A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I still see no need for your shitty response to her. Not everyone likes children. If you knew why they weren’t coming why ask? Oh wait….just to be nasty.

No. That poster went on to say she and her fiance hated children so there are plenty of reasons why their family don't like them.

Lol. That is not the reason at all. For your information my family don't hate me, they just don't get me and don't understand some decisions that I made regarding my late mother. Nothing to do with their reproductive choices, just mutual misunderstandings and disinterest.

My brother and sister in law only had enough spaces to invite immediate families children (their own and nieces/nephews.) They gave their save the date cards out a year before the wedding and made it clear that they unfortunately couldn't accommodate friends/cousins children. This worked well as everyone had lots of notice, no shocks when the invites arrived.

How are the children going to get dinner etc? Does that mean you and your husband will have to take turns, watching them? I wouldn't leave them alone in the hotel rooms.

No, of course you can't actually prevent anyone from coming to a Church ceremony but couples who don't want children present at the ceremony usually achieve that by not inviting them to the meal afterwards. Not many parents would go to the trouble of taking their child to the Church then taking them home and coming back for the reception would they? Which seems to be what the B&G are expecting in this case. What their motivation for that is, who knows, but I think most would agree that it is unusual.
Plus, unless I have missed it, I don't think the OP has even said the ceremony is in a Church. The last few weddings I have been to have been at "all in one" wedding venues like hotels and castles where you have the ceremony in one bit of the place and the reception in another so it's not like our local Church where people quite often pop in and sit at the back if someone from the village is getting married but they're not invited. Not sure how that works legally come to think of it. I thought weddings had to be public so that anyone could object but certainly the last one I went to there was someone on the gate checking a guest list and no spare chairs in the venue for any passersby! I don't think anyone who wasn't invited would have got in.

But, again, OP has said most are local and have family on the other side who can take them. They can also choose to leave the kids with babysitters all day if they want so they can both attend. It's just trickier for OP because she moved away, but the plans sound fine for most of the family.

I was thinking the same! Wouldn't be typical to invite the children of friends or cousins in Ireland, and it doesn't seem to cause any drama.

I was thinking the same! Wouldn't be typical to invite the children of friends or cousins in Ireland, and it doesn't seem to cause any drama.

I'm so old now, I've been to a couple of cousins' children's weddings😬🤣

Without having read the entire thread, could you a) pick up the phone to your cousin and have an honest chat with him/her, explain your dilemma and see what they say. They may not have thought through the implications of saying no children at the evening do; or b) go by yourself and leave DH and children at home. If you have other family local to the wedding, could you stay with them?

‘Self absorbed’ is a bit of a stretch. Couples shell out tens of thousands of pounds and endless hours/days/months of organisation to have a day to celebrate THEIR marriage in the way that makes them happy. Children at events completely changes the dynamic, not everyone wants kids spinning around a dance floor at their wedding

I think you’re fine to decline as it wasn’t made clear initially about the no kids thing. They may have changed their mind. We were umming and ahhhing about kids even after we’d sent out the save the date. DH wanted them I didn’t (mainly because the venue has a sheer drop over a wall). I was kind of forced in to it by a friend saying how excited her DD was for the day. I just felt guilty. This meant I had to hire a bouncer for the wall! Pay for a kids entertainment…an extra 50 meals or something.

We got married late in life so most people had at least a couple of kids. That doubles the amount of people at your wedding.

Anyway. What I’m saying is they may have just had a panic over the amount of kids and the cost. Changed their minds. And therefore you can also change your mind. Nobody is in the wrong here.

All kids are different. I’ve been to some great weddings where a babysitter appeared for the children in the evening! You just have to respect what the couple want and then it’s your choice whether to get a babysitter (which you don’t feel comfortable doing).

Is this 1st time that the no children thing has been mentioned? If so then it’s very unfair that they’re left it until now to mention. Personally I wouldn’t want to spend all that money to then be stuck in the room for the eve, it’s a long eve from 5 pm, wouldn’t be so bad if they’d said children are welcome until 7 ish then we’d like adult only party after that, I would totally understand that (and yes I get that it’s theb&g choice it just seems they could’ve mentioned it sooner) if you do want to go then you could look at sitters, they have branches all over the country so likely will have one near the wedding and you could hire a sitter at least for a small part of the eve

I think part of the problem is that you aren’t comfortable with them being looked after by family members your children don’t normally spend much time with. It sounds like you could have a few options tbh.

The fact children of cousins are invited at all is surprising to me (especially those who live far away… how well do they know your kids?) and it sounds like they are allowing them in the daytime to actually help you out (only needing a babysitter for an evening).

