A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

@Sinceyou I politely disagree. Children get overhyped and leap about/make noise, this fine for a park or a soft play party or a kids disco, inappropriate for a wedding evening do. You’re of course entitled to your opinion, but I would never EVER assume my 6 year old was invited to an evening function. Do all these adults agreeing with you take kids to evening work dos and awards ceremonies? Thought not!

@lastchristmas80

Do all these adults agreeing with you take kids to evening work dos and awards ceremonies? Thought not!

These aren't family events - not comparable!

5pm is a weird cut off time

Presumably the kids are invited to the wedding breakfast?

You can't put them to bed at 5pm

I would consider sitting in hotel bar with them with a card game and ipad

A card game and an ipad? Why?
That's an awful way to spend an evening that you've driven for hours shelled out ££ for.

It's actually quite odd and the opposite way round to my experience ... most couples don't want children at the service (in case they are noisy), or at the meal (as it's expensive). They are usually happy for them to come to the evening reception.

If the couple getting married have allowed guests to book accommodation ahead of sending out official invitations, though, surely it’s their responsibility to let guests know about the children rule at that time?

OP, it’s a bizarre rule and I don’t blame you for being annoyed. The evening part is where kids are usually free to enjoy themselves and not sit and be quiet. Could you and your DH take it in turns to be with the kids in the hotel room, or hotel itself, away from the reception? Or perhaps you could stay until 5pm, take the kids somewhere local for a couple of hours and come back to the reception later when the kids are in bed, with each adult taking it in turns to stay with them?

It literally says ‘Hey all’ - how is anyone supposed to know that ‘all’ doesn’t mean all of them? If it was only adults it would say ‘hey both’ or ‘hey OP and DH’

If you’re not losing any money by not going, I’d send over your apologies OP and say you can’t go. I get why some like a child free wedding but I do think this should have been mentioned before now. Can you take the kids away for a night with the money so they still have something to look forward to?

I’d hate this, it would make me so sad and I’d just hang around on the day feeling uncomfortable and missing the rest of my family.

Evening, dinner and dance (of any typology) does not scream ‘kiddie party’ in my mind. Similarly weddings are not just designed for family, they are designed for the Bride and Groom and their friends also. In my case I’m not massively close to extended family so why would a random child I’ve never met be offered the chance to ruin my party? The other issue (for me) is that assuming the adults are mostly drinking, that’s not the best preamble for late night babysitting at loud events.

It's better to bow out than go along and be irritated with the bride and groom. I don't really understand all this no kids nonsense, but some people maybe overthink the day.

have only read 3 pages but I'm in the "politely decline the invitation but give no reason" camp. Wish them well and send them a card and small gift/money for the day. And only if pushed by the B&G to go or say why, tell them that if the children have to leave at 5 it's a long trek for a few hours fun.

Do the kids even get dinner?

It's not clear if it's 'from dinner' as in adults all go to dinner, kids go home, or 'from dinner' as in everyone goes to dinner, then kids go home.

If I thought it was going to cause issues family-wise, I think I'd see if I thought we could drive up, do the wedding then come home at 5 - it's disappointing, but better than the alternatives for me (and TBH, I like the way it's obvious why you had to do it)

That means you shouldn’t go, not that your children should. I find Bride and Grooms to be quite caught up in enjoying their big day and do not give much thought to plus ones of all ages. Especially those requested not to attend!

Absolutely, I was responding to the person saying that they recommend this approach not saying that I think the kids should go.

I’d rather not go than go alone.

I read it as the children don't get dinner but I think it depends on when the ceremony is as the what the children will eat.

Late morning ceremony with sit down meal early afternoon, then the children will get fed.
Early afternoon ceremony then the meal is probably at 5 and the children won't be there.

My suggestion would have been kids go to your dad after the adult only time starts. Your husband goes pick them up after a few hours and you'll stay. Or just go solo. But if not going is the best option for you then it is OK to not go. They'll need to understand

Do you have babysitters local to where you live eg in laws? If so you could go as a couple to whole thing and not take kids at all. If not, why don't you go to whole thing on your own?

I get not wanting to drag whole family there only to sit in a hotel room for half the time without the meal, but I don't understand the idea of it being all of you or none of you. We've been invited to an entirely childfree wedding of one of my cousin's this year. It's midweek term time so difficult to leave them with in laws so I'm going with my parents, leaving kids with dh, and I know others are doing same. It's a shame he can't come but it's my family anyway and that's life. I'm really looking forward to catching up with everyone, and having some child free time actually.

If there are loads of kids in your family, it's probably getting more and more expensive to invite them all as presumably more are born, especially as it sounds like it must be a big family for you to feel there have been enough weddings for a precedent to be set that kids are usually invited. And yes it's annoying to find out at this notice, but you've said yourself hotel is changeable it was your assumption, so you haven't lost anything.

So if they take the kids elsewhere for a few hours then that will likely cost them even more money, all because of the hokey cokey rule about kids being in then out. Nope, wouldn't be forking out anything more on this. You either have kids at a wedding, or you don't. Expecting guests to tip toe round about timings in this way just doesn't feel like a great way to treat people who are already putting themselves to considerable expense and effort to be there.

If you're organising a kid free event, make that clear to your guests at the outset, it's YOUR event and your responsibility to ensure guests are adequately informed. It's same as the alcohol free wedding on another thread that also didn't inform guests before they all spent money on hotel bookings which they probably wouldn't have done had they known. Give your guests as much info about your event, especially if there are particular rules about children/alcohol, to allow them to make informed decisions, it's really not that hard. Treat your guests like you actually value their time and money by attending, they're not just making up the numbers to make your event look good in the photos.

Have the goalposts changed. I suspect they never invented to the meal. Easy solution go to the bit where everyone is invited and see the family. Pop out as a family and have a meal together and send apologies for the meal. Or just cancel and send your apologies.

Surely your husband can just take the kids from 5pm? If it's your cousin, you get to stay.

I agree they should have let you know much earlier though.

This.
They should have told you earlier.

Can you attend the daytime, but then take your kids out somewhere in the evening? A meal or nearby theatre?

Really depends on how much you want to go to the wedding. If I was really looking forward to seeing my cousin get married then I would go to the wedding ceremony and what ever follows until 5pm. Let bride know beforehand she doesn’t have to count your family for the evening (chances are they pay per head) as you have no childcare and can’t make it. Then make the most of the evening doing something in the local area or relaxing in hotel room. Or if I wasn’t that bothered about the wedding I’d let bride know you have no childcare for the evening and can’t attend

@lastchristmas80 regardless of the ratio of family v friends at a wedding, it's not comparable to a work/awards do. They're completely different events.