A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

@TemporaryName123 this is really sad that you've only had this made clear at the 8 weeks to go mark.
We live a similar distance from family and I don't think you've over-estimated how much it will cost, it's going to be more as you'd need to buy dinner for your children and probably one if not two adults.
I'd be regretfully declining the invitation when it arrives, just send a 'wedding regrets' card from Clinton's or similar, I'd not be sending a response via social media.

YANBU
But if I was you I would rather spend the £1,300 towards a family holiday that you could all enjoy.

Don't go. My brother and his wife pulled the no kids at the wedding thing, until my mum told him straight that people just wouldn't turn up. Cancel and get your money back if you can.

A great many people don't share your views. Why do you hate weddings so much?

I have never attended a bridezilla style wedding as all my family and friends aren't self obsessed arseholes.

I don’t think your being unreasonable as everybody’s biggest problem is their biggest problem, however I think if you are going to decide to not go probably best to give as much notice as possible I think the bride and groom would prefer that rather than you pondering for a week how to break it to them, if you think £1300 is a lot maybe consider how much they have spent on the event, let them either refund or replace your spots.

I'd probably go for something breezy but to the point, like

'Really sorry to pull out at this point but unfortunately we are not prepared to leave the kids with a baby sitter we don't know for the evening of the wedding Lets arrange a get together after the honeymoon so you can tell us all about your day. I hope you have a truly magical wedding.'

That is way too much time & money to spend on what amounts to a service and wedding photos being taken.

Yes, it's up to the B&G who attends what parts of their wedding but it's up to YOU who you are comfortable leaving your kids with. On this occasion, the two don't match and that's kind of that, really.

So what if tou go and then just keep your kids wiyh you. Are they really goi g ro come over and say "err excuse me but we said no kids in the evening" but no I woukdnt be going. Easier for everyone if they just say no kids at all. This is messing people about.

The OP has already said she wouldn't enjoy the party knowing the kids are stuck with a babysitter.

I wouldn't either, in honesty.

Why wouldn’t they? I would, and I’ve heard of cases where people have done just that when faced with this particular situation.

What's the Op and her DH going to do at the meal, each sit with a child on their knee, sharing their plate of food?

Don't be daft. The venue may also object on the basis of capacity

Sorry, but I think YABU. Your children aren't banned from the wedding but the meal & evening is for adults only-thats the bride & grooms prerogative. Wouldn't say it would be my choice, but I totally respect their decision and so should you. It's their day, not yours (nor your kids' day to be fair, difficult though that may be for you & them to accept). Let the happy couple have their day, their way. Dont hold a grievance, it's just one day after all-but it is a special day for them. And if it bothers you that much you dont have to attend.

Sorry can't go@

just turning up with the kids is just childish-its not the kids' day, its the B&G's day, and they should be able to have it their way, not yours.

I wouldn’t personally have a big wedding but if I did and had invited families but wanted a child free evening I would provide childcare or a crèche.

They needn't "pull out" as they haven't actually received or responded to an invitation.

No, what's unreasonable is expecting couples who don't have infinite budgets to bin off some of their friends in favour of children they barely know. Entitlement at its finest.

Nah, don’t go and don’t feel bad about it. It’s one of those things! I wouldn’t leave my kids with someone they either don’t know (and neither do we) or your dad that they wouldn’t feel comfortable with. There isn’t a way around it, you’re not gona spend that kind of money to split your family up even if you stayed downstairs and your husband took the kids.. it’s no fun!

in terms of reply just say “ah I’m so sorry, I had no idea this was the case! Unfortunately, we wont be able to attend but I hope you have the loveliest day and I can’t wait to see photos”

yanbu

This happened to a friend of mine last summer. The children were excluded from the reception at the last minute after the B&G invited too many people and exceeded the max permitted at the venue. There were a few invitees who couldn’t attend just not as many as they had anticipated. The parents who could, arranged sleepovers with school friends so children didn’t attend at all. Those that couldn’t just didn’t attend at all.

I really feel for your brother and his wife that they were manipulated out of having the day they wanted, for their occasion.

I’ve never mentioned a bridezilla? I have never met one of those.

I just find them completely boring. Too much waiting around, all very samey, just really tedious. The food is usually naff, or not enough of it, or served at rubbish times with long waits.
It’s usually too hot, too cold, too much standing or sitting. They involve too much travel, aggravation organising animal
care to go and spending money I don’t have spare on something I don’t like.
No thanks. I only go to those I absolutely can’t get out of.

I love being married, but I didn’t give a shit about my own wedding so not likely to about anyone elses.

I never said anyone has to agree with me
though.

The OP could go on her own though, it's a family wedding so it's not like she'll actually be on her own once there.

I see an awful lot of people here suggesting either that couples should be joined at the hip, or else that fathers can't possibly look after their children solo for a weekend.

If I were OPs partner I'd be quite happy to take my kids swimming at 5pm (or to a playground or whatever), then have some bar food and watch a film with them in the hotel room.

My favourite part of a wedding is the ceremony and I enjoy the drinks reception. I'd be sorry to miss the dinner but actually very happy to have an excuse to miss the music later on. I rarely enjoy that part of a wedding, it's too loud to talk to people and I'm not a great dancer.

I appreciate everyone's different and I'm probably the odd one out here though 😂

That seems like a crazy amount of money. I'm about to attend a wedding in Italy. For four nights and three people, it's costing around £600.

I get your point but it does feel a bit like letting someone down that close to the wedding, doesn't it? Especially if OP has been chatting on the cousins group and mentioned hotel booking etc.

The B&G have left the invites rather late, really. 8 weeks before doesn't feel like long to start filling seats left empty. If lots of people don't go, they only have themselves to blame, really.

Could your dad babysit in the hotel room? They could watch a film 5-8, one of you could go up for an hour for bed time and then return to the party. I’ve sat in hotel room to babysit for my sister at weddings, it’s not so bad, quite exciting really