Another wedding related one

[mrsclaus1984]

Around 5 years ago, DH and I, and my parents, went to my cousin’s wedding.
It cost us a fair bit to go, a couple of us needed new outfits as was upmarket venue, cousin had requested money for honeymoon as gifts, we needed annual leave from work as was on a weekday and not local. Etc etc.

(warning: this all sounds a bit insane - I promise it is real!)

Less than a year later, the newlyweds had separated. All swept under the carpet so we’ve no idea what happened.

At some point down the line (several months at most - can’t remember exactly), he’s in a new relationship. They get engaged and have a baby in quick succession.

That relationship ended too.

Last year, he gets into a new relationship. This was around 6 months ago. They are now engaged .. and we’ve just received an invite to their wedding later this year.

We don’t want to go. My parents feel the same way, but are aware of potential family fallout if they don’t go.

Are we BU?

How do you know he was upset by the break up of his first marriage?

He's been in serious relationships with three different women in the last five years. Married one, got one pregnant, got engaged to the third after just six months. It sounds like an incredibly unhealthy relationship pattern. How well is he treating these women? He could just be leading woman after woman down the garden path and dumping them for the next one, in which case I don't blame OP for not wanting to go to the latest wedding. I guess he could just be incredibly unlucky and both woman one and woman two left him, but if so maybe he should think about taking his next relationship a bit more slowly.

Does anyone actually read out the “sorry we can’t be there” cards these days? Probably the most boring part of the day when this used to happen!

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP and it’s a bit pious to pretend that you wouldn’t be judgemental of someone you knew in this situation. It’s not about it being a second wedding. It’s about the fact he barely knows the bride and has been engaged and had a baby in between wives. The cousin clearly doesn’t take marriage seriously - I’m sure the OP would have no problem going to a second wedding in theory but she and other guests, likely correctly, presume that this marriage will be over within 2 years.

Some people just can’t manage to stay in a long term relationship.

Then why did you mention the child?

You brought it up!

Having said that I would probably still go to this wedding for the gossip tbh

I don’t suppose they spent all that money on a first wedding knowing they’d break up a year later?
it happens. I’ve also been married twice and luckily family weren’t wearing their judgy pants. If you want to go go if you don’t then don’t it’s as simple as that there is no need for the snidely comments in between.
poor cousin I bet would be horrified knowing you and your parents have been bitching about it between yourselves.

I'd just decide whether you want to go based on whether you'd like to go to it a family party tbh. I'd love to go to a family wedding just to have an occasion to see family. You can always make things cheaper - no new outfits, cheaper hotel or drive home, smaller present value etc. If you don't feel like going, just say so sorry, you can't make it but huge congratulations and wishing them all the best etc.

I never said I had an issue with anyone having children outside and marriage though.. because I don’t have an issue with it.
Are you actually ok??

But you mentioned the relationship with the child's mother despite it being completely irrelevant and described the whole situation as "insane"

In my opinion yes, it is insane.

Fine thanks for asking!

It's not that weird that the implication quite a few posters have taken from your OP is that the existence of this child and the short duration of the first marriage are the reasons why you don't want to attend this second wedding.

This is because of all the facts could have provided about your cousin (maybe he gets loads of parking tickets or doesn't recycle or never sends Christmas cards), these were the ones you deemed most relevant to share.

If it was entirely irrelevant to your feelings about attending the second wedding, you wouldn't have mentioned the child at all.

This is how the forum works. People post a relatively short message - everyone else has to deduce why they may have said/behaved in such a way. Sometimes people even find it quite helpful in making them realise why they have responded in a certain way or reflect on their beliefs...

I don’t see how any of the backstory is relevant.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But spending money on a first wedding was YOUR choice and I don’t see why that or his relationships are a reason for you to not attend

You and your parents just sound judgy, resentful and snide.

Why do grown adults have to make a mountain out of a molehill? You're an adult just message them back saying you can't go and leave it at that it's honestly not that difficult no drama needed.

Exactly. I think it's a bit ridiculous, all these people saying 'don't be judgy'. This as well on a site which will demonise the slightest thing a man does, then when a man actually behaves like an irresponsible knob it's all 'don't judge'. MIMS.

I think the revolving door relationships over the past few years are somewhat different to parking tickets! The number of recent relationships is directly relevant and OP was right to include it. If it hadn't been like that, OP might have had a completely different view

If the bride-to-be posted about her whirlwind romance and impending nuptials with a man divorced only 3-4 years ago, and who had been engaged/had baby in a subsequent relationship to that, then I think she'd be told there was plenty of red bunting and it was imprudent at best to rush in to this

Over the course of 6 years a man marries twice? Ooh, crazy capers 🤣 you and your parents sound like judgey shit stirrers tbh.

Just text and say congrats on the wedding date but unfortunately we can't make it.

Try RTFT - or at least the whole of the opening post!

Airbrushing out the relationship/engagement/baby in the middle isn't a fair representation

Yes, if the BRIDE posted about it, that would be sound advice that they are rushing it and consider the red flags etc.

But that is because they are the ones getting married so if it is a bad idea (and in this case, the cousin sounds like a bad idea) then they themselves have to deal with the consequences which could be significantly life changing for them.

But this is someone who is just a wedding guest. The consequences of the marriage failing are absolutely zero for the wedding guest.
If the marriage is terrible and they have rushed into it, it's really not of any consequence or relevance to the guests.

Go the wedding if you think you'd enjoy it and its a good chance to catch up with extended family that you would like to see.
Unless you believe your attendance at the wedding in some way provides a particularly valuable stamp of approval (let's say you are the archbishop of Canterbury or the pope?), then you just attend because you think it will be a nice chance to see extended family, have a boogie at the wedding disco, etc. You don't need to provide moral endorsement of whether they are rushing into it or not.

If it is at an inconvenient time or place or you aren't that fussed about seeing Auntie Sue and the rest of the extended family then simply decline.

Agree! On the face of it, it sounds like someone who is rushing from one relationship to the next, obv in reality it might not be the case though!

i thought attending a wedding was supposed to be about "supporting the couple" - at least in a church wedding. ie you are approving the union publicly.

(in practice you go as its a party or family politics insist you attend)

Decline the invite if you really dont want to go but if you fancy a day out and free freed,,,and it wont cost much,,,Id go
you could always wear the outfits you got for his first wedding

He’s made three “lifelong commitments” in 5 years?

A wedding was a big celebration of a couple getting together for the rest of their lives. That’s why they were such a big deal.

Sure, marriages fail, relationships breakdown.

But one marriage lasting a year, then a serious relationship having a child together and splitting up, then onto a third engagement?

Your cousin is the opposite of commitment-averse. He leaps into commitments without seeing them through. Send your apologies.

OP some of the posters here are being overly harsh.

In 5 years this man has married and divorced one woman, the wedding likely cost ye £500 minimum? He then met and had a baby with another woman, and now he's left her and is getting married again... ALL IN 5 YEARS?

I personally think this IS insane and I wouldn't be spending any more of my annual leave, money and time on another wedding.

Send regrets and think no more of it.

@demonheed this man's past relationships and child are actually relevant. He'll have had 2 marriages and fathered a child with another woman in the space of 5 years. He's flaky as fuck and I wouldn't be spending another penny celebrating how he is choosing to live his life.

I don't understand your objection. Are people not allowed to re-marry? Or was the first marriage too short? Are you a devout Cristian or Muslim? How long do people have to endure a shit relationship before you approve of the divorce?