A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I’d just let your DH take the kids to the room. I personally would be quite happy to sit in the room, he can have a few beers and swap over if you want for an hour or so. Not ideal, but if it’s costing that much and you’re not happy then politely decline. Just say you’d have loved to have come but you don’t have a babysitter for the kids in the hotel.

And Save the Dates are sent long in advance for all the reasons you state. In case guests have to book accommodation/travel/time off work etc.

Agreed. Especially when you’re inviting people with young children, who live a 5 hour drive away.

This is another thing that has become more common.....super early and vague Sace the date cards, and then late invitations with the actual details

This.

We actually had a save the date 2 years in advance! Although we got the invitations in good time too.

And I know not helpful to the OP but I'd never book the hotel until I had the actual invitation having had one save the date that then just turned out to be for the evening.

I’d just leave the DCs with your dad

Probably silly for assuming our kids were invited

They should have sent a clearer save the date, not one vaguely addressed to "all".
The purpose of save the dates are to allow guests to make the broader plans before knowing the details. Obviously in order to do that, they need to specify who is invited and to what parts. Childcare is something that needs to be planned in advance.

Quite the opposite actually. Usually very classy and elegant, all the ones I've been to anyway (including my own!). FWIW, now that I have a child myself, I still prefer a childfree wedding any day!

I have 20 cousins, they all came to my wedding. I'm one of the oldest and married before many had children- most of them have 2-3 children now.

I invited children of my cousins- there were two small boys and a baby. The boys were adorable and tore up the dance floor.

However- if my younger cousins getting married now extended the invitation to their first cousins once removed (children of cousins) that alone would be almost 50 children, before even considering the children of their friends.

It's their wedding, not a wiggles concert.

People think about it in terms of 'oh what difference would my two children who love a party make' without considering what it would actually mean for the couple to extend the invitation to that whole category of people.

Is your hotel refundable? What I’m hearing the the bride and groom are hoping those with kids head off at 5pm. I’m assuming this applies to all kids - not just yours. Evening events are for adults IMHO. Essentially whoever is covering the cost of the event chooses who attends and when. We made our wedding childfree for the whole day and were roundly thanked by most our guests, we understood that this meant some people couldn’t come at all.

I'm still baffled as to how this is costing £1300?
If its OK with your husband, go alone. Other option is to cancel and stay at home.

assuming the other parent is dead?

Hotel for 4 plus travel and meals.

Just don't go. I hope you can get a refund.
Who wants to drive for 5 hours to sit in a hotel room with a bottle of beer? Ludicrous.

I am not inviting extended family let alone all their kids to our wedding.

Weddings are bloody expensive as it is. Our budget is healthy but that it's to spend on enjoying time with our friends bit tons of kids. There are some if immediate faniky/exceptionally close friends but even one of my bridesmaids kids are not invited.

As for the nasty comments about "our day" - it absolutely is our day and I don't want to risk it ruined by small kids pissing about.

However, we have been very clear that kids are not involved. Invites went out nearly 9 months ahead of the wedding so that people could make informed choices. We accept some may choose not to come without their kids and that is fine. There will be no grudges etc held. But given the amount it is costing I won't apologise for ringfencing that budget for adults.

To the tune of £1300? Nah thank you.

Op, they knew you aren't local and really should have told you before. If you cannot stay with kids for the while shebang, I would cancel the hotel if you get the money back and spend the money on something else. I wouldn't wanna go.

Or don’t go. If people want a child free wedding they need to accept that some people with kids might not want to go.

Not being clear about kids being invited in good time is always going to cause issues. With a 5 hour travel time I'd probably decline in these circumstances especially when you've not got much to lose.

Indeed. "Suck it up" seems strange advice for a wedding. It's a celebration, not a dental appointment. It's a shame that your daughters were looking forward to it. Maybe do something else together?

You go to all of it and your oh and the kids to some.

See I would think children going to the evening event would work better? I went to a wedding last month with 3 children. They were crying & shouting/shrieking during the wedding ceremony and were running around together then started running away from their parents and trying to get under seats of guests to hide. It was disruptive cause the rest of the guests were silent, and the ceremony was in a small room, so the sound echoed - the B&G kept stopping and starting their proceedings as no one could hear them, and ended up behind their schedule

However during the evening event, everyone was chatty, it was in a much larger room and there were different rooms - people were dispersed wider. So that behaviour from children wouldn’t cause as much impact or be as noticeable in the evening

Hi OP we had a child free wedding because the venue could only take 90 people and inviting children as well would have put the numbers up.to 115 or so, so would have to have changed the wedding venue and there would have been a lot of extra expense but we were clear from the start that was what we were going to do.

In your shoes I wouldn't want anyone not familiar with my very young children looking after them or to have to tag team on your own at the reception in the evening so I think bowing out now is the best thing to do. I would let them know the reasons in a nice way and wish them all the best.

Have another little break away instead for you and the kids to look forward to! Ps for our wedding one couple came from a long way away and we broke the no kids rule for them!!

Agreed - we invited cousins and their DC to ours. There weren’t many kids, but two young ones were still up and dancing until at least 10. The only GPs they have were at the wedding so there was no other option.

This. Great reply.