A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Loving that your all
more intrested in responding to what I’ve written instead of original poster , 🤣🤣 👏👏

Or posters have already responded to the OP with sensible advice but just can't help but respond to your post also.

What’s wrong with getting a babysitter at the hotel room and family members can also pop up now and again if they want. There are other ways to feed children that doesn’t involve the B&G paying £100 per head for the darlings to throw the food on the floor or complain they want pizza instead

It’s interesting your family are all close enough that your children must be invited to a cousins wedding, but yet aren’t close enough that any other family members can be trusted to babysit? 🤔

"So sorry to have to decline your invitation. We wish you the very best and hope to be able to arrange a time to see you soon"
... if you do hope. Don't lie!

"Not many parents would go to the trouble of taking their child to the Church then taking them home and coming back for the reception would they?"

I don't know but I have myself gone to a ceremony, not been invited to the meal, but then gone back for evening party twice. Local weddings of course - I wouldn't travel unless invited to the whole thing.

“Hi ….,
thank you so much for the beautiful wedding invitation. We are very sad to decline the invite due to childcare arrangements. We wish you the most wonderful day and all the happiness in your marriage.
lots of love,
…TemporaryName123, husband and the kids xxx”

"Also, it always irritates me when people complain about the cost of attending weddings on Mumsnet but include entirely optional things. "

I agree and I made the point about the outfits.
Not OP here, but I've seen people count the cost of going to the hairdresser even.

Mixed reactions! The OP said she left early as she wanted an adult evening, not with toddlers/children. I think people thought she was rude.
But I think, like her, that if you plan a girls night with wine then you expect childfree.

They’ll be invited to hen dos next as it’s a ‘family event’ 🤣

It's the OP's family.

Why would you assume her husband won't know them?

They're being kicked out at 5pm

Most receptions go on till at least 11pm

This is the most crass and obnoxious response to an invitation.

Just decline. Don't try to guilt them with passive-aggressive fake smarm.

Kids who can't be left with a sitter for a few hours are going to be incredibly lacking in resilience and social skills. I'm sure the locals or the hotel could recommend someone trustworthy and kind. Would it really traumatize them that much to have Mrs Poppins read them a few stories and set them up with a film and pizza in the hotel room?

Different families then

I got married in 1981

Children were invited. And I attended every family wedding my parents went to, growing up

Two of my children married just over 10 years ago. They had loads of children (inc friends' children)

So we can't generalise

All the OP needs to say is ‘unfortunately we are able to attend and we wish you a lovely day’.

My last sentence referred more in a general sense about one half of a couple attending weddings, as the thread seemed to be going into general wedding conventions. The husband will almost certainly know them in this case, yes. Still better to have the cousin attend without the husband than neither, though only of course if the cousin wants to.

Kids who can't be left with a sitter for a few hours are going to be incredibly lacking in resilience and social skills.

Utter nonsense.

Not wanting to leave your children alone with a complete stranger isn't going to make them less resilient or any of the other nonsense you are spouting.

Literally bollocks! Where do people get this stuff?!

Definitely stil go.. I mean it’s all booked now right and you will actually have a great time without the kids (once you’ve made your decision and can stop worrying about what to do) yes kids will miss half the wedding but can watch hotel TV with popcorn or something which will be absolutely just as fun for them! And they’ll obviously enjoy the rest of the trip and seeing wider family. I agree non cousin parent stays with kids in hotel room or get a babysitter recommendation from your family that live in that area.

Personally I think continuously leaving your children with strangers can have the opposite effect of being resilient. It

I disagree. Why would children of those ages be unable to cope for a few hours with a childminder? That's rather stunted and sad.

By ‘strangers’ are we meaning qualified and checked babysitters? Rather than some random person on the street? I mean each to their own but still... We used Sitters.com a lot and had some amazing people. Kids got to know them. We had a bit of freedom..

I wouldn’t criticise anyone who isn’t comfortable with that but I’d often joke these sitters were more qualified and responsible than me. Often teachers/ full first aid certification..

If your kids aren’t comfortable with that fine. Mine were fine.

Exactly, @Delatron

There are plenty of options for qualified, vetted sitters.

True. A result of not remembering any more that a marriage is a joining of two families as well as two people. And I would not drive 5 hours and pay £1300 to go to a cousin's wedding.