Another wedding related one

[mrsclaus1984]

Around 5 years ago, DH and I, and my parents, went to my cousin’s wedding.
It cost us a fair bit to go, a couple of us needed new outfits as was upmarket venue, cousin had requested money for honeymoon as gifts, we needed annual leave from work as was on a weekday and not local. Etc etc.

(warning: this all sounds a bit insane - I promise it is real!)

Less than a year later, the newlyweds had separated. All swept under the carpet so we’ve no idea what happened.

At some point down the line (several months at most - can’t remember exactly), he’s in a new relationship. They get engaged and have a baby in quick succession.

That relationship ended too.

Last year, he gets into a new relationship. This was around 6 months ago. They are now engaged .. and we’ve just received an invite to their wedding later this year.

We don’t want to go. My parents feel the same way, but are aware of potential family fallout if they don’t go.

Are we BU?

If it would be OK to advise the bride in those terms - because it's so obviously wobbly - then it's also OK to decide not to attend for the same reasons.

It wouldn't be about whether the B&G give two hoots about "approval" - it's about being true to yourself.

I think you missed the full sequence of events - you've omitted the middle relationship and baby completely

@DirtyBlonde I haven't missed it. Plenty of women here have babies with men they don't end up marrying. Plenty of step mums on here too. He had a baby, that relationship didn't work (not exactly a rare thing to happen), he's met someone else and they want to marry. What's the problem?

If OP doesn't like the man, fine, don't go. It's an invitation, you can refuse for any reason. But it just sounds like she objects to people getting divorced and having children out of wedlock which, in 2024, is really nothing that outrageous.

She clearly mentioned it to show her cousin has got through quite a few relationships in the last few years to add weight to her resistance to attend the next wedding.

You're being a bit OTT with the accusations there, @demonheed

As for the wedding, just don't go. I can understand why you wouldn't be exactly enthralled. I'd say you were on holiday and probably with DPs too so they get an easy out.

Of course it's insane. I hate to think about the personal lives of those who think that this is just par for the course. It very much isn't unless you are a rockstar or a movie star.

For the 900000th time.. lol..
I do not have an issue with a child being born out of wedlock. not quite sure how else to word this…!

Gosh no.

Just decline

You are so annoying. You are shouting about what you don’t have an issue with but not saying what the issue is so how are we supposed to know

Plenty of men also leave women alone to bring up their babies as single mothers, while moving on to a new, exciting relationship and abandoning their responsibilities. It's often the mothers who are left to shoulder the majority of child care.

I guess we don't know from the information OP has provided (maybe OP doesn't know) whether the cousin left the women he married and got pregnant, or whether he left them. But his relationship history makes him sound like a pretty suspect character to be - nothing to do with having a child or of wedlock or getting divorced. More to do with possibly making commitments that he then doesn't follow through on.

I get it op. No one who divorces after a year should get married, so that’s money down the drain. Then presumably you celebrated the arrival of a baby soon thereafter spending more money for the same person. Now it’s another wedding that probably will end in a car crash given his history. I wouldn’t want to invest anything, whether time or money, again, for this person.

Not sure why you're getting so much grief OP, I think it's obvious why you would think his relationship history is bonkers.

@mrsclaus1984 so what is your issue exactly? You don't like him? You think he makes poor relationship choices? You judge him?

Personally, I go to weddings because 1) I like the person that is getting married and want to support them (even if I don't like their chosen spouse btw) and 2) to catch up with relatives and friends I don't see as much. If you don't like him, that's fine. But posting about how outrageous it is to have divorced and had a child out of wedlock is a bit strange, like you just want to trash him and have a gossip.

Thank you for the super-kind comment 💞

No don't go,
Send a CONGRATULATIONS CARD,
A COOK BOOK ( as gift)
Make a feeble excuse why you can't make it.
i .E. you have already booked a international trip somewhere.

Just say Thanks for the invite, sorry that we can’t come, we are already booked on that day on holiday-and get that booked!

Christ this has to be the most frustrating thread I have ever read in over 20 years of being here. Do him a favour OP and don't go, I wouldn't want the company of anybody who sneered at me.

Totally this.

I agree with this.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. Just reply to that effect if when you get the invitation. There doesn't need to be drama.

Of course a person who makes these flippant 'life long decisions' one after another is going to be judged.

If it were me, I would be far too embarrassed to throw another big wedding after only asking all of my family and friends to give up their time and money 5 years previously.

I think your use of the term sneered at is a bit extreme. I wouldn't sneer at a relative for this, but I absolutely would judge them and not attend another wedding.

Sorry, we can’t make it. What more is there to think about?

Yes- absolutely this.

Going to decline the invite. Will send a card and gift closer to the time.

A hit dog yelps. I can only assume that you have a romantic history similar to the OP's cousin.

OP I had a situation in my family that was kinda similar in levels of messiness (maybe worse). My relative got engaged to one man when pregnant, gave the child up for adoption as they split up in pregnancy, got back together as soon as the baby had been passed to SS and married, divorced within the year, married a new guy almost immediately, divorced within the year again and then remarried the same man.

I mean I know love lives can be messy and tumultuous (just look at Elizabeth Taylor!) but I wouldn't personally be arsed with going given a choice. It all happened in such quick succession that I wore the same bridesmaid dress to all of the weddings (I was I think between 9 and 12) and I'm fairly sure the bride wore the same big flouncy princess gown for at least two of them. Obviously their live choices were not about me but my cousins and I were very confused at the succession of 'uncles'. My parents defo wouldn't have bothered if there was an expectation of presents etc after marriage one!

My cousin married twice. I didn't go to the second wedding because I just had a feeling this one wasn't going to last either...also I was working and couldn't get the time off.

My DParents and brother went though.

The marriage lasted about 18 months. I feel like a dodged a bullet.

No discredit to the sisterhood but both wives cheated on him.

You don't have to go. It's a cousin, not a sibling or best friend.