A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I find it weird to block children from the party. I´ve never ever had anyone ask me to leave my daughter at home. I went to a huge Indian wedding where everyone older was getting legless on the dance floor, kids were running around, that extra old uncle fell in to the chairs so drunk LOLZ. That is a big family wedding. To say no kids after 5pm.... I think that is peculiar and only a couple who have not had kids yet might think that was OK. To me, they are the strange ones as
I´ve never had such an experience with anyone before. If they mean a lot to you, go until 5pm and leave then. If they don´t mean much to you and you are just going for the sake of it then cancel and keep the money. You could also share going to the party with hubby looking after kids for a bit then change over. Just some random thoughts.

We didn’t have children for the evening of our wedding (and we have a daughter and two nieces). We knew our evening reception wouldn’t be a suitable environment for children (AND IT WASN’T!). Lots of dancing, celebrating, shots at the bar etc - a great party and not child friendly in the slightest. The B&G are entitled to have the day they want.

However, we did warn our guests in advance of this, not 8 weeks before.

I’d still go and get your OH to take the children back to the hotel. Like you’ve said, you don’t see your family often and it’ll be a lovely day.

This is the sort of self-absorbed and inconsiderate behaviour that is now typical of weddings, unfortunately. B&G have bought into the narcissistic "our day" nonsense and they feel entitled to treat their family and friends like chess pieces rather than loved ones. If you can't show a little respect towards people who are your guests, who have shelled out and travelled in order to celebrate your marriage with you, then you lack the maturity and character to sustain a marriage, imo. I wouldn't go

Theres another thread of an older couple who want to invite friends and have everyone pay for a pub lunch (each paying for themselves - no gifts)

And everyone piled on saying it’s ‘rude’ to invite people and not pay for everything.

It’s not just the couple who are entitled - thank go my friends and family would chip in for a get together.

I don't think you're bring unreasonable.
They should have made that clear with the save the date not eight weeks before the wedding

I'd reply with
We're honored to receive the invitation for us both and our children to attend the wedding day. However, the challenge arises with the evening party, especially considering the distance from home and childcare logistics. Unfortunately, we now we know this won't be able to attend, but we hope the celebration is wonderful and wish you the very best for your special day

Why would children of those ages be unable to cope for a few hours with a childminder? That's rather stunted and sad.

But it doesn't make the child lacking in resilience and social skills though.

Why go into such detail? What would you hope to accomplish?

If the evening party starts at 7 pm the children would be fine staying around the wedding guests with both parents after that I’d take turns in bedroom if at the same venue and hope bride and groom changed their mind? Or one of you stay with kids in hotel bar area

Yes, it does.

The Indian wedding you went to sounds fabulous 😊

No kids at weddings is a very normal request UK. Evening do's normally involve adults drinking alcohol, & partying. Could you bring another person from home to babysit the kids?

Are there any other kids attending? They could perhaps be babysat together - cheaper and more fun for them. Plus you could enjoy the evening.

Exactly. They're staying 3 nights so will only miss out on a few hours worth of activity in that time. They can enjoy the rest of the wedding and the other days with family. And OP can still enjoy the whole thing.

As there are two children it might be easier to leave them with a babysitter. You could ask the hotel if they know of a babysitter if the family member who isn't invited can't do it. You can plan a movie and some treats for them in advance. It's a shame they can't come but I wouldn't stress too much. I'm assuming other children aren't able to come to the evening bit either.

I know lots of people who don’t invite kids to weddings so I would say to assume they were invited is unreasonable. Other people’s kids are rarely fun.

As the wedding is still 8 weeks away, your cousin would have plenty of time to ask another couple of guests and not be out the cost as venues charge based on numbers confirmed whether the guests attend or not on the day.

Guests who have confirmed pulling out late in the day can be annoying and costly for the couple. But it’s very understandable if you don’t have childcare. I’d just let your cousin as soon as possible what you intend to do

This is a funny one bc I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I also wouldn’t want my kids being around people that are going to be inebriated- which is usually a given at weddings. I’m getting married in two months and I’ve only invited a handful of children - including my own, I haven’t put any rules in like your cousin has, but I’m kind of expecting the kids to go at a reasonable~ time. I won’t be annoyed if they don’t, but that’s what I’ve got in my mind.

Why don’t you phone your cousin & explain your position and the various options? She might be fine w your kids but might not want loads of kids. Despite saying ‘no kids’ at our wedding, we did have a couple of babies & relatives kids and I did have to take one of mine to a no-kids wedding once and it was fine. Good luck 😊

That's exactly what I was trying to say; the pp was posting something about "traditionally" and I wanted to point out that there are no overarching "traditions" that apply to all.

Just like that "weddings are a joining of families and all members of families should be able to attend" bollocks.

Maybe down in the village in the olde days that was the case. For many adults these days, their wedding is about them, as a couple, and has sod all to do with their extended families, who may never actually meet. B&G are entitled to have elegant childfree dinner parties or childfree piss-ups or whatever, as they see fit.

Anyone who can't muster a few hours of childcare with two months notice (which is, as one pp pointed out, one-sixth of the year!) is questionable.

Personally I think all the protestations (in general, not specifically this OP) about non-invited kids is that the parents want to trot their golden offspring out for others' approval, not because they really have no childcare options. And they don't care how the presence of those kids may ruin the vibe that the B&G had planned for.

@EsmeSusanOgg
A very good and polite letter.

How the heck are you spending £1300?!I If it were my cousins wedding then my partner would offer to do something with the kids from 5pm so I could spend time with my family. To be honest, sitting in the hotel room for a couple of hours before bed really isn't a big deal, have a movie night or play some games! And I don't see how they've changed the goal posts if they're telling you this 8 weeks before the wedding. Don't make their wedding about you, it's one day.

Have you got evidence for this?

If the bride and groom don’t have kids, they genuinely may not have thought of your situations finding baby sitters or wanting kids there etc.

When you don’t have kids, the logistics of them may not really enter your head. Can’t blame them.

I hate children not being invited to a wedding.
so unreasonable. Don’t go if you can recoup the money. Do what u can to ameliorate if you can’t.
terrible situation

Been in this situation many a time, I'm respectful of couples wedding preferences but have declined a few because it doesn't work for us. As long as there's no drama about it, it's got to be what works best for you. If they've paid for you all to have the sit down bit but not stipulated further detail, I think this is their mistake I'm afraid. It all depends what was detailed in yhe "wave the date" card or convo x

I’m always pleased to have any excuse to miss a wedding - they are universally shit and never worth the cost involved. Sack it off and have a nice family break with the money instead.
Think of it as a lucky escape.

Because the patrons in the bar of a posh hotel on a Saturday night would really appreciate a four-year-old and eight-year-old running about, eh?