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AIBU?

Another wedding related one

140 replies

mrsclaus1984 · 05/01/2024 04:21

Around 5 years ago, DH and I, and my parents, went to my cousin’s wedding.
It cost us a fair bit to go, a couple of us needed new outfits as was upmarket venue, cousin had requested money for honeymoon as gifts, we needed annual leave from work as was on a weekday and not local. Etc etc.

(warning: this all sounds a bit insane - I promise it is real!)

Less than a year later, the newlyweds had separated. All swept under the carpet so we’ve no idea what happened.

At some point down the line (several months at most - can’t remember exactly), he’s in a new relationship. They get engaged and have a baby in quick succession.

That relationship ended too.

Last year, he gets into a new relationship. This was around 6 months ago. They are now engaged .. and we’ve just received an invite to their wedding later this year.

We don’t want to go. My parents feel the same way, but are aware of potential family fallout if they don’t go.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 05/01/2024 04:33

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. I don’t want to go is a perfectly valid reason for not going.

Just RSVP with regrets as soon as you get the invitation. No drama necessary.

Weenurse · 05/01/2024 04:35

Send regrets.

Bananaramad · 05/01/2024 04:37

Send regrets rsvp if probed have your excuses ready, already on holiday, can't get time off work, hospital apt etc.

PeloMom · 05/01/2024 04:44

I totally get it. Just rsvp no/ regrets. Conflicting commitments ( even if those are to sit on the couch)

Ohnoooooooo · 05/01/2024 04:59

You seem to be angry they broke up within 12 months after you invested in their wedding and then expect you have a right to know their private reason for splitting up.
don’t go but really the cousins love life is none of your business no matter how much you spent at his first wedding.

Ponderingwindow · 05/01/2024 05:11

I honestly wouldn’t even expect family fallout. The expectations are different for second weddings.

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2024 05:24

Why don't you want to go? You still have an outfit- think it's a bit mean really

Hairspray123 · 05/01/2024 05:32

Book a short break somewhere instead and say you are already away. Even if you dont book it just decide what you are doing and say you have.

Coffeespill · 05/01/2024 06:28

It doesn't sound "insane" these things happen. You have no idea why the first marriage ended.

There is no reason for a 2nd wedding not to be a celebration. If you can't celebrate it then don't go.

Nearlythere80 · 05/01/2024 07:50

it also costs money to have people at your wedding. Just let them know asap that you won't be there. Sounds like you haven't seen him socially between weddings so don't doubt they will be worried

CheeseWisely · 05/01/2024 07:57

Just decline the invitation if you don't want to go, but I'm glad my friends and family weren't so judgey when I got married for the 2nd time 8 years after the 1st time, especially given you don't know why the first marriage didn't work out.

Don't make up some nonsense excuse as suggested above though. Declining is adequate without lying.

demonheed · 05/01/2024 08:03

"Sounds insane"? It sounds fairly fucking regular to me. Either go or don't but let them know

GRex · 05/01/2024 08:13

I don't know why you find it so exciting; presumably the relationship with the child was an affair that broke up the marriage but didn't work out. Now he has someone new, hopefully he is putting in the effort with his child still, but people do have new relationships even when they've got an existing child. You don't seem to know the man, so just decline politely.

GreatGateauxsby · 05/01/2024 08:15

You’d LOVE to attend unfortunately you’ve booked a big family holiday that’s non refundable

with regrets you must decline…

fwiw I don’t think your cousins behaviour is normal. At all. He sounds a total car crash.

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 05/01/2024 08:19

I'd still go.

Hopefully he's grown up a bit.

Rumplestrumpet · 05/01/2024 08:21

You sound begrudging about spending all that money attending the first wedding when they broke up soon after. Imagine how they felt!?!?!

It's ok not to want to attend a cousin's wedding, but mean to be so judgemental about his previous failed relationships

HareSalient · 05/01/2024 08:37

You don’t have to go to anyone’s wedding, obviously, but it’s pretty odd to count the cost of attending this cousin’s first wedding against him because it didn’t last, or that he since had an engagement that didn’t require you to spend any money…?

I mean, how long would the marriage have had to have lasted for you to consider the cost of attending the first wedding ‘repaid’?

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 05/01/2024 08:39

Go, don't go that's your choice but don't hold a grudge against 5 years ago which may or may not have been his "fault".

Just do learn your lesson if you go - wear something you already own, book a cheap hotel if you need to stay over and a token gift (or none) for second marriages is fine

Asifiwouldnt · 05/01/2024 08:43

You don’t even know why his first marriage failed. She could have had an affair.

And what does the middle relationship have to do with it when it had zero impact on you?

Your choice about the wedding but your opinion of him is very judgemental.

I will also add the wedding outfits were your choice to spend on not compulsory and you can give a small cash gift that you can afford and presume you would have given a gift whether it was cash or something solid?

Why are people so judgy?

11NigelTufnel · 05/01/2024 09:02

Why are you taking is relationships so personally? I have been to a few second weddings and never thought to judge anyone over it. It's just a party where you can see some family. You can go and stay somewhere cheap nearby. No need for a present by a second wedding.

I have seen marriages fail for all sorts of reasons. Including that they shouldn't have married in the first place, but the wedding is booked and people are invited, so the pressure to go ahead is too much.

MojoMoon · 05/01/2024 09:23

Why don't you want to go? Because you think getting divorced and having a child out of wedlock is a sin?

Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and your guests taking a day off work and spending money on a new outfit does not change the odds of that.

It sounds like you don't like him so sure, politely decline the wedding invitation. I'm sure if he realised how much disdain you have for him, he wouldn't really want you there anyway.

InVinoVeritas110 · 05/01/2024 09:28

You're not being unreasonable to not want to attend a wedding. It's an invite, not a summons.

I don't really understand what the relationship history has to do with it though. It sounds like you don't want to attend the wedding because you're being judgy about it all.

Bonbon249 · 05/01/2024 09:28

This is modern life, people will no longer stay in relationships that are making them unhappy for whatever reason (and those reasons don't have to be explained to all and sundry) nor should they, life's too short to be miserable. Probably best not to go to the wedding if you're going to sit there looking like you've sucked a lemon, just decline the invitation, no explanation needed.

strawberry2017 · 05/01/2024 09:33

Just because they invite you doesn't mean they actually want you there. Sometimes people invite people because they feel they have to.
If you don't want to go then politely decline.
I read your post a bit differently to some, I don't think you are trying to be judgemental I think it's more that you have already spent a fortune attending one wedding for this person and their track record does tend to show they don't stay in relationships very long. You just don't want to keep spending your money on this person. So don't. You are not obligated to.

Gazelda · 05/01/2024 09:36

Surely a polite decline wouldn't create a big family fall out?

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