually find them boring now. There's lots of cute and interesting boys clothes and toys etc. Who knows what our relationship will be like in adulthood. I can only do my best. I was pregnant with a girl but lost her at 20 weeks and would have loved one of each. If I become pregnant again with a boy I won't mind at all though. I'll just be happy if they are healthy.