My cousins aren’t even invited to my wedding let alone their kids!

if you still feel it's worth the cost and the time why don't you go to part of the wedding that that kids are allowed to go to and then at 5 pm go and do something else as a family like go the pictures or bowling etc then, go for a pizza & ice cream afterwards, so you're not stuck in the hotel room all night bored stiff

I don't hate children! You really do enjoy twisting people's words.
I just don't like them running around, taking over a dance floor. The same as a post the other day where someone wants to bring kids to a girls' night.

Exactly. Attend or don’t attend. Weddings happen in all shapes and sizes these days. From 4-400 guests, it’s up to the couple what they want and guests should want them to have their best day.

The problem in this case is the OP doesn’t want anyone else to look after them. Childcare/babysitting is the parents responsibility not the B&Gs.

What a horrible thing to say. How can a couple, who want to have their own special day, be selfish?!
Of course it's "their day"!
It's so expensive, people should have their own choices.

Surely they’d have known how awkward this will be for you? To only tell you at this point is ridiculous.

I’d explain that you didn’t realise that the children weren’t invited in the evening and that’s changed things as there’s no way you’d leave your children with a stranger for the evening. There’s no way I’d send my partner and kids back to the room and stay myself either. Also what’s going to happen post 5pm that’s so inappropriate for children?! (We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and that’s the point at which my 6 and 3 year olds started to live their best lives 😂)

I’m getting married next year and doing everything I can to make sure things are as easy as possible for our family and friends, why wouldn’t someone do that? As expensive as weddings are you’re asking them to spend a lot (an awful lot in your case) of money to celebrate with you. I couldn’t imagine telling my cousins or anyone for that matter that they’d have to send their children home after dinner.

I'm interested to know the wording of the actual invitation. I suspect it's the case that children are not be named at all, ie they are not officially invited to the wedding at all, but as op has said most other children are local, the bride and groom are letting it be known that they don't actually mind children turning up to the bits they are not paying per head for eg ceremony, if they want to be involved. Which may well suit some families.

Indeed I can definitely remember going to one wedding before I had kids where I was surprised to see a few children in church as I remembered bride saying only nieces and nephews were invited, but then they weren't in the reception and it turned out a couple of local families had cleared them coming to the (public) church ceremony to see the bride etc.

Makes sense to me. It suggests that the issue is the cost / numbers of the many children of all their friends and family, rather than not liking children and not wanting them to be seen or heard! So I think (if you are local) it is a nice thing to allow people to do, if they want.

However, I can't imagine for one second they think non local people should get overnight accomodation for children just to come to the ceremony. They probably assume the children won't come at all and you will get a babysitter at home / drop with other grandparents or only one of you come, as people do for all other child free weddings.

Also, it always irritates me when people complain about the cost of attending weddings on Mumsnet but include entirely optional things. Gift can be small, there are no rules saying you need to splash the cash. I'm going to a wedding soon and was planning on £50 gift. You don't need 3 nights accomodation to attend a one day wedding, so that extra night is the cost of whatever else you are planning to do while there, not a cost of the wedding (different if going abroad I accept). You don't have to stay in the expensive hotel, you could find a cheaper premier Inn or B&B nearby - I think I've only ever splashed out the actual venue when I was bridesmaid / bride or it was very reasonable. If you go to enough weddings and events to be confident your children like dancing to late at their current ages, and for there to be a precedent for children being invited to all the weddings, then you must own wedding suitable clothes already (I accept the kids may not as have grown but they don't need to be expensively dressed if they are not in the wedding party). I'm not saying don't spend money on these things, but mumsnetters always seem to make out they are essentially decreed by the bride and groom.

However, having said all that I agree it would have been nice if kids situation was made clearer earlier, but if you haven't actually received an invitation yet and the save the date didn't name them, then the bride and groom haven't done anything wrong. Also if it's the groom you are related to and his communication / organisation skills are anything like the men in my family, the bride probably thinks you did already know!

Why? The OP will still get to have a nice time with her family.

Nothing wrong with that. Most couples only include one person the bride and groom are close to anyway. If the person close to the B&G doesn't know anyone else there well then they may not want to attend, which is absolutely fair enough and I'm sure most brides and grooms would understand. However, if they have family or mutual friends there then they can enjoy catching up. A lot of partners may be less fussed about going anyway if they won't really know people.

The same as a post the other day where someone wants to bring kids to a girls' night.

💀💀💀

Please tell me she got overruled!

The B&G might use this as a helpful exercise to find out who actually cares about them rather than themselves. Good way to weed out those relatives who just see it as a ‘family party’ rather than a celebration of the couple.

Also what’s going to happen post 5pm that’s so inappropriate for children?! (We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and that’s the point at which my 6 and 3 year olds started to live their best lives 😂)

Every chance that that's what the bride and groom are trying to avoid.

Wow 😅 ‘therefore can only assume they really don’t care that we are there or not’ - absolutely spot on, they REALLY do not care if you attend. Your attitude is so awful I wouldn’t be surprised if both your relatives did this intentionally

Main character syndrome 💯