Another wedding related one

[mrsclaus1984]

Around 5 years ago, DH and I, and my parents, went to my cousin’s wedding.
It cost us a fair bit to go, a couple of us needed new outfits as was upmarket venue, cousin had requested money for honeymoon as gifts, we needed annual leave from work as was on a weekday and not local. Etc etc.

(warning: this all sounds a bit insane - I promise it is real!)

Less than a year later, the newlyweds had separated. All swept under the carpet so we’ve no idea what happened.

At some point down the line (several months at most - can’t remember exactly), he’s in a new relationship. They get engaged and have a baby in quick succession.

That relationship ended too.

Last year, he gets into a new relationship. This was around 6 months ago. They are now engaged .. and we’ve just received an invite to their wedding later this year.

We don’t want to go. My parents feel the same way, but are aware of potential family fallout if they don’t go.

Are we BU?

@SparklyTwinkleGlitter you're getting a bit overexcited.

Relationships can be messy. Nothing outrageous about this story.

Don’t go, you won’t be genuinely wishing them well. Not sure what the current fiancée’s done wrong but no benefit to her or them as a couple to have judgy sour faced guests there costing them money and energy.

Well, his love life sounds fast-moving - and I can see why you might be somewhat concerned about the durability/stability of this relationship as it comes so soon after recent turbulence.

I don't think it's right to hold the cost of the first wedding against him.

And this time, just go or don't go as suits you. I probably would, as I like catching up with wider family. But it sounds as though you really don't much want to, so just send your regrets.

Okay, he's jumped into the engagement & baby and this recent engagement a bit fast, but I dont see what's insane about the first wedding/marriage? Relationships break down, that's life. Are you actually being asked to spend loads of money again this time? I didn't find that bit clear.

Tell him you're busy but you'll be at the next one?

To be honest I don’t really understand why the relationship history is relevant - can you explain? It boils down to it’s this person’s second wedding - but so what? he’s not the only person to have remarried after all, people have different circumstances.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. But the way you think it will cause a fallout, suggests that your cousin might think you’re judging his life choices - which sort of comes across from your OP? It sounds like you don’t want to incur those expenses again for his 2nd wedding, but would for someone else’s first wedding?

Did you miss the part where he got engaged to another woman in between weddings, and had a baby with her!? So that is one divorce, one failed engagement with baby, and now a new engagement with a third woman. If you don't think that's insane, I hate to think what your definition of insanity is.

Just polite RSVP that you are not able to attend. The world won't stop its rotation if you don't go.

Honestly, I wouldn't go either. Especially if you have to get a hotel, or a child minder or other extra expenses. But then, I would also just send a card congratulating them and no gift.

Heh...go on I dare you.

I’m sure the break-up of his marriage was more upsetting for him than it was for you.

by all means don’t go to the wedding if you don’t want to, but you sound like his first marriage breaking down is a personal insult to you

This is his THIRD serious relationship in as many years, and he has a baby with the second woman. Of course the family are rolling their eyes. There is no way I would be supporting him in this chaotic behaviour.

I think all is need is the classic mumsnet line …'its an invite not a summons'

Do as you wish, maybe a little less judgey though.

I wouldn't go, just send your excuses. I don't understand all the people on here on this thread who are saying 'don't be judgy', and saying 'it's only his second wedding'. I can only think that they didn't read the OP properly and missed the fact of the engagement and baby in between the two weddings. Of course you're going to judge!

Not so upsetting that he didn't rush to get another woman pregnant, have that break up, and then get engaged again. Ridiculous, immature behaviour.

I think it’s a bit odd to take such a stance. The middle relationship doesn’t have much to do with it, or are you simply implying that his relationships don’t last? Again, bit odd - anything could have happened and she could have left him heartbroken etc.

I can appreciate that you don’t want to fork out loads of money for a second wedding but if it’s not necessary for you to do so (ie a local venue) then don’t. Just show up, with an inexpensive gift and celebrate. If it’s not possible to go cheaply then you can politely decline but then that’s the case irrespective of his relationship history. We’ve declined several weddings which would’ve cost us too much to attend.

Will it cost you anything to attend Wedding 2? If it’s local, on a date you don’t have work, and you can rewear an outfit, I’d be tempted to treat it as a day out to catch up with other family members.

A few aunts and cousins didn’t come to my sisters second wedding as they “already went to her first” The second ended in divorce too. Wish we all could have saved our money from the second wedding…..

Why don’t you want to go, is it the money or the fact that morally you disapprove of the fact that he’s had a few different relationships in a relatively short space of time? If the former, just do it cheaply (no new clothes/ hotel stays etc). If the latter maybe meet the person he’s now engaged to and get to know them as a couple? It’s a bit old fashioned to assume that only the first marriage “counts” although I do broadly agree that if you don’t want to go then just don’t go.

Could you lie and say you and parents have plans that day?

Or are they the type of people who would change the date for you?

Is this new wedding low key or are they asking for honeymoon money again? If you do, just give £20.

I can't see how your judgey as fuck attitude will be missed by him at his wedding. Just decline, politely if you can manage that.

I get it, its not about a second marriage - but given the timeline you have given he seems to be someone who jumps into marriage/serious commitment without a great deal of thought and you sort of wonder how long this latest one will last as well.

Have you even met the bride to be?

Maybe hang on a couple of years and go to the third wedding instead. Go to every other wedding.

I would politely decline but send a gift in this scenario - unless I was particularly fond of and close to the cousin concerned.

has no one been to a second wedding and heard the vows and thought "yes you said that LAST TIME"

(this was a second wedding of people who had an affair, left their partners and got married)

it just shows they don't take marriage that seriously in this case. i'd probably not attend unless, as a PP said, it was local and i would see other family so worth it from that point of view.

Have you looked up the stats on how many marriages end in divorce? And do you do a morality check on the circumstances of meeting before RSVPing?

I wouldn’t be keen to go because who at that wedding wouldn’t be thinking I wonder how long this one will last? If you’ve been engaged twice and married once and had a baby in the past 4 years it would be sensible to wait longer than 6 months into the next relationship to decide this is definitely the one and time for proposal 3. Just make up a holiday (and book it).

I think irrespective of his history, you don't need to go to a wedding if you don't want to, and should not feel obliged. Your reasons can remain your own. You may just have other stuff to do on that day. Just RSVP wishing them well and that's the end of that